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Critical Analysis #1
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JnR4eva
Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377
Bronx, NY

0 posted 2000-08-18 05:47 PM


Hi     When I made this poem up about 1 week ago I thought I had something good going for me.  I came back to read this poem after putting it away and for some reason I believe the poem is not so 'hot' anymore. lol  I personally do not know what to do with this poem.  ALL criticism is accepted  

Life's highway

An apparition
in his car so bright,
foot on the pedal
he is gone till night.

A pace much too fast,
yet fast is too slow.
Decelerate soon?
One will never know.

Time is his rival.
An arch-foe for years.
Errands he must run
on highways so clear.

To pick up his mom,
to drop off his dad,
take sister to school,
has driven him mad.

Repairing the car
workout at the gym,
labor eight till five
he no longer grins.

Nine hours of work
it is much too late.
This life he dislikes.
There's no time to hate.

Off he works again
from six until twelve.
To watch speeding cars.
Ironic?  Oh well.

Should one tell him though?
He seems not to know.
His brakes faltered, and
died three days ago.

< !signature-->

"my love is my motivation
my love is my inspiration
perception of this poem
is your interpretation"
-- me


[This message has been edited by JnR4eva (edited 08-19-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 JnR4eva - All Rights Reserved
Jamie Dawg
Junior Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 35

1 posted 2000-08-19 04:22 PM


i have to say i like the way this is going but i got a little lost toward the end.
however the language is lucid and on the whole enjoyable. respect.

JnR4eva
Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377
Bronx, NY
2 posted 2000-08-19 07:52 PM


Hi jamie dawg  
I have noticed that you are a new member here in Passions, so let me extend my hand in a warm welcome .  I thank you for taking time out to read and critic my work..I appreciate it much  

I'm hoping that you get to read this but you said that you got lost towards the end...please tell me which stanzas lost you and why...I tried in my best power to keep the story flowing until the end when it's revealed that this is a ghost that hasn't realized that he has died yet..and as for the foramt..I tried to use 5 syllables for every line and have 4 lines to each stanza..I dont know exactly why I wanted it this way..I think it was because I wanted to challenge myself and see if I could do something that way...but hit me back and let me know....or if anybody else has something to share please do  ..once again thanx  


"my love is my motivation
my love is my inspiration
perception of this poem
is your interpretation"
-- me



mysticharm
Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189
Canada
3 posted 2000-08-20 02:49 PM


hi eva

i was enjoying the poem, it kept me interested, I could vividly picture a person going through these mundane chores each day, & thats probably cuz I do LOL, but the last stanza does't seem to fit, or I have misinterpretated the meaning.

i can't explain technically why it doesn't work for me, I'm a dunce, what can I say lol, it just doesn't.

don't give up on it  

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown



JnR4eva
Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377
Bronx, NY
4 posted 2000-08-20 04:14 PM


thanx debbie for taking the time to read my piece  
Now that it seems more eveident(2 to 1) that the last stanza is but a throw off...it is my job to change it.....i shall do so sooner or later, but thank you once again for your critique  


"my love is my motivation
my love is my inspiration
perception of this poem
is your interpretation"
-- me



Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2000-08-21 10:07 AM


eva,

I think you failed to get the point across, to me anyway. Without your explanation, I really had not idea what the poem related to, hence the problem others have expressed with the last stanza.

Also, I'm not sure the format really sets the mood you want. Looked like you could add one more line to each stanza, "Burma Shave." Or maybe that is exactly the mood you were, or should have been, trying to establish    Hmmm, now I wonder?

Pete

JnR4eva
Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377
Bronx, NY
6 posted 2000-08-22 09:00 PM


hey there Not A Poet..thank you for taking the time for reading this...like I have mentioned before I really had no clear cut reason as to why I had constructed this poem in the fashion that I did..but I will most likely...not soon anyway lol...rewrite it and make it more coherent..thanx once again for your time  

"my love is my motivation
my love is my inspiration
perception of this poem
is your interpretation"
-- me



Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
7 posted 2000-08-26 07:47 PM


I read this a while back and though it was okay - it read well enough. Unfortunately, it doesn't stand up to a second reading very well. That he's dead is a fairly common 'trick' ending and, of course, it then doesn't come off all that 'tricky' anymore - still, it worked the first time in that I wasn't expecting it. The other problem I see is a move to the general and the abstract (personally: one should always move in the opposite direction). Give more nitty gritty detail before you tell us that "Time is the arch-foe". Put enough stuff in here and you won't have to tell us that, you'll being showing us.

Just an opinion,
Brad

ladysixstring
Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374

8 posted 2000-08-27 10:10 AM


I enjoyed the way you described the man's daily job routine. His feelings towards performing these activities came across well.  

What lost it in the last stanza for me was the last sentence. "His brakes faltered, and
died three days ago"

I often use the slang... "My washing machine whistled and died a day ago." Which is, unfortunately, not just an example but the truth.

When I read the last sentence I first envisioned that "the breaks" died three days ago and the man had been sitting in his car for 3 days.  

After reading it a second time, I came to the conclusion it must have been
the man who died and not just the breaks.  Which did surprise me even though you gave it away at the begining with... "An apparition in his car so bright".  I thought this was just a clever way of pointing out that he no longer had a passion for his job.

Overall I enjoyed it very much.

-jaimie

Website: www.ladysixstring.com

JnR4eva
Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377
Bronx, NY
9 posted 2000-08-27 12:52 PM


To brad....
Hi there I was surprised that this poem was resurfaced..i would like to say thank you VERY much for taking the time to read this piece of...u know ...I read it several times over and I just said to myself I will simply make a whole new poem...yet I will keep the pointers you have given to me in mind when I write my next one  ...thank once again....

to ladysixstring...
i don't know what to say but thank you ...this is the first time that someone has realized (or rather told me) the intent i was trying to get at...even though i will admit that perhaps my method of trying to do just that was a bit nebulous-like...i kept saying to myself why is everybody saying they are getting really lost..i felt really bad b/c i was man i did a terrible job....i thought that the apparition would have made the reader say oh no wonder...like you did..and i will admit that the last stanza is a bit slang-ish in a way b/c i was forcing the rhyme...so i had meant that's his breaks faltered, and he died three days ago...yet he continues to do his chores for he does not realize that he has died b/c he is so rushed and oblivious to everything else that he didnt have the time to realize that he died... i'll do it completely over....i will definietly rewrite EVERYTHING and make it more of a coherent poem..thanx for your time   appreciate it much  


"my love is my motivation
my love is my inspiration
perception of this poem
is your interpretation"
-- rlt



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