»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Storm
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Storm |
|
|
Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Here is my latest poem, I was thinking about droping the last two stanzas, tell me what you think about it. Storms are raging deep inside With destructive force, they destroy Cant be running, no where to hide Tossed like a kids favorite toy Like a bird whose wings have been plucked I try to keep aloft in the air of existence But right to the ground I get sucked Victim of life’s circumstantial insistence Forced to travel the muddy ground I crawl my way on Tethered but forward bound I crawl my way on I struggle towards my goal Tempest contained within The thunder pains role My love lies Dort Hin I creep through the fields of time Each step that brings me closer A wisecrack or cynic rhyme Agitation inside getting wilder Hand over fist I climb Up the cliffs of forever Covered in dirt and grime I will give up never She beckons in the distance Lends me strength for the fight Gives me the resistance To which I hold on tight I awake within her folds The storm just a nightmare Light all the future holds Life’s joys without care |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Keith W. Mullin - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
It's me! I enjoyed this poem much better(and it's not to please you). Again such topics have been done(just as the topics of my poetry has been done), but this is not my point because it was done in a more original manner and provoked images of a physical as well as a mental struggle.(from how I saw it anyway!).Where as the other poem was too predictable & mundane.(sorry to say!) Just watch the punctuation such as 3rd line first stanza(can't). More enjoyable poem, thanks for the read, good night. |
||
|
Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Hi! Here are my suggestions on this one. In the title you say "Storm" but clearly refer to "Storms" in the plural in the beginning, and then "Storm" toward the end. In stanza 2 destructive and destroy are pretty much the same meaning. "kid's favorite toy" seems completely out of place in a storm sequence. "circumstantial insistence" is overdone I believe, and seems to be a forced rhyme. What are the "goals" you mention? It leaves the Reader wondering. "creeping" and "struggling" are contradictory terms in this one. Then you go from creeping, struggling to climbing and earlier you were attempting to fly like a bird. This seems confusing to the Reader. you "awake within her folds" This sounds comforting and yet we've just come from a nightmare of a raging storm. Whose folds? The storms? How did it go from life threatening to enfolding you? Is the storm outward or inward, you give the impression it is both in this. How can this destructive force give strength? That is also a bit confusing. First you say the storm is raging and then it is a tempest contained. This is also a contradiction. Not trying to be hard on you, but you know critique forums are a bit different, mine are sorely imperfect so don't feel bad!!! Please!!! Kathleen |
||
|
Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
First off, thank you guys for reading, secondly (and something I forgot to mention in the original post) in the forth stanza the ending two words are "Dort Hin" now this probably confused most people who dont speak german. It means; out there, or away. Kathleen, storms, storm, one can either be refered to as plural or singular, but I will consider making them all the same. Thanks for catching my destructiv/destroy mess up, Ill have to go back and see what I can do about that one. and about the kids favorite toy. Have you ever seen a kid play with his absolute favorite toy!!!!! Most kids that I have seen are constantly throwing it up and down or doing whatever it is that their toy does in a pretty violent manner. Your right, "circumstantial insistance" is probably a little too much, and it is a forced rhyme, but I couldnt come up with anyting else, if you have any suggestions, please tell me. The "goal" is explained in the last line of that stanza, it probably makes more sence now that I explained the german. As for creeping, I was trying to convey a slow passage, not a sneaky one. Once again open to suggestions for improvement References to "she" and "her" are refering to someone, not the storm. (refer to line four of stanza four for clarification of who) I can see how the whole inward and outward storm thing can be confusing. The storm is supposed to be compleatly inward, and the outward references are the struggle throught the emotional turmoil within. Ill have to think on how that can be improved. Thanks again for reading, and giving me something to think about. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
