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In Time
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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In Time |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada 
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My world has become a place of intricate thoughts, I have lost the ability to think and reason, lingering in my mind unanswered questions, empty promises, no hope, unrealized dreams. My thoughts have become a place of mass confusion, argumentative within themselves, chaotic incomplete, filled with doubts, uncertainity, an unyielding force creating such complexity. My heart has become an abyss, a void of nothingness, only fragmented pieces remained, each one reminding me of the pain and torment of love taken but never returned, always alone. My tears have fallen with each piece of my heart, no man is worth all these tears or time, the man who wants my heart and my love, will give of his freely, never see me cry. My soul is the one constant I could trust and rely on, my convictions and beliefs help me stand strong, while my heart, thoughts and world slowly heal, With time, the tears and the pain will be gone. My love my soul searches for you as yours searches for me, together we will stand as one, all doubts erased, we will belong to each other, forever and always, we will share our hearts, our love, our world. Our world will be a place of love, unity, and clarity, answered questions, we will create new dreams, together we will face whatever tomorrow brings, no secrets, no lies, we will have nothing to fear. debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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| © Copyright 2000 Debbie McLellan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
hi there...look by no means am i a 'critic' per se...i would like to think of myself as one who just reads drafts and just adds my two cents....umm OK so far its cool the poem if u posted it in open poetry forum i would have replied and told u its good  ...but as I'm analyzing it i see some things that may be a little confusing to the reader..First 'qualm'.... As I was reading this I was saying to myself oh OK free verse...b/c the first 8 lines didn't rhyme at all...I get to lines 9 and 10 and they rhyme!!! then to get me more confused you had internal rhyming in line 11!!! OK so i guess my first qualm would be rhyme scheme..since there is irregular rhyme scheme throughout the work...i am still inclined to think maybe this is free verse but the rhyming tricks me OK next 'qualm' ...the first stanza is great...and then i read the second one and i said gee..kinda sounds the same..then i read again and in turn it seems that the first stanza should not start with MY WORLD..but MY MIND (b/c you have described what might go on in the mind and not of the wold)..but if u did that..then that means ur being repetitive b/c MY MIND ( stanza 1) and MY THOUGHTS (stanza 2) can be thought as one in the same thing..therefore it may seem as if ur 'beating the dead horse'..so I would say change the words of stanza 1 to reflect more of your world..and not so much of the mind, b/c the thoughts already do that...well I feel anyway. And the final 'qualm'.... Up until the u hit the 6th stanza u had been describing characteristics of yourself..u know ur mind and soul and heart....thus the narrator of this poem is speaking in the first person..but then I got to the 6th stanza and now the poem has become a dialogue as the narrator is now speaking to her love.... Now I have like no idea if this is 'bad'..... i mean i don't know but it is something i noticed..i know that changes like this happen in novels and what not..but of poetry I'm not sure if it is cool and okay... to change it well simply not do that...try describing MY LOVE by not talking to him but about him..as for OUR WORLD..perhaps if u changes some words around it would seem as if ur describing OUR WORLD still...like the "we will" 's maybe if u got rid of those and make it seem less dialogue like. Like I said the poem is good much respect for your poem but do not take my words to heart for my advice may be a tad bit off..i think u should wait till u got a second reply < !signature-->"my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt [This message has been edited by JnR4eva (edited 08-26-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi eva I agree with everything you said it does sound way off when I reread it, I hope the updated version sounds a bit better.thanks for you input, every bit helps debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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