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Night Critters
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Night Critters |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
for L.S.P. We are scurrying on our too-few feet to do daytime things behind the sun's back. The quiet is swollen with other people's dreams or is anchored, perhaps, by a pulsing psychic web of ultra-violet wisps their dreams coil up and out in so invisible, so palpable It feels of exhaulted secrecy to wake here in the somnulent dark unlonely, unfettered and under a single glittered disc; to twirl, twirl, arms wide smile starward and crumple on grass in a dizzy heap; to toss hay to the horses and feed the mosquitos just as well, or sit and peer with coffee cup at fences skimming the brim of night until they smudge into the horizon. To feel that in these hidden hours earth and sky in velvet cloaks have, with fingers interlaced drawn you back, drawn you close kissed you lushly on each cheek, shushed your mind's whirring murmurings have, in the tender brush of lips reminded you how to simply Be. [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 08-17-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elyse Wilcock - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
Hi Elyse, just read your poem and have to say I like the imagery you convey. Too many lines to say which one stands out the best, so keep up the good work. I'll leave the analysis part to the likes of the brad man. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi seoulman  thanx for the reply, and the compliments (always a fan of those  )luv Elyse |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
Same here... I had a terrible time finding something I didn't like. In fact, I failed. Good Job!! -jaimie www.ladysixstring.com |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
thanx sweetie! your compliments and response are much appreciated.luv Elyse |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Simply the best you have done in my opinion. You took it to the next level with this poem. I give you 2 thumbs up. A++ The New York Times gives Night Critters an astounding 10 for its visual and emotional appeal. James |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
bonjour elyse ...after reading this I feel like a true amateur lol...it's a beauty I wish I had your talent elyse, you manage to make an ordinary word extraordinary with each word that follows. thumbs up girl  can I be bold and ask who is L.S.P is? as always, your friend debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
wow! you people are too nice to me. james-wow, im glad you dug it that much  you have to write all the reviews of all my nonexistent books of poetry, ok? debbie - nice to see you again girl! i reckon we've both been gone a while. you are such a swetie. and yes, she was an old reacher of mine, who i just recently went to visit. i love her bunches luv Elyse |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
very good. especially like this stanza: To feel that in these hidden hours earth and sky in velvet cloaks have, with fingers interlaced drawn you back, drawn you close kissed you lushly on each cheek, shushed your mind's whirring murmurings |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Elyse, I guess I'm late in joining the crowd to say I thoroughly enjoyed this one. The first stanza just sucked me in and the second ensured that I would read all the way through. Too good a free verse for me to try to critique. Pete |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
This, Elyse, has some pretty amazing moments .. Poems written around themes of "finding onself in nature or elemental truths" etc etc are maybe rather common and often mixed up with stuff about love and earnest statements extolling the virtues of back to nature and god etc versus man's terrible iniquities and the way he mucks around with the planet etc etc .... in other words the whole theme can get a bit cliche ...no? This poem is more than saved by its cute approach to the subject and by some very very nice imagery (i happen to have a bias towards this kind of thing mind you)... having said that i think it could be better ... tightened up in places .. obvious errors eliminated ... a bit of revising could, in my view, produce one of the best poems I've seen for a long while hereabouts.... We are scurrying on our too-few feet to do daytime things behind the sun's back. >>> ok, given the Title, this is a clever opening. Throws the reader off balance somewhat and grabs the interest. It took me a couple of reads (I'm slow) .. to move from thinking that you were dealing with bugs (or multi legged fauna) at the beginning of the poem to humans later on .... to humans right the way through... hence the "too-few"?? with its implication that the "We" is somehow out of place in the night? Once grasped though the impression is reinforced by the phrase "daytime things etc" the translocated nature of the "We" is now quite clear .. the speaker is indeed a human out of place in the night and not in fact a multi legged bug or rodent or whatever...lol. Until i picked up on where you were headed i wasn't too sure about "too-few" ..it just sounded a bit cumbersome and perhaps the two similar sounds of "too few" and "to do" so close together was risky as well ..... on subsequent reading though i think I'm a convert .. i don't know that I'd change anything after all. But this is an excellent opening stanza - "to do daytime things behind the sun's back" - made it for me. This of course works on at least two levels - the image of night as "behind the sun" was great, but i also love the implication of clandestine activities (perhaps even illicit activities...ummm!?) in the phrase "behind the sun's back"... and of course this resonates with later references in the poem to secrecy ..very very nice. While i know why you used "scurrying", and while of course it works from the point of view of the "critter" image .. it also ought to work in relation to the main later action in piece ..no? i suppose twirling etc could pass for a scurrying type activity though ... tis a small point tho in what is undoubtedly a masterful start... The quiet is swollen with other people's dreams >>> "dreams" is always a dangerous word ...lol.... your opening image in this stanza though is just excellent, excellent .. lost for words here ..lol or is anchored, perhaps, by a pulsing psychic web of ultra-violet wisps their dreams coil up and out in so invisible, so palpable >>> here you started to lose me a little. Firstly it's a long sentence that seems to wander and kind of lose its way. Even after several readings i wasn't following either the imagery or the meaning very well ...it may be just me. I'm assuming that it is "The quiet" that is being discussed here, so: "The quiet is swollen with other people's dreams" and "The quiet is anchored, perhaps by a pulsing psychic web of ultra violet wisps" personally i find the second (alternative?) image presented for "quiet" to be unnecessary, confusing and not very convincing ... presenting sound, or lack of it, as a form of light or web doesn't work for me, and moreover the introduction of psychic and web brought forth rather annoying sci-fi type images (Darth Vader et al) which kind of spoilt the atmosphere created by the first stunning image.... their dreams coil up and out in so invisible, so palpable ok so here your referring again to the dreams of other people. first of all I'm not sure of the sense of "in so invisible" is that a typo? secondly i think you said it all before ... that first image was so good ... sure "quiet is swollen with others dreams" says precisely that those dreams are invisible but palpable without you having to spell it all out in long hand!! Nope ..everything after that first clear image is, for me, simply extraneous padding!! It feels of exhaulted secrecy to wake here in the somnulent dark couple of typos on "exalted" and "somnolent" i think. Also the first line feels wrong grammatically (or at the very least it sounds kind of archaic) unlonely, unfettered and under a single glittered disc; neither i think do these two lines improve the opening of this stanza much, and in a poem like this with such outstanding images elsewhere "glittered disc" is perilously close to cliche y'know ... do you really HAVE to get the moon involved in this?..lol I know you need to get the secrecy element in, and i also like the idea of "drowsy darkness", i can even see where you're heading with the "alone, BUT not alone or lonely" idea....... but i just think that you can do better ...lol.... don't ask me how though! to twirl, twirl, arms wide smile starward and crumple on grass in a dizzy heap; to toss hay to the horses and feed the mosquitos just as well, or sit and peer with coffee cup at fences skimming the brim of night until they smudge into the horizon. >>> ok ok ... back to genius again ...WOW ... i loved this section ..simply loved it .. a touch of humour in the feed mosquitos line to follow and enhance the skittish tone that's being set, the whole being topped off by the wonderful wonderful "at fences skimming the brim of night until they smudge into the horizon" ..... THAT i think gets my best imagery award for CA for 2000 so far ... it just worked so so well ....maybe its because I've been there i dunno... well done elyse ..... reluctant to dampen the euphoria ..lol..but if there was a weak line it was maybe the coffee cup line .... it kind of sounded like the coffee cup was sitting there beside you peering as well...lol... i know i know the coffee cup lends approachability correlative detail etc etc ..but it just seemed a little superfluous to me ... To feel that in these hidden hours earth and sky in velvet cloaks >>> i think i can let "hidden hours" go by maybe without commenting that I've heard it before, but "earth and sky in velvet cloaks" is too much .... "velvet" has been used too many times before in relation to night don't you think? have, with fingers interlaced drawn you back, drawn you close kissed you lushly on each cheek, shushed your mind's whirring murmurings have, in the tender brush of lips reminded you how to simply Be. >>> now then ... none of this i found objectionable.. in fact it had a nice soft comforting ambience about it, and the "fingers interlaced" was a nice touch which kind of means you have to keep the earth and sky line more or less intact ..i realise that. The interesting bit about this is that I'm unsure what you had in mind. The poem starts with a "We", and nowhere in the poem is it absolutely certain that there is not more than one person present... the "We" could of course be a non specific we ie the whole of humankind, but this doesn't seem to sit well with the later very personal and specific actions that take place. Now at the end of the poem you start to refer to a "you". I feel uncomfortable with this. For some reason I've read the rest of the poem as if its being written in the first person and i can't help reading these last lines in the same way so that the "you" becomes the speaker tell the reader how she has been affected by the experience ... how the night has drawn her back to her roots back to what is really important, calmed the fears of the daylight hours and human doings, and reminded her of what is really important (shades of spirituality here) .. i need to think about this more but I'm not sure that second person as first person works that well .. UNLESS .. you were trying to aim for something else ..ie a referral back to the "we " at the opening, and in fact you are deliberately introducing some ambiguity here so that again the poem can work on two level's: first, the one I've mentioned of the speaker simple communing with nature god etc and realising her true being and second, at a more personal level, with a companion or lover in the night. Certainly the final stanzas are written intimately enough to suggest that there may be elements of both? finally i don't much like the capitalisation of "Be" ... it's sort of artificially grand and poetic... an understated "be" would work just as well i think. elyse this is far and away the best I've seen from you ..there are some great great passages here ... very well done, thank you philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 08-21-2000).] |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
What can i say that hasn't been said? I know the feeling well which you describe here, now I can actually formulate those feelings into words thanks to you. An excellent poem. You ought to try to get this published. Thanks. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Very nice Elyse, everyones already used my best lines. This had a real nostalgic feel to it and conjured up memories of summers I'd spent in the country. Love to read your stuff. forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi guys! is it just me, or does it make everyone happy to see all those response messages in your email? janie - thanx hon you sweetie! and thanx forreadin and respondin pete - always appreciate compliments but i think if you tried you could critique anything. i wont push tho. yeshujah - wow, thats maybe the best compliment ever. i really appreciate that  forrest! theres my biggest fan im glad to see you, and as always, thanx for the sweetness. here's a brownie i made for ya philip - you are amazing. i love you. thank you SO much for that fabulous critique. its really going to be helpful to me to answer some speciifics...i too was a little unsatisfied with the web thing. what i initially pictuered was that the dreams create this web which holds the quiet in place. it didnt come out right. ill fix it. or cut it. ii havent decided yet, but im glad you mentioned it also, thanx for calling me on those cliches. you are of course right, and i will edit the thing with the "you" at the end - originally i wrote it as I, but then, i thought it clashed with the we in the beginning. do you think it would work better as I, or were you suggesting something else? god! you people will not let me play with my capitols at all (pout pout) oh well. guess ill let it go thank you again to everyone, and as always, luv Elyse |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
elyse thanks for the kind constructive response. with the "i" - "we" - "you" thing, it all depends I suppose on what you are trying to achieve. from your response I'm rather assuming that you set out to write a poem with universal application ie the speaker as it were presenting a viewpoint of humanity and its relationship to "eternity", "god" or whatever.... if that is the case then the "We" at the beginning must be read as "We the human race"... is that what you had in mind? if it is, then I'm not sure how well the later - very personal - experiences (coffee cups etc) mesh in with this ... hence my idea that you were maybe shooting for this to work on two levels .. a one to one experience in a real night with a real lover or friend maybe and then also on a "cosmic" level as a commentary on mans' relationship to nature or something like that..? before i dig myself in any deeper with this .. please could you explain what you had in mind? who or what is the "We"? would be a good starting point?......lol then maybe we can discuss some more... (and it's "capitals" not "capitols" ..... jenni already told you that once!!! ...lol..... )oh and i recently read a beautiful poem which for some reason yours reminded me of ... i think because of the imagery maybe, here you go: Sue Hubbard Ghost Station Rosslyn Wild garlic and rain in the woods and between invisible tracks that lead from here to there I sense them glide through their lost narratives down platforms of damp ferns. Think of a bent hair-pin lodged for years under a wooden carriage seat fallen from a stook of auburn hair, a single collar-stud trapped beneath the floor that once fastened small intimacies behind a film of beaded glass, or an old man's knotted hand, knuckles raw in the niche of his lap carrying home a gift of speckled eggs. Imagine the pallor of rain: ashen, pewter, stained watery-sheen along a backbone of glinting steel, and shadows of coal-dust, steam and sparks on iron where green tongues of larkspur grow. Turn your head and glimpse between verticals of larch and beech blotched autobiographies like smudged footprints in wet grass. Listen, where the wind throws back its dialogue of despair behind the raindrops, acknowledging lives drained away, like a plume of smoke recalled along invisible tracks by a damp bird's solitary song. National Poetry Competition 1999 3rd Prize |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
thats a cool one. about the we, i suppose that is to say, we, the night critters, the people who scurry out late after dark, sort of like a subculture of people who like to do things in the dark. kind of like a uniting of a bunch of different people, strangers mostly who do this. so then it goes to talk about this one particular critter and what she gets up to late at night. so now what do ya think? btw, ill be gone for at least 2 days, im leaving for college, and its taking 2 days to get there (!) so its not that im ignoring you or anything luv Elyse |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Elyse, Sorry I'm late in posting my 2 cents worth of critter-cal analysis (boom-boom). I like the poem, but I had a few troubles with the finale. They are as follows: 'shushed' didn't seem the best word here, for me at least it has conotations as a 'baby word' that I found distracting here. I think straight hushed would be better. 'whirring murmerings' seemed too much of a tongue twister for me here, whirring murmer would be easier. the jump to 'have' in the last stanza - well, I didn't feel that such degree of pause as a stanza jump imposes was warrented here, and I don't think the last stanza is substancial enough on its own. Finally, I'd agree de-capitalizing 'Be' - let it 'be.' If I'm to be super harsh, maybe you could come up with a better line than this. Don't get me wrong though, I liked the poem. -Tim capitalized |
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ShelleeM New Member
since 2000-08-22
Posts 3 |
elyse, thought this was an extremely well-written but for a few minor details. you pulled off the imagery of the night nicely. I especially liked "behind the sun's back", and "fences skimming the bridge of night until they smudge into the horizon." brilliant! what i didn't like was the "pulsing psychic web, single glittered disc, velvet cloaks". The last is much over-used, and the first two seem to be reaching out a too far-- but those can be fixed. one question--how does reminding someone to "simply Be" have anything at all to do with the dark or the night? this is a very good poem that with a few adjustments can be great. i wish u the best. shellee |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ha .. that means i have two days to reply then .. and where the heck are you going that takes two days to get there antarctic, or, even more desolate - australia? (kiddin’ Tim and Maree !! ) ... Shellee ..i think she had in mind the idea that the quiet and solitude of the night has the capacity to bring people near to themselves and the creator .... to simply “live” .... in contrast to the to the banal distractions of the daytime hours.P |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hi Elyse, I really enjoyed your poem the night scene you painted was to me, extremely vivid. I could almost hear the mosquito's bzzzing away.We are scurrying on our too-few feet to do daytime things behind the sun's back. I liked "too-few feet" if only we had more heheh so that we could get our busy schedules completed. and I loved " behind the sun's back" WOW! and this ... to twirl, twirl, arms wide smile starward and crumple on grass in a dizzy heap; to toss hay to the horses and feed the mosquitos just as well, or sit and peer with coffee cup at fences skimming the brim of night until they smudge into the horizon. Now this stanza just did it for me I didn't blunder at all, to me it read smoothly, I breezed through it I loved the way you added "twirl" twice and the coffee cup peering with you at the fences "skimming the brim of night" WOW and "until they smudge into the horizon" WOW again! "earth and sky in velvet cloaks"..... I am gong to have to agree with the "brilliant mind" of Mr Philip on this one, used too many times, I am guilty of that and I am trying not to use it again not that I have used it exactley as you have but velvet sky indeed I have. "drawn you back, drawn you close" I really like this! I just do. "shushed your mind's whirring murmurings".... I have to agree with Tim here, it did seem to much of tongue twister....and that his suggestion "hushed" & "Whirring murmur" would read better. Elyse, I am no critic, this is only one of a few, but I would like to take part in this forum more often and I would like to say that I really enjoyed your poem and the imagery was wonderful Thanks Maree [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 08-23-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
ok .. lol.. I don't know whether i have a problem with this or not to be honest. I suppose my concern initially was that you seem to be moving from a universal comment to a very restrictive personal comment and then back again to something that was ambivalent (though clearly the "simply Be" was intended to be universal again), and all this in the same short poem. Your explanation of "We" means that you're using it in the abstract or non specific sense, effectively third person. It might for instance have been written: "People are scurrying on their too-few feet to do daytime things behind the sun's back." that expresses your intent more clearly ..no? I'm not suggesting for one moment it SHOULD be written like that, but that i think is what you were getting at? The next stanza is basically just descriptive, but in the third stanza there is a definite shift to specificity. This has to be read as a first person stanza. It feels of exalted secrecy: I wake here in the somnolent dark unlonely, unfettered and under a single glittered disc; to twirl, twirl, arms wide smile starward and crumple on grass in a dizzy heap; to toss hay to the horses and feed the mosquitos just as well, or sit and peer with coffee cup at fences skimming the brim of night until they smudge into the horizon. again, I'm certainly not suggesting the insertion of "I" at the start of the second line, but for the purposes of this exercise that brings out your intent, no? The next stanza is the main confusion .. i always think second person used as third person non-specificity, which seems to be what you had in mind, sounds kind of amateurish somehow. Also the use of "you" with such intimate images as "drawn you close" and "kissed you lushly on each cheek" and "the tender brush of lips" is simply crying out for a second person interpretation which makes the whole effect seem awkward to me given the third person context of the opening stanza and the third person close to the poem. so in summary i think my discomfort in this arises from the potential switch from third person, to first person to second person and back to third, leading to a constant unease as to who or what is being addressed. i still think it would have been nice, given the intimate images and first person section, to try and make the whole poem work on two levels throughout i.e. a comment on both a one to one relationship and also on the wider relationship of humanity to nature (or whatever you had in mind with the word "Be" ..lol) ... I'll give it some more thought. p |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Elyse: I'm a little late to this conversation but I wanted to interject a few ideas. First, I would suggest that you read the poem aloud several times (if you haven't done so already). I, personally, found the first stanza unremarkable and found the second stanza somewhat difficult to read. It could be one of those "just me" moments, however. But, again for me, there is plenty of redemption to go around in the third stanza. I, like Philip, thought "coffee cup" was a weak spot but perhaps for different reasons than he did. I found the two words together to be a little jarring and, as a consequence, slowed a fantastic momentum you built with the previous lines I liked the fourth stanza almost as much (I think you found your pace at this point) and the final stanza was a fitting ending. I enjoyed the read and the discussion. This one is a week old already, Elyse ... time for the next one, don't you think? Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-24-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi everyone! it took me way WAY too long to figure out how to hook up my computer right, i was jonseing for this forum kinda bad when i had this extra time....but anyway, im back now tim - thanx for the comments, you never have to worry bout bein late, especially when you have somethin good to say i give in, ill do lower case (pout pout) apparently i need class on how to utelize my caps thanx shellee! i dont think ive met you before. thanx for commenting and im fixing the weak parts philip - i went from NC to NY, Syracuse U. to be specific, and it takes 13 hrs, so we took 2 days. ya know. hi maree! thanx for reading this and being so sweet ive made some changes to the parts you and others have talked about, so, thanx for the help philip - thankyou SO much for taking so much time with me and this poem. i love you. you're my new best friend, aight? jim - ok, well let this go. i thought i would post the changes i made, though, so... stanza 1 = same the quiet is swollen with other people's dreams thich with an unnamed vitamin imbibed by any pore bared to drink it it tingles of vitality, secrecy, empowerment to wake here in the somnolent dark unlonely, unfettered to twirl, twirl....same stuff.... or sit and peer, hair unpinned and streaming ...same... to feel that in these hidden hours earth and sky ungilded both have, with fingers interlaced drawn me back, drawn me close kissed me lushly on each cheek shushed my mind's whir of murmurings ...same love y'all Elyse |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
E Rushing off to bed right now, thank YOU for persisting with this; actually i have a few more comments - i'm difficult to shut up once i start ...lol back tomorrow i hope P PS er...... dare i ask how many "best friends" you have? .. lol ....... hey, and good luck with college/uni or whatever you call it over there; jenni told me once but i forgot ~blush~ ... what are you studying? |
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