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fonics17
Junior Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 12


0 posted 2000-08-24 12:21 PM



Hi, me again.  Since noone at all kinda responded to my last post..at all, I was hoping i could put it with this new poem.  So, heres another go, please respond someone! I'm not a great poet and I need help!

Resignation Declined

I'm at that old worn down coffee house again
Staring at the groggy reflection inside my black cup
So hopeless; mysterious
It carelessly burns my tounge, and I sadly sigh
As that acid jazz sinks into my soul.

So here we are again, you and I
Black cup filled with blacker coffee
Resting on this dry worn out chess table
Black and white squares stained with crimson caffine
White King a1, black queens b1 and a2
Resignation declined.

----------
Heres the other poem, written by my good friend Meredith and I.  We switched lines (i did likes 1,3 she did 2,4..then next stanza i did 2,4, etc)  We need help on the rhymes...they aren't quite smooth yet.

Stained Blood

The sun gazed through these leaves about
Casting shadows upon the ground
And splashed on my face; then withdrew
Into a space devoid of sound

The earth swirls at my feet below
As I lift my head from beneath this tree
And raised it to the heaves high above
My hands clenched, hands which cannot see

These bursting red bright apples that I hold
Capturing a look from my lusty eye
Dark red passions of sin about
Lowering my head, I begin to cry

I squeeze the fruit till its juices bleed
Its life slips through my fingers onto the sand
And dribbles down my forarm with sweet stickiness
Now stained blood remains upon my hand.


© Copyright 2000 fonics17 - All Rights Reserved
niky tamayo
Junior Member
since 2000-08-22
Posts 17

1 posted 2000-08-24 01:27 AM


i liked the first one... let's start with that. i think you could compress your ideas into fewer words... for example "old worn down" as simply "old" or "weathered" (acch, ferget that, sorry i said it.) "sadly sigh" probably might be just "sigh", for the next line sort of explains it out anyway...


you should probably take "worn out" away from the chess table, as you've used that already, vary the poem a little... the reference to chess is cool, i see where you're getting at... white king cornered, but in chess, he'd be dead by the time they got into that position.


i think the point you're trying to put across is that he's cornered between two women and can't back out of the situation?  but then the 'i' character is in the coffeehouse with one other friend.  maybe they are discussing the problem or he is asking for advice... if this is not the case, maybe you could weave the second black queen into the coffeehouse scene or leave the second person out altogether... it would make the piece more coherent if he were playing against an unknown... drop the "here we are again..." or something... just an idea.

interesting piece.

the second poem (you really shoulda made it another post...)... i don't know what to say about it, but it could use some work... did you guys just work alternating lines straight, or did you edit it together afterwards? the one thing that sticks is the word "about"... didn't really like it in either line.  the best part, i think, is the last, although i doubt you could get apples to bleed!

well done, nonetheless... except for a few typo errors, well done.

ladysixstring
Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374

2 posted 2000-08-24 11:50 AM


I'm at work so I'll have to limit my reading to just the first one...

1) Title:  Unique title, got my attention!

2) Fist Stanza:  Very good, you carried me right there to the coffee house and I enjoyed every moment.  Wonderful stanza!

3) Second Stanza:  "Black cup" "blacker coffee" "stained with crimson caffeine" I enjoyed where you were headed but I felt bombarded with java here, after mentioning the cup and coffee already in the previous stanza - this shoved me right back into reality.  

4) Overall:  I really enjoyed the "moment" you created here.  Like a memory that visits unexpectedly.

5)Ooops, almost missed it, typo on caffeine.

Great Job!!!

-jaimie

Website: www.ladysixstring.com

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2000-08-26 08:42 PM


I've already discussed the second poem (sometimes, it just takes some time, you know) but I like this one much better.

I'm at that old worn down coffee house again
Staring at the groggy reflection inside my black cup

--I like this 'set up'

So hopeless; mysterious

--drop this - show it, don't tell it.

It carelessly burns my tounge, and I sadly sigh
As that acid jazz sinks into my soul.

--well done but I think it could be expanded slightly.


So here we are again, you and I
Black cup filled with blacker coffee
Resting on this dry worn out chess table
Black and white squares stained with crimson caffine
White King a1, black queens b1 and a2
Resignation declined.

--I think you need a build up here; it kind of jarred just jumping into the game so quickly. For an interesting example of another chess poem, look up Poertree's (Philip) poem. I can't remember the title but it's posted in CA and if I'm not mistaken it is also a sestina.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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