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Love's Reflection
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Love's Reflection |
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Silkdragon Member
since 2000-06-24
Posts 65 |
Well, here I am, posting in CA for the first time. One thing I'd like to say is that in the title, the world reflection is meant to mean thought, not reflection as in a mirror. I have to confess that I know very little about poetry, prose is what I'm best at. I thought I'd post here to get some advice. I'm especially looking forward to Trevor's brutal critique. LOL. ******* To fall in graceful silence upon untamed spills of satin. The tumultuous tumble of the waves breaking on the shore Brings the melodies of the night through the darkness In lilting cadences, to calm a breathless soul. The silver light traces your features Outlining your body in celestial beauty As you lie beside me, cradled in the arms of slumber. The sight of you makes my whole being ache, Caught in the glorious torment of shattering love. Hair pale as starlight falls across the pillows, Drifting over my fingers as my gaze plays across your face. The breeze slides gently through the open window Carrying the salt smell of the sea and the rain, But its soft caress pales before the heated memory of your touch. Your passion undoes me, searing my soul with its fiery heights. The brilliance of your spirit, so hidden from the world Draws me more surely than a moth to a flame. You twist around me in a storm of emotion And I've seen the vulnerability no one else has ever known. A smile pulls at my lips as the moonlight falls over us. Breaking with tenderness, I allow myself to touch your face, Drawing my fingertips over your cheek. The fire inside you is dangerous for me.... I won't mind getting burned. [This message has been edited by Silkdragon (edited 09-01-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Erin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
I like the content of the poem pretty well. One thing that could be improved is the flow. Try sticking to a sylable pattern for each line in a verse, such as 6,8,6,7,5 and then keep repeating the patern. Also rhyming usualy helps keep the flow going. Good luck in your future writing. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Silkdragon, (quick version of a critique) You've filled your poem with emotionally laden words (words that sound like they should be in a poem usually should be avoided). The trick is to make the poem work on its own terms. Be very careful with overdone similes like "a moth to a flame". I kind of felt the ending was telegraphed from the beginning. I wasn't surprised at all, nor particularly moved by the character -- try to give these people more personality and try to complexify the scene bit, complicate matters and create some tension. One idea that popped into my head is to use both meanings of reflection in your poem; how about someone talking to a mirror (perhaps still too common a technique) and create a kind of Narcisstic moment. Just an idea. And just an opinion, Brad |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
I thought your prose/poem was very unique and found your choice of words and format very interesting. Personally, I thought your descriptiveness added to the poem and it certainly grabbed my attention! Have you ever read anything by Dylan Thomas? His style is very descriptive, too. At first, it took me a while adjust to getting so much information with every line, but now I like that style, maybe because it's a little different from mine. I think you should use whatever words, formats and ideas you write down at the time. This is only my personal philsophy, but I try not to edit my poetry at all, if possible. Instead, I want the poem to come through as I heard it in my head because that's how I feel it was "meant" to sound. Anyway, don't know if that helps you, but those are my thoughts! =) Keep up the good work! |
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