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Crown Of Thorns
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Crown Of Thorns |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Crown Of Thorns I saw the crown of thorns about His head, The rusted spikes that bound His hands and feet Against the cross, the wounds from which He bled While dying on that hill in torrid heat. I heard Him moan and gasp for one more breath And beg for drink to quench His burning thirst; I cursed the thought of His untimely death, Despised them all who carried out the worst. But still He asked forgiveness for their deed Because, He said, they cannot entertain The sense of wrong. And then His soul was freed From mortal body, tortured, wracked with pain. This was for me, reprieve for all my sin That I not die, instead, be born again. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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| © Copyright 2000 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
Wonderful writing. I enjoyed, for the most part, how well this piece flowed... the exception being: "Because, He said, they cannot entertain The sense of wrong. And then His soul was freed" This didn't quite feel, rhythmicly speaking, like the rest of this piece. That's all. Overall it's fantastic!! -jaimie Website: www.ladysixstring.com |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: I'm curious ... it is hard for me to tell who is actually "saying" the words in the poem. It seems as though this could be the testimony of an eye-witness (my first guess world be Christ's disciple John) but I suppose the eye-witness account could be figurative (the narrator reflecting on what he has heard or read). Your poem plainly states something I happen to believe whole-heartedly and, if there is a weakness (it certainly isn't a weakness of form) it would be that the poem recounts the death of Christ in a very familiar way. Perhaps you should explore the conflicting emotions for the witness of Christ's selfless deed. Who really deserves this humiliating death? Certainly not the Christ ... perhaps the witness? All of the witnesses? Or perhaps nobody? Just some thoughts. Your poem reads much like a creed (not suggesting that creeds are not good ... I am a Lutheran after all), but I don't think my use of language would be creed-like if I was witnessing the event myself. Do you understand what I mean? Also, I think that "bound" is much too weak a word to describe how his spike-punctured wrists and feet were fastened to the cross. I do think ladysix zeroed onto something about your enjambment in Line 11. Almost all of your other lines are end-stopped on the final syllable of the line ... if the enjambment was more consistent, I think the reader would not fall into the rhythm of starting at the left and ending at the right. Just another thought. Theological poems are a challenge, Pete. I think you've gotten all the facts right (as if I would expect any less from you  ) but, again, I think that a novel presentation would benefit the poem greatly.Just an opinion. Jim |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Pete, As normal, the form is impeccible. A few suggestions. The image of Christ begging for water is confusing - there is no reference to this in the gospel and the idea of Christ begging for water from his Roman persectors is to my mind an impossible one. (Unless of course you meant it is God he is begging to quench his thirst - let this cup pass from me, if so this is a confusing metaphor) Similiarly, to a lesser degree, with him 'moaning.' I also agree with Jim. Perhaps you could attempt a seperate poem where the narrator is a contemporary witness, and perhaps you could discuss the crucifixtion of Christ without actually dwelling on the actual moment of his crucifixion - so much has been written about it. Maybe relaying it several hours afterwards some distance away. Just an idea. -Tim |
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