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fonics17
Junior Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 12


0 posted 2000-08-13 01:08 AM


Unfateful Love
How sad love seems
When the songbirds sing to their
Silent forests
Where  the trees grow indifferently
unscathed by the wildfires
longing to embrace the dry wood

Sometimes I see you so easily
And then Iim not there
Or your not there
Or some foggy place in-between
Like right after a morning rain
When the smell of lilacs fills the air
And the mist slowly covers the land

Then you appear again
Behind that cold shadow
I can see your hand
Now your arm...
Now your shoulder
Now your eyes
Looking through me

And I fall down again
And catch myself against a tree
Who pays no mind to me
Nor cares really what I'm doing there
So long as I don't disturb its branches
Or hinder its roots from their water

Come sit next to me
And watch the clouds float by
Unwavering, Undounting, Uncaring
Free like a bird, or an afternoon thunderstorm
What a nice life it must be
But I shall never reach that land
And I can't let you go
Although you have forgotten me.


© Copyright 2000 fonics17 - All Rights Reserved
Janie
Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158

1 posted 2000-08-13 04:33 AM


How sad and forsaken this poem makes me feel.

I mostly have spelling corrections. The first 2 times I read it, I thought to myself, "I need to look up that word, 'Lim' and see what it means..." (ha, ha at me)

1."Or your not there"
S/be "you're"


2."And then Iim not there"
S/be "I'm"

3."Sometimes I see you so easily
And then Iim not there
Or your not there
Or some foggy place in-between"

Had trouble with this part, the second line. I would do the lines like this: Use "when" instead of "and then". Like this:

Sometimes I see you so easily,
When I'm not there,
Or you're not there
Or some foggy place in-between.

That's about all I have to humbly offer.




Janie
Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158

2 posted 2000-08-13 04:38 AM


I want to clarify.

On 3."Sometimes I see you so easily
And then Iim not there
Or your not there
Or some foggy place in-between"

Had trouble with this part, the second line. I would do the lines like this: Use "when" instead of "and then". "When I'm not there"

I don't have a problem with your line one and two together if they are by themselves, but only when using line two as a lead to line three. That's when I think line two should be "when" instead of "and then"...

You know what? I just figured out what creates a problem for me in the second line of the stanza.
"Sometimes I see you so easily
And then Iim not there
Or your not there
Or some foggy place in-between"

It's the "And then". Since this is the beginning of your rebuttal "But then" would be better.


< !signature-->



[This message has been edited by Janie (edited 08-13-2000).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2000-08-14 05:22 PM


Hi Fonics,

I see this is your first post so I'd like to welcome you to CA. I've already said that free verse is not my long suit so I won't try to offer much here. But a little anyway.

You offer some good and interesting images but occasionally one seems to not quite fit, for example, the last line of the first stanza. To me, anyway, it just doesn't belong, but remember, free verse is not my forte.

You could be a little more careful of word usage, line 3, stanza 2, "Or your not there" should use you're instead. Should lim (or Iim) in l2, s2 be I'm?

In the fourth stanza,

   "And catch myself against a tree
   Who pays no mind to me
   Nor cares really what I'm doing there"

I'm not sure nor is used correctly. I have used it in a similar context myself and been questioned for using it without neither. As for referring to the tree as who, I accept that as a personification, and a pretty good one.

Then in the final stanza, the line,

   "Unwavering, Undounting, Uncaring"

I don't see the need to capitalize everything. If you really want to do that, I think periods would be better punctuation than commas.

Well, looks like I said more than I set out to say. Guess as I got into the poem it just became more and more interesting. Good work and, again, welcome to CA.

BTW, this is all just my opinion so treat it as such  

Thanks,
Pete

fonics17
Junior Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 12

4 posted 2000-08-14 09:37 PM


Hi pete,
Please don't worry, I'd like as much "opinion" as I can get, hehe, as it can only make me a better writer, and I'm just starting out anyway, so as much as you can give I can take!  Thanks a lot, I'll do revisions shortly taking in everyones ideas.  And..to that mind boggling question everyone has been asking as to the word "lim", yes...it should be "I'm". Thanks! lol.
-Chris (fonics17)



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