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JR
Junior Member

since 2000-08-19

Posts 22
morris il

0 posted 2000-08-23 01:12 PM

I need some help refining this peom hopefully you can help thanx.
A Moment

First i see your perfect face,
then my heart begins to race,
now i know i found my place,
in your arms for a moment.

I wish that this would never end,
this time i spent with my best friend,
i must go our hearts will mend,
if we part for a moment.

you're a theif you stole my heart,
I think of you when we're apart,
my life is change you made a mark,
my heart is yours for a moment.

I guess theres nothing i can do,
I'm hopelessly in love with you,
please say that you love me too,
Love me for a moment.

Seoulman
Junior Member

since 2000-05-24

Posts 41

1 posted 2000-08-23 11:25 PM

Hi JR, just had a look at your work. It didn't take long because it was not so thought provoking, and full of lines done time and again. You may try to read the thousands of other poems along this line to realize what I mean. Love poems are the hardest to do because they have all been done before!

I wouldn't refine it, I'd forget it. But if you want to continue with it then try to stir up more imagery in your words. How many times have I heard "a thief who stole my heart". It was original 2500 years ago when it was first written. Also watch the spelling & grammer. Good luck on future works.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2000-08-24 02:22 AM

Well, Seoulman may have been a little rough here - please don't be offended by his comment, JR. It is one man's voice just as easily ignored as listened to - but I wonder what your goal is with this piece.

Personally, I wouldn't necessarily give up on this quite yet. Your last line is actually a little different in theme if not in style and think you should expand on that idea of "timeful" as opposed to "timeless" love.

Do you really want to keep this specific format?

My suggestion would be to drop the current rhyme scheme (which I think controlled much of what you are doing here - let the rhyme work for you, not the other way around) and expand on this idea of momentary love. Why not create a situation where you actually received that moment? What happens afterwards? Does it satisfy? Does it hurt even more not that it's over.

I would also stress that you should put this in a more specific comment - give us the situation behind the words.

Do you see what I'm shooting for here?

Just a suggestion,
Brad

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