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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
A stop light, busy intersection; our eyes meet. Briefly- He takes his time getting to the sidewalk, as though savoring the moment. Me. Caressing the controls of a mobile obscenely expensive in style; wrapped in folds of Armani, for all the world looking as if I'd won a Grammy. My attitude: presumptuous & lewd in the smug surety of money. He. Clad in the smock of servitude; perhaps a cook, a waiter; someone's father, brother, maybe husband. A twinge of guilt rises up, but I quickly squash it. I'd pull myself up bootstrap style, leveling the odds while making a pile. I forgot him as I went through the day; making a few killer deals and more than a few plays. Life was fine. I made a mental note to meet with a client that evening, it would be a little business, a little pleasure, maybe some good wine. But the boys in blue had penciled me in, pulled me over in the rough, said I fit the... "profile" made valiant attempts to get under my skin, wanted to know where I'd stolen the car. I blocked them out, refusing to argue with mere scouts; floated back in time to that crosswalk bout.. Truth is: they would never let us live free. I wear expensive suits, and reek of capitalist loot; but the profilers still won't let me be. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello YeshuJah, Just want to say before I get started that this is only an opinion of this poem and nothing more. If any of it comes off as harsh or sarcastic, etc. it is not my intention but rather I'm gunning for honesty. "A stop light, busy intersection; our eyes meet. Briefly- He takes his time getting to the sidewalk, as though savoring the moment." At first it sounded like the beginning of a romantic poem because of "eyes meet./Briefly" then followed by lines like "savouring", "carresing", "obscenely" and "lewd" in stanzas that follow. Now I realize that is not your intention so perhaps aim for some other words that fit what you are trying to say and rid the poem of the unintentional undertones it might have. "Me. Caressing the controls of a mobile obscenely expensive in style; wrapped in folds of Armani, for all the world looking as if I'd won a Grammy." I dunno, the analogy of a wealthy man looking as if he just won a Grammy didn't really work for me. Perhaps go for more of an exagerration....? "My attitude: presumptuous & lewd in the smug surety of money." Liked these two lines, especially "in the smug surety of money." "He. Clad in the smock of servitude; perhaps a cook, a waiter; someone's father, brother, maybe husband." Too plain for my taste. Expand a bit. Who cares if he's someone's relative, what relevancy does that have to do with the story? Aren't the rich also someone's father, brother or husband? "A twinge of guilt rises up, but I quickly squash it. I'd pull myself up bootstrap style, leveling the odds while making a pile." Alright stanza but still quite plain. Comes off more like a boast then a particular point. Consider changing "I'd pull" to "I pulled". "I forgot him as I went through the day; making a few killer deals and more than a few plays." Again, pretty plain stuff and thought the stanza was redundant. We already know the central character is wealthy and did so by his own hard work. "Life was fine. I made a mental note to meet with a client that evening, it would be a little business, a little pleasure, maybe some good wine." This stanza also seemed completely unnecessary, what is the point of telling us the character had something to eat with a client? "But the boys in blue had penciled me in, pulled me over in the rough, said I fit the... "profile" made valiant attempts to get under my skin, wanted to know where I'd stolen the car." I thought you could have done a lot more with describing the scene in this stanza. Also the "..."'s and the qoutation on profile seemed unnecessary, the reader already gets the feeling of sarcasm when we read profile. "I blocked them out, refusing to argue with mere scouts; floated back in time to that crosswalk bout" Liked the "mere scouts" part. "Truth is: they would never let us live free." Came off as too preachy. Use the story to get across your point rather then preaching it too us. I say this because you are only giving the reader a small taste of why you feel your freedom is being infringed upon yet you tell us you will NEVER live free. Either expand on examples or be more subtle in getting your point across. "I wear expensive suits, and reek of capitalist loot; but the profilers still won't let me be" I'm not completely sold on the word "profilers", sounded a little off but I did like the message of the last stanza....kinda like, okay, I've joined your little game and I'm playing by the rules just like I'm supposed to be so why the hell are you still harrassing me, at least that's how I'm interpretting it. All in all I thought you had a lot of lines that didn't contribute to the poem but some that were good. Personally I think the poem needs some work to more clearly convey the idea. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Trevor. Thanks for the time you took to critique. I agree with you on most points here. The poem is a rough draft of an idea. When I re-write it, I will consider some of your critiques. Thanks. |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Hey there, I would not consider myself a critic per se but someone who reads a draft and lends some advice..yes  so with that said.... Trevor for the most part attacked a lot of the same points that I will make...or maybe not depends on how u think of it.... the first stanza is cool..but my main prob. was that i thought this was a romance poem...then the second stanza strays from that feeling and leaves me feeling..."huh?".... then in the second stanza... wrapped in folds of Armani, for all the world looking as if I'd won a Grammy. i thought that you could have done a better job..it really seems juvenile then you go to describe this person( living this lifstyle)..i thought it was cool...but my idea of love is now fading fast I hit the 5th stanza and now I know for sure it isn't about love..so I said hmm perhaps it will be about some big time person having some sort of sorrow in the near future for their lifestyle (this is what I keep in mind)... making a few killer deals and more than a few plays. i thought you could have done a better job with this as well a little pleasure, maybe some good wine. perhaps switching these lines would make for a chronological sequence of events? Then I hit the last three stanzas and my imagination is like whoa...profilers? So I guess this isn't about someone regretting their lifestyle...now its about profilers and how this person is being hated by others...so can u see how these mixed messages confuses the reader..i went through 3 different mind frames with this poem in regards to its content..well to me it did anyway.... Oh I forgot to mention but "I'd pull myself up bootstrap style" excellent line...I like that line a lot!!! So I hope I was a bit insightful and most likely Trevor has pointed out some better points but this poem is cool and has potential... much respect "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Yeshujah, Just an after thought, read your poem again and had a suggestion for the ending. Please keep in mind this is only a suggestion and is only there to maybe inspire new thoughts on your poem. "I wear expensive suits, and reek of capitalist loot; but the profilers still won't let me be." My idea is, instead of calling them "profilers" reference it back to the title and the line in the 8th stanza. Here's the version your words inspired me to think of: "I wear expensive suits, and reek of capitalist loot; still I always seem to fit their profile." ...or something like that. Dunno just a suggestion. Thanks again for the read, Take care, Trevor |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Trevor & Jn, thanks a bunch. It is useful to look at what one writes through the eyes of another. Corrections and clarification are in order. |
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