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Tim
Senior Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 1794

0 posted 2000-09-01 10:22 PM

Reveal thyself, thou damsal of romance
                Thine pulchitrude doth fuel my vassal's quest
                Why doth thee hide, from prick of Eros' lance?
                Whilst play, Apollo's lute at his behest,
                From forth thy lips, thee touch with welkin charms
                But in the night, alone in slumber sleep
                Doth not thee yearn, the touch of lover's arms
                In warm embrace whilst in thy chamber keep?
                What pain hast pierced the veil of thy desire?
                Caused thee to hide, within stone castle's wall?
                Thee speak of love, all court doth feel thy fire,
                But thee deny, love's touch when it doth call,
                Thy welkin charms, are song without love's dance,
                Reveal thyself, thou damsal of romance.

Janie
Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 158

1 posted 2000-09-02 12:54 PM

Love it! Great cadence and it reads like an antique.

Janie

Damsal
New Member

since 2000-05-07

Posts 7

2 posted 2000-09-03 08:39 AM

Pantoum of Romance

Beveiled, thou Phantom of Romance ~
Ensconced behind a cryptic door.
Might thresholds cross by happenstance,
Entrancing hearts forever more?

Unshackle now that cryptic door
Thence leave behind life's remnant scar.
Unfettered lives forever more,
Enchanting muse sung from afar.

No longer wield life's garish scar -
Embrace free spirit - ne'er eschew
Those songs of romance once afar -
Enravish reverie anew.

Life's bygone languish now eschew.
Embrace embroiling senses of
Awakened reverie anew.
Entreat now hearts imbued in love.

Arousing senses bested of
Once covetous feigned sanctity
Entreat hearts e'er imbued in love
And cherish regaled ecstasy

Entrust in realms of sanctity
Stars crossed are not mere happenstance
Enclave love's arcane ecstasy
Unshrouded, Phantom of Romance.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2000-09-05 10:37 AM

Tim,

An occasional poem, particularly a sonnet, written in Elizabethian English can be interesting. Yours is pretty good and the rhyme and meter are quite good. Before writing in what amounts to a foreign language, you should first study the language enough to use it properly.

Thou: subjective form of you
Thee: objective form oy you
Thy: your
Thine: yours, etc.

You have used each of the above sometimes correctly and sometimes incorrectly. Also, you must be careful with the use of doth and doest and several others.

I think correcting these errors would strengthen your poem considerably.

JMHO
Pete

Novacaine For The Soul
Member

since 2000-05-26

Posts 122
New Orleans

4 posted 2000-09-05 10:33 PM

dear tim,

fancying myself a sonnet writer, i appreciate any effort to portray love through such a beautiful and time-tested form, but i do suggest you take Not A Poet's advice and do a bit more reading (i find imitation comes easier to me than do the rules of grammar) with sonneteers such as Shakespeare & Donne... a good effort and an intriguing thought... keep up the good work... bravo to whomever responded with such eloquent verse as "damsal" as well...

sincerely,
a sad tomato

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move.

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