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Black Sherbert
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Black Sherbert |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Those who hate alliteration better not read further! This is from the English alliteration challenge, and it shows! Prettily perspiring pores in farm kitchen early sun, provocatively right angled hips and shoulders, she palm cups cheeks, and elbows the bleached pine table. Peroxide pony loosely hung, my sister paws over the mild pornography of the local peoples' paper. North Wales is no news, and written Welsh no sense to her nubile girls and well made men need no translation. Gwyneth and Gareth in pink pixels bare, burn blushes as bright as any Gaynor or Gavin. She finger flicks pages as she has men, impetuous, greedy for news, anything not old not seen, not done, mind print dirtier with every turn, like the grey whorls of her life. Linked first to a lithe lathe worker from Leith, she loved him down to her upper class core, then clamped and spun to shave the last shreds of him. Tooled him to fine swarf without even the coolant of compassion. Hitched next to a bulky trucker, a ton of guy, but tough as tender thyme shoots when her black ice glazed his tread and worked his gear to impotence. She climbed a little to pull the chimney sweep, but soon, like the soot startled puss pinned to his pole, he shot gladly from a shaft deeper, dirtier and darker than four neglected storeys. Last week, in white, she wedded Bodedern’s banker. I watched her, dimpling in the weak summer sun, satisfied. I turned to pity him, but saw something matching her, and my sister’s overdraft in his eyes like armour. |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
bonjour philip  ...nice to see you back, ok now if I have gotten a handle on this poem, the sister hunts down any male she can get her hands on, uses him for all he's worth (in bed and out)then throws him away. ...the last stanza implies that she has finally met her match even though she doesn't know it yet...am I WAAAY off I really enjoyed reading this, I like the twist in the end. thanks for the read Philip  debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Spot on debbie nice to see you too and thanks Philip |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi philip! i love alliteration, and so i dug this poem. especially the part aboutthe lithe lathe worker from leith.  only thingto beaware of is that sometimes your words are so constantly percussive some of the meaning gets shuffled sideways in favor of just pronouncing the sounds. but otherwise, very nice luv Elyse |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Good grief.... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I should have followed the message at the top. Philip, this one hurt, really hurt. Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Philip: Apparently this poem proved particularly painful to poor ol' Brad. That was a heck of a way to flush him out, Philip! Where've you been, Brad?I read the poem aloud and I liked much of it. The alliteration does become a bit too heavy in parts (the first line, for example ... the "P's" nearly sent spit flying and "tough as tender thyme shoots" was a little too much for me). Even though some of the alliteration seemed a little forced, the development of the theme certainly did not. The clever description of her conquests and the irony of the final stanza helped to make the poem a satisfying read for me. My only suggestion would be to tone down some of the alliteration. Otherwise, a strong poem. Jim P.S. Nice critique, Kamla. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Philip, Nice to see you on the other end of the ol' carving knife I like alliteration, big fan of it actually and I like most of your use of it in this poem. "Prettily perspiring pores in farm kitchen early sun," Maybe consider smoothing out the alliteration in this sentence...ie, Pretty prespiring pores in farm's kitchen early sun".."Prettily prespiring" was a mouthfull for me and I stumble each time I read it. Also in my example I added an apost. 's' for farm. Maybe consider having one there or after "kitchen" or instead maybe an "a" after in otherwise it might read too Tarzan'ian "provocatively right angled hips and shoulders, she palm cups cheeks, and elbows the bleached pine table." Really liked this section of the opening stanza. Also liked the way you went from heavy alliteration to nil then followed up with more in the next few lines. "Peroxide pony loosely hung, my sister paws over the mild pornography of the local peoples' paper." When I first read this section I immediately thought of the Britsh Sun where they have a topless female then I thought it might apply to more than that, the blatent use of sexuality for selling papers not only in the form of advertising but also little articles tucked all the way through with mild sexual themes. Thought the alliteration flowed nicely in this section. "North Wales is no news, and written Welsh no sense to her nubile girls and well made men need no translation." Loved the first line, thought it very strong on all counts and the second line flowed smoothly out of it though I'm having a little trouble with the meaning of the second line. I'm thinking that you're trying to say that it makes no difference if you can read or speak Welsh because in the scheme of their life, girls and men on the hunt, have little need for such info.? Close? Seemed like a forshadow. "Gwyneth and Gareth in pink pixels bare, burn blushes as bright as any Gaynor or Gavin." Sorry Philip but I only speak english I couldn't figure out what was meant by this. I'm guessing that men and women out on the town trying to "pick up" are dressed to attract?"She finger flicks pages as she has men, impetuous, greedy for news, anything not old not seen, not done, mind print dirtier with every turn, like the grey whorls of her life." Really liked this stanza except for the use of "grey", been used so many times before that I don't think it holds much weight anymore. "Linked first to a lithe lathe worker from Leith, she loved him down to her upper class core," Fantastic lines. "then clamped and spun to shave the last shreds of him. Tooled him to fine swarf without even the coolant of compassion." Pretty good as well but didn't think "coolant" worked for me though fits nicely with the alliteration. "Hitched next to a bulky trucker, a ton of guy, but tough as tender thyme shoots when her black ice glazed his tread and worked his gear to impotence." Another good stanza, kinda funny with the gear-impotence analogy. "She climbed a little to pull the chimney sweep, but soon, like the soot startled puss pinned to his pole, he shot gladly from a shaft deeper, dirtier and darker than four neglected storeys." This stanza combined with the last one really adds a some humour. Loved the last analogy. Also the "soot startled puss pinned to his pole" flowed nicely. "Last week, in white, she wedded Bodedern’s banker. I watched her, dimpling in the weak summer sun, satisfied." This I thought was your strongest stanza. The whole thing had an excellent flow to it and your use of words and alliteration.."summer sun, satisfied", "week...white...wedded", was well done and subtle. "I turned to pity him, but saw something matching her, and my sister’s overdraft in his eyes like armour." Liked the "overdraft", kept with the style of referencing to the occupation of the men and storyline. Nice use of irony for the ending. All in all I like the poem and agree with Jim that the first alliterations could use a little toning down. Thanks for the read Philip, take care, Trevor |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Pretty pissy proper pristine performance projecting poetry p[h]ilip. I'll try to talk today abit about alliteration. On second thought, maybe I'd better not, considering Brad's reaction and all. On third thought, I don't think I am much of a fan either. But, in any event, it sure is good to hear your British accent in here again.Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 09-12-2000).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Jim - what more needs to be said? LOLLOL |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Debbie Your succinct analysis of the poem was absolutely accurate ... thanks again. Elyse Thanks for the kind comment. You are completely right of course - there is simply far too much...lol... like "percussive" btw. Kamla I'll come back to you in a moment....lol Brad And you as well! Jim Thanks for noticing that there was a more serious side to this! It started out as something totally over the top in response to christoper's english forum "challenge" and then afer the first stanza the fun went out of the trite alliteration and i tried to inject some better lines - its clearly debatable as to whether they are worth wading for ...lol I agree of course with what you say about the first stanza and especially the first line. Trevor Nice to see you on the other end of the ol' carving knife >>> nice to be here ..(i think!) I like alliteration, big fan of it actually and I like most of your use of it in this poem. "Prettily perspiring pores in farm kitchen early sun," Maybe consider smoothing out the alliteration in this sentence...ie, Pretty prespiring pores in farm's kitchen early sun".."Prettily prespiring" was a mouthfull for me and I stumble each time I read it. Also in my example I added an apost. 's' for farm. Maybe consider having one there or after "kitchen" or instead maybe an "a" after in otherwise it might read too Tarzan'ian >>> you are being too kind...lol "smoothing out" should read "carving out" .. but i liked the suggestion for the "s" "provocatively right angled hips and shoulders, she palm cups cheeks, and elbows the bleached pine table." Really liked this section of the opening stanza. Also liked the way you went from heavy alliteration to nil then followed up with more in the next few lines. >>> umm .. the alliteration nil was a reaction to the ridiculous opening i think ..lol "Peroxide pony loosely hung, my sister paws over the mild pornography of the local peoples' paper." When I first read this section I immediately thought of the Britsh Sun where they have a topless female >>> hey ..the fame of our thinking man's press invades even your neck of the woods eh? You are absolutely right of course (and one of the main inaccuracies of this poem is that "local" papers would be extremely unlikely to carry such smut!) then I thought it might apply to more than that, the blatant use of sexuality for selling papers not only in the form of advertising but also little articles tucked all the way through with mild sexual themes. Thought the alliteration flowed nicely in this section. >>> it did refer to "little articles", and pics and lingerie adverts and dating adverts, and "car" adverts etc etc ..get the "right" paper and you can't turn a page without "IT"! "North Wales is no news, and written Welsh no sense to her nubile girls and well made men need no translation." Loved the first line, thought it very strong on all counts and the second line flowed smoothly out of it though I'm having a little trouble with the meaning of the second line. I'm thinking that you're trying to say that it makes no difference if you can read or speak Welsh because in the scheme of their life, girls and men on the hunt, have little need for such info.? Close? Seemed like a forshadow. >>> yup trevor - in a restricted sense, "she can't read the damn paper but she likes looking at the pics"...lol in a wider sense, as you imply, "sexual exploitation has few barriers" certainly not language or geography. "Gwyneth and Gareth in pink pixelsbare, burn blushes as bright as any Gaynor or Gavin." Sorry Philip but I only speak english I couldn't figure out what was meant by this. I'm guessing that men and women out on the town trying to "pick up" are dressed to attract? >>> you speak English!!? (you serious? ...lol ) .. Actually this sort of follows on from the first lines - Gwyneth and Gareth are of course welsh names - simply trying to reemphasise that people are the same "without clothes" - erotic pictures (pink = naked ... photos = pixels) cause the same arousal (burning blushes) whatever nationality. "She finger flicks pages as she has men, impetuous, greedy for news, anything not old not seen, not done, mind print dirtier with every turn, like the grey whorls of her life." Really liked this stanza except for the use of "grey", been used so many times before that I don't think it holds much weight anymore. >>> thanks for that trevor - you are of course quite right - "grey" must go "Linked first to a lithe lathe worker from Leith, she loved him down to her upper class core," Fantastic lines. "then clamped and spun to shave the last shreds of him. Tooled him to fine swarf without even the coolant of compassion." Pretty good as well but didn't think "coolant" worked for me though fits nicely with the alliteration. >>> yeah - i was doubtful about coolant as well. i guess it ended up staying in only because of the vague allusion to semen (coolant is milky) - which of course you wouldn't "get" if you weren't familiar with metal working machinery...lol..... i think that can come out as well "Hitched next to a bulky trucker, a ton of guy, but tough as tender thyme shoots when her black ice glazed his tread and worked his gear to impotence." Another good stanza, kinda funny with the gear-impotence analogy. >>> umm ...it was meant to be funny, but not too funny ... do you think its too obvious and silly? i nearly removed it because of its possible banality "She climbed a little to pull the chimney sweep, but soon, like the soot startled puss pinned to his pole, he shot gladly from a shaft deeper, dirtier and darker than four neglected storeys." This stanza combined with the last one really adds a some humour. Loved the last analogy. Also the "soot startled puss pinned to his pole" flowed nicely. >>> i guess from that that you didn't mind the humour? "Last week, in white, she wedded Bodedern's banker. I watched her, dimpling in the weak summer sun, satisfied." This I thought was your strongest stanza. The whole thing had an excellent flow to it and your use of words and alliteration.."summer sun, satisfied", "week...white...wedded", was well done and subtle. "I turned to pity him, but saw something matching her, and my sister's overdraft in his eyes like armour." Liked the "overdraft", kept with the style of referencing to the occupation of the men and storyline. Nice use of irony for the ending. All in all I like the poem and agree with Jim that the first alliterations could use a little toning down. >>> thanks for giving it a chance despite the overdone alliteration - i agree with all the suggestions you make trevor, and I'm very grateful for the in depth commentary Pete hey ...so where is the lecture on alliteration? seriously interested...! Kamla I happen to know already that Brad hates alliteration - he seems to be allergic even to minute doses - but i really don't know why you don't like this, and your reply doesn't make it clear. Is it JUST the overdone alliteration or the whole theme or what? Are there any redeeming factors or was it simply that you couldn't get past the horrid bits to find them? Anyway it was you and your partner in crime who started all this so why are you running away ...eh? Brad ok - i don't apologise - you were warned, and moreover i made sure it wasn't an alliterative poem about roses souls dreams or beaches so what the heck are you complainin' about?? ... thanks to all philip |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
Philip....you love her so much, it's obvious.....*smirk* great poem, the aliteration was quirky and fun. ~Heather |
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