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Sweet Departure
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Sweet Departure |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
SWEET DEPARTURE Written by Janie Mathis She sits atop the grassy bank Her ringlets, mussed, fall in her eyes Wistfully, fingers graze the blades Then pluck the hair from Soil’s hide She looks intent though not a word Escapes the pout of petal lips I raise my hand to feign bonjour But she does not respond to it I question her reaction’s truth An accident would even fare I lift my arm, again dismayed For still she sits, her palms are paired The time can wait for sad farewells Preserved until another day For now, she'll spread her wings to fly And soar, my lamb, with reach not lame I flap my limb to try again And yield success, oh happy sighs! Departure, sweet, lacking sorrow When waves, at last, her first bye-bye < !signature--> [This message has been edited by Janie (edited 09-07-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Janie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi janie when i first started reading, i got a bit confused, going from a little girl to butterfly then back to little girl but the last line cinched it for me  the word "BON JOUR" i presume you are going for the french word for hello & goodbye..if so it's 'bonjour'...no separation i enjoyed reading this debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Janie, This is a delightful read. I just have a couple of minor suggestions. Debbie already mentioned bonjour, which I don't think you should capitalize either. Being a French speaker, I assume she is right  Also in that same line which reads:"Then raise my hand to feign Bon Jour" It seems more grammatically correct to substitute I for then, thus: "I raise my hand to feign bonjour" Then further down there is this line: "To soar, my lamb; her span not lame" I think I know your intent but I really have to just guess at the meaning of "her span not lame" What is that for and might there be a better way to express it? You have a line with a missing syllable, or nearly so: "She plucks green hair from Soil’s hide" Although I can force it to flow acceptably, I think you could easily fix that if you agree Finally the next to last line, "Learned: this parting knows no sorrow" really makes me stumble. With a lot of effort I can again make it flow but IMHO a smoother wording would be desirable. Except for the two lines mentioned, I think it flows very well and I like the near rhymes, makes it feel almost like blank verse with just a little something added, a nice touch. To me that seems like a hard thing to pull off successfully but you have done so quite well. As you can probably tell, I enjoyed it and I don't see much to change. Those things I would change are pretty small too Thanks, Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 09-07-2000).] |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Mystique Charm and Pete, Thank you much for your valuable input. MC-I didn't think much of the bonjour being incorrect since it didn't trigger my spell checker. Thanks Pete-I'll examine the application of those suggestions you've given me. Very helpful! Thanks again, Janie Oh, Pete re: "her span not lame" this expounds upon the previous line "her wings to fly." I imagined this part as a metaphor in which my daughter's first wave bye-bye puts her one step closer to leaving the nest; she in this sense is like a baby bird and her "span not lame" refers to her spreading her wings to fly upon all the new experiences life has to offer. A bird can't fly with a broken wing, but since she doesn't have a broken wing, not only can she take on new experiences but she can also use her wing/arm to wave bye-bye. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm not rewriting this but I'd look to know your opinion if we omit some lines: She sits atop the grassy bank Her ringlets, mussed, fall in her eyes Wistfully, fingers graze the blades Then pluck the hair from soil’s hide She looks intent though not a word. I raise my hand to feign bonjour But she does not respond to it. I lift my arm, again dismayed For still she sits, her palms are paired. I flap my limb to try again And yield success, oh happy sighs, When [she] waves her first bye-bye. Just thought I'd see what happened, Brad |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Brad, We may need a neutral party to lend some thoughts on whether a shortened version would be better. For me, the shortened version detracts from some of what I felt as I wrote the poem. A parent is so thrilled with their child's first steps, first words and first wave that even an accidental slip could sometimes pass for the real thing. Though my daughter learning to wave "bye-bye" isn't sad, I couldn't help but think of a future day when good bye will mean she's going away to college or getting married and moving to another state. The emotion felt in these two thoughts is left out of your shortened version. However, I'm open-minded. Let's see what someone else may have to say. Janie |
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