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Stroke
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Stroke |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Stroke You try so hard to tell me what you need In words held captive by a crippled mind, So many words yet crying to be freed From poison shackles cruelly left behind. Frustration bounds from deep within your eyes For simple feats which cannot be performed, For thoughts to tell -- but still your mind denies Those thoughts to simple words to be transformed. Through tears of pain I watch you try to speak And do the basic things you did before, Your body, once so strong, now left so weak That only God can make you whole once more. How long, I wonder, can you keep on trying, Or is this now your place and time for dying? |
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| © Copyright 2000 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, I was a bit taken aback...this is such a switch from your last piece. I'm hoping there isn't someone in your life who is in this situation. I think the poem is very effective till the couplet, then the extra beat (there's probably a term for that, and you probably had a reason for doing so) throws it off a bit. IMHO, it may be done in pentameter in this manner, or something similar: "I wonder how long you can carry on, Or do you wish to journey far beyond?" I know it's not a true rhyme, but I think it says the same thing in a much for delicate manner, and is more befitting of the body of the piece. As for the subject matter, I could go on forever, but will restrain myself. Nice work as usual, Pete. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
Not a Poet; Your poem brought back painful memories. Been right there, for about ten years, from "light" to "completely restricted", except to hear and eat. If this is your parent or spouse, let me add that I have read from a to z and after each stroke, my mom would usually come back to a fairly normal life; except, with each stroke coming back took on a different meaning. Just one more note to you here; after the stroke that left my mom unable to communicate, after a period of time she could talk some and I asked her about "receiving information". She knew most everything we were saying to her, (we did not know for the peculiar words that she would manage to say for a reply); her frustration lied in the fact that she knew we did not "think" she was understanding us when she was, most of the time. If this is about someone close to you, give this a shot, let her know that you think she/he understands what you are saying and in time her "replies" will be comphrendable! I know, to them (sometimes, in my case) yes means no and no means yes. Just love them a lot. Hope I have said anything that may be of some help for this is "stress" that you have no control over, for you love them so much. Love, Marcy |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Not A Poet , 'Tis maybe not so curious that we write about that which affects us . If this is the case I can certainly relate .As I was posting a piece about my own father's recent occurence I came across this .To you and yours my understanding and condolences . Doc |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Pete, Once again a good sonnet. The sonnet form doesn't seem at all to inpinge on the subject matter. There is really nothing that stands out to correct, maybe consider "thoughts to simple words to be transformed." The "to be" is perhaps slightly awkward. Maybe "are not" might work better or something else. This is scrapping for criticism though. -Tim |
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Andrea New Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 2Dorset, UK |
I thought this poem was perfect really. Perfect in the way in which it explained the subject. It made me think about a personal experience and how the people involved must have felt. Well done! |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
If this comes from your heart, a very difficult place to be. My heart is with you. The emotion is definitely here. However, I'd like to suggest minimizing your words while creating greater depth for a stronger impact. For instance in the first 4 lines you write: You try so hard to tell me what you need In words held captive by a crippled mind, So many words yet crying to be freed From poison shackles cruelly left behind. I think I've said the same by what I've written below but in fewer words with a better rhythm. Feeble attempts to voice your need Through words held captive in your mind And many words cry to be freed From poison shackles left behind I'm not trying to rewrite your work, just want to give you some ideas from a different perspective. You may be concerned I've left out the word "crippled" but I think there's enough evidence where the reader understands there's a disability being spoken of. I also agree with a previous contributor on this line: Those thoughts to simple words to be transformed It's a little awkward. Maybe try: "Those thoughts to simple words transformed" Keep writing! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kris, Thanks for responding. Yes, saddly this is for my father. He had a stroke 2 days before my bypass, so while recovering myself, I have had tha added burden of watching him slowly decline. On the extra beat in the couplet, I assume you refer to the extra unstressed syllable at the end. As Jim would say, this is a feminine ending. I like to use them in sonnets just to break things up a little. Usually I don't put it in the couplet though. And that's probably not the best place for it. I'll rethink that part. Thanks, as always, for your pertinent advice. Marcy, Thank you for your expression of sympathy, but if I understand correctly that you have been in this situation for 10 years, then it is you who deserves my sympathy. I must also comment you for your strength in being able to deal with such a situation for so long. Doc, Thanks for your sympathy and may I extend mine to you also. Tim, Thanks for the compliment. I have to agree with you about that one line being "slightly awkward" but I also confess that I really like it. I'll look some more but don't think I can change it. But, as always, I treasure your interest and advice. Andrea, "Prefect", hardly. There probably are some perfect poems out there but certainly none of them were written by me  But I certainly don't mind the complement  BTW, as you probably surmised, the poem was written purely from emotion.Janie, Thanks for reading and commenting. In many cases, I think your advice would be excellent. I agree that you have said essentially the same thing in fewer words, but look what you have done to the meter. This would not be acceptable in a sonnet. It has been said many times and I generally agree that a poem should have no unnecessary words. But I think that refers to words which are added just to fill the lines. Well, it appears that I am getting over my head here so will not try to elaborate further. Just want to say that the meter demands as many words as I have used. It can, of course, be argued that a better choice of substance words could be found. Thanks for the effort you have obviously put into your critique. I hope to see much more from you. Thanks all, Pete |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Pete, I wanted to tell you I was wrong about your poem. At the time I read it, I was stuck on a different meter than what you presented and I didn't see your poem for what it was. Fortunately, I lived another day and learned and now I see the meter is fitting as well as the extra words I would have had you remove before. Janie |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, I extend you my sincerest sympathies; I think I might know some of what you're going through. My dear grandmother was in much the same state after a stroke. You and your father will be in my prayers. I know it's difficult, but try to keep your spirits up, Pete. Warmly, Kris P.S. I am never going to critique another one of your poems...I have no real experience in classic poetry, and you are an expert on them(and at writing them).< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 08-15-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi pete. you are such a deft sonateer. the only line problems i had were already mentioned, (by tim and kris i believe) and i am only bringing this up because i think i know why it sounds funny. Those thoughts to simple words to be transformed i think its the "to" phrases stacked on top of each other that feels wrong. it might be that if you just changed a preposition all the awkwardness would fall away. i dont know about strokes. only parkinsons. its hard, the not communicating. but...i wonder if a poem like this would not do better in a more disjointed form. ya know? not that im saying this is bad or anything, you know that, but i should think that something choppier might go better to the theme. that would though, be a different poem. oh well. as always, pay me no attention. luv Elyse |
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
Pete, Let me stand corrected...I have since lost Mother to her stroke, about four years ago, but the duration from the first stroke (relatively mild) to the latter was nine to ten years. Sorry to hear of your health problems! You and your dad are in my prayers. Hope you have a full recovery. Marcy |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Janie, Thanks for reconsidering Kris, Thank you so much for your prayers. But that in no way excuses you from further critiques of my humble attempts at poetry. Quite to the contrary, you know I very much appreciate your efforts to improve my writing so you have to continue. BTW, please refrain in future from refering to me as "an expert". Expert, as you may already know, is of Latin derivative, ex: former or has been. And spert (alt. spurt): a drip under pressure.  Elyse, It's so good to hear from you again, been wondering where you were. That's an interesting view, the multiple "to" in that line. I'll have to study it some. the second one, being part of the infinitive, probably has to stay but possibly something else could substitute for the first. As for the format, remember the poem tells the story from my viewpoint rather than his and this is the way I see it. Interestingly, DrMoose posted one on a similar topic the next day. You should look it up. It is formatted very much like you suggest here  It would be an interesting challenge to try to write something from his viewpoint but I'm not sure I understand that viewpoint or that I am up to the task  And "pay me no attention" Hah, you know I always pay attention to what you have to say. Marcy, I still commend you for having the strength to survive 10 years in that circumstance. And thank you also for your prayers. Thanks all, Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Pete, I wonder if you're too close to the real situation to get it down on paper yet. This seems too vague, a telling rather than a showing. Further, I don't detect any tension - it's a static description. This may be honest but don't we all irrationally hope for miracles? I think it might enhance this if you included a hope, a glimpse of improvement rather than that final couplet - maybe even ending with a rhetorical question or something to create the possibility (or perhaps do that in the sestet. Just some ideas, Brad |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
bonjour pete Brad is right in a sense, when something this tragic is happening to us, the reality of it can be so overwhelming that we naturally respond with emotion and not objectivity. This is from your heart and I believe you needed to share it with others, to help you face or deal with the reality of what is happening. I may be wrong, & probably am, but I think you needed to see written what your heart is feeling. mon coeur est avec toi debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Brad and Debbie, Thanks for your honest critiques. In all honesty, I have to agree. Yes, this was written from emotion and, as such, I suppose we can never expect to do our best work that way. But, again honestly, I rather liked the three quatrains but was never very fond of the couplet. I think this is partly because of what Brad suggested, we subconsciously want to have some hope, and I left very little chance for that here. But I also recall having a difficult time finding a suitable idea for the couplet. Perhaps this just came to mind and I wrote it down in full laziness then later patched it up a little. I probably should have devoted more effort to the closing but I'm not sure I have the ability to change it at this time. Maybe later I can try again. SO I thank you guys for pointing out iwhat should have been a fairly obvious error and for prodding me in the right direction to gget it corrected. Pete |
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ggrn3 Member
since 2000-08-17
Posts 433Nahunta Georgia U.S. |
Not A Poet This is my first time visiting QA. I read a few poems here and yours has really provided me with the best imagery. I could picture this person's struggles and frustrations. Good poem. Garfield |
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