»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
All in Missing You
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
All in Missing You |
|
|
AniKay83 Member
since 2000-06-28
Posts 388Missing Since 1999 
|
Lost in cool sleep, Falling through a cotton sky. And wrapped in the shadows of slumber, Your face appears. My cheek burning beneath your hand. Brushing my lips against your neck, Just a dream, but vaguely farmiliar... Maybe we met here before? Underneath the wings of worlds broken off from reality, Among the stardust tears. Where longing takes shape, Here in my cotton dream. Where that aching need never seemed so real, Here in that wanted lover's arms. The ache is worse... As I wish to kiss you forever, Having never kissed you at all. And I cannot kiss you now, For that kiss may mark the end of your loving me. I always wake when your lips meet mine. I crave just being near to you. So an eternity, an hour... As long as it's with you. But those blue eyes tell me you'll always be near. Just to watch you lick your lips. Causes me to part mine, In eager anticipation of being near you as lips allow. And in taking my hand I feel so warm and protected. Those hands on my back say you'll never leave me. Your breath on my neck says forever starts right now. And your kiss... Is sadly one of goodbye. Now morning is slowly coaxing me back through the cotton sky. And weary eyes register the beams of light pouring in, Spoiling my kiss. I raise a finger to my lips and touch what you touched. There in my cotton dream... But there be no place for sadness here. Maybe a little heartache. It can't be helped in missing you. Night will fall, And slices of moon will count the days that we are together. When cotton sheets, make cotton dreams. And hands fold into each other. As we meet once more, My first time with you a thousand times over. Each better than the last. As we meet, Our lips touch again... I'm sorry for telling u love was unnecessary... making you lose ur way I'm sure I'll be as sad as u feel ~Touch and Go |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Christine Straka - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Lady Lost Member
since 2000-07-13
Posts 470 |
Nothing like a healthy cry on a Tuesday morning...this poem really moved me. A recent broken heart mixed with this beautiful poem may be the cause for the tears! This really is a wonderful piece...beth You can never have too much fiction; reality can be such a bore |
||
|
AniKay83 Member
since 2000-06-28
Posts 388Missing Since 1999 |
I'll take that as a really great compliment! Thanks! ^_^ I hope you feel better, Beth. Broken hearts hurt the most and they're the one thing the doctor can't fix. Unless he's really cute, like my doctor! .*.*.*.KrissiE.*.*.*. I'm sorry for telling u love was unnecessary... making you lose ur way I'm sure I'll be as sad as u feel ~Touch and Go |
||
|
Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Great imagery! I especially liked this line, "And slices of moon will count the days that we are together" No suggestions for improvement. Well done! |
||
|
AniKay83 Member
since 2000-06-28
Posts 388Missing Since 1999 |
hee..hee... I could get used to this! Even though I posted this looking for critique and suggestions, I think I like it better when everyone says it's just fine how it is! .*.*.*.KrissiE.*.*.*. I'm sorry for telling u love was unnecessary... making you lose ur way I'm sure I'll be as sad as u feel ~Touch and Go |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
KrissiE, Not so fast, some of us are just plain ogres when it comes to this type of poetry. First, drop all the references to a dream - this immediately distanced me (a poem can be about a dream but don't tell the reader that). I think you spend too much time on the kisses and the moment and not enough time on the situation. We don't know who this person is. We don't know why you would even like him. You have some interesting moments in the middle (I pictured the two of you camping) but I'd rather see a camping episode than this type of wistful longing. Why? Because, ultimately I'd rather see a little more complexity here, a little more ambiguity - aren't there moments - almost simutaneous even - where you both love and dislike this person at the same time. Isn't there something that you thought, a minor thought immediately thrown from your head, that shows more to the situation than meets the eye. I say this all the time but you need to complixify the picture here to make it more interesting to the reader. On the other hand, if this were a breakup poem or a rant on a particular person, I would argue the opposite - that there may be moments of forgiveness, of an unconscious love. This is the stuff of good poetry. In my opinion, of course.  Brad |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
