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Critical Analysis #1
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J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama

0 posted 2000-08-09 12:35 PM


The thin reality hit her harder than the thick reality of his fists ever could have.

The colossal creaks of footboards
beneath angry footsteps.

Mentally, through dread and darkness,
she traced them from the screen door's
          SLAM!
Over to the cabinet where the liquor always was...
     Where the liquor ALWAYS was.

She had tried to hide it once; more nearly hide us from it. But that was back when momma wore the cuts and bruises. Momma had lied and said she had done it. She told those holy lies for us kids;but it was her body, not soul, which bore the damnation.

Back to the kitchen table. There he and his loud friends talked and laughed...Until the fights began.

When silence had collected itself again, Sissy cried. Quietly, but I could hear.
          I was just then old enough
          to really hear.

That's when sharp reality would hit us both...
    "Sissy...Sissy come down here. Come help your
     bone-tired dad. I'm just wore slap out."

The bellowing yells swept up the plank staircase.

Filled the house,
the air,
our spirits and souls.

I heard nothing for a while...
His reassurance concerning his worth as a father.
How bad momma was because she'd run off.
I'd wish he'd run off.

Then with a shout, a curse, and that deafining slap he'd find a flaw.

Some overlooked detail, some excuse to start the beating.

And Sissy would take the beating; take it until it wasn't there anymore. Just for me and my baby brother.
        I guess momma taught her well.

I wonder if the hard reality ever hit Sissy? If she ever knew what a saint she was to us.

< !signature-->

Jason
I...I have seen the best minds of my generation...
     --Allen Ginsberg


[This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 08-09-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved
Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
1 posted 2000-08-09 08:50 PM


A realistic portrayal of a terrible disease.
Flows nicly and concrete. Nice job.

forrest

Tim Gouldthorp
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170

2 posted 2000-08-09 09:31 PM


Jason,

You discuss well a disturbing and relevant issue.  I hope its not something your writing about from experience.  Are you are fan of Ginsberg?  If so you'll notice in his long line poems the way in which his writing is so compressed.  Likewise with this poem I'd consider making it more compressed.  Its a poem not prose, so you can take out many of the joining words 'necessary' for grammer.  
A related suggestion would be to watch repetitions that don't add much (opportunity cost of using them) e.g, spirits doesn't add much to souls, amd if the sounds going through the house, we can gather its going through the air.
-Tim


Alle'cram
Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816
Texas
3 posted 2000-08-09 10:52 PM


Dear J.L.;
  What a superb job writting this tragedy. You put me right there with the children, you made me despise the dad and left me to wonder how Sissy and Mom are, and you.
  Great job penning this situation. You pulled my emotions right out. Although, I did not have to endure such abuse, you made me realize the pain.  Thank you. Great job from my (layman's) standpoint.
Marcy


correction for spelling/reason for edit

[This message has been edited by Alle'cram (edited 08-10-2000).]

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

4 posted 2000-08-10 01:10 AM


Hi J.L.,

I read this earlier, and was so struck by it that I couldn't quite find the words to use.  After this second read I think I can manage to say what I think.

It is a gripping, vivid poem, filled with imagery and a wide range of emotion. The descriptions of the sounds were well done, and added a lot.

I really thought the following line was particularly effective.
"She told those holy lies for us kids; but  
it was her body, not soul, which bore the  
damnation."

I know women who have been through this, and have done research on this subject. I know the dynamics of the situation, but get so frustrated with the fact that is is so often passed from generation to generation. This is demonstrated in your line:

"I guess momma taught her well"

Very nice job, J.L.,
Kris


the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare


Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
5 posted 2000-08-10 05:49 AM


This is an interesting format and some parts work strikingly well. I could have done without some of the more 'telling' parts of the poem but I did like "I guess mother taught her well".  I think the poem would be stronger without them.

It reminds me of Molly Peacock.

Now, let's see if I can just upset everyone today. The problem with this type of poetry is that, believe it or not, it is a particularly overdone theme - or at least I've read it several times on the internet. The shift in the end does indeed add depth to the piece (which in terms of content if not style, I might argue that it is actually stronger than Peacock's poem) but I wonder if you might consider trying some different angles, different viewpoints to give it a little more variety.

Just an opinion,
Brad

J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
6 posted 2000-08-10 07:46 AM


Forrest,
  Thank you very much for your kind words.
                    J.L.H.

Tim,
  No I do not write from personal experience, but I do have friends and family members touched both by alcoholism and abuse. I am a great fan of Ginsberg and also Kerouac in fact the colloquialisms were directly influenced by dear old Jack, and Al is always a contributor to my style. I do agree about the repitition and will work on it. The prosish nature of the poem however I find necessary to give the reader the feeling of having a conversation with the narrator. Thank you so much for you comments and advice.
           J.L.H.

Alle'cram,
  Thank you for your incouraging words. They are always appreciated.
                   J.L.H.

Kristine,
    "I know the dynamics of the situation, but get so frustrated with the fact that it is so often passed on from generation to generation." The line which prompted this response from you is probrably the most important in the whole poem. This is one characteristic of this disease which I have noticed occurs almost repetively. Abused males often abuse their own children, and abused females often remain battered women their whole lives. As sad to say as it is "momma" probrably  left this abusive situation only to enter into another in time. This is a trend which isn't often talked about, but from personal experience I have noticed that it tends to occur a large percentage of the time in the women I know to be victims of abuse. I have heard of an a psychological aspect many women in such a situation develop called "battered woman's syndrome" and I often wonder if self esteem may not be related to this change in the psyche. Okay enough of my rant on a subject I know too little about.
Thanks for your time and comments as always they are deeply appreciated.
                         J.L.H.

Brad,
  Your insight has provided me with inspiration. I am going to try to incorporate this into a series. I did however feel that I did cover different viewpoints i.e.; the brother, the father, the sister, and the mother. I gave insights into each psyche through the narrator's memories. There are times when father is alone, as well as the young narrator. Sissy will forever be alone in some way. However if these different views of the poem aren't clear enough it does need work.(no poem is ever finished anyway.   ) I haven't read the poem you mention where can I find it? Thank you for your comments Brad and as usual your advice gave me direction to the weaker aspects of the poem.
                            J.L.H.

One thing noone has commented on is the setting and I'm not quite sure if it is clear enough to be discerned. If someone could give some input on this it would be vastly appreciated.  
               J.L.H.
    

Jason
I...I have seen the best minds of my generation...
--Allen Ginsberg

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

7 posted 2000-08-10 11:24 AM


J.L.,

You can call me Kris, if you'd like. Kristine is so formal. The self-esteem issue is very important. These women often have no self-esteem, and feel that they can only make themselves feel better by "taking care" of their partners, which leads them to be attracted to men with substance abuse problems, or other issues that usually prove detrimental to the relationship. They often get into these relationships thinking they can "fix" the partner, but it often turns out that they are emotionally or physically abused due to the fact that a sense of self is absent.

Just thought I'd throw that in...
Kris


the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare


Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
8 posted 2000-08-10 11:38 AM


A woman marries a man, thinking he will change. But he doesn't.

A man marries a woman, thinking she won't change. But she does.



Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
9 posted 2000-08-10 09:17 PM


Jason:

Don't have much to add in the way of advice or critique.  I would only be reiterating much of what was already said.

You did ask about the setting and, if I understand your question correctly, I would say it is somewhere in the southern United States.  I lived in NC for some years and words and phrases such as "momma" and "wore slap out" were common-place.  In fact, after noticing this, I reverted to my artificial (albeit convincing) damn-yankee southern draw.  

Thanks for a good read.

Jim

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-10-2000).]

J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
10 posted 2000-08-10 10:36 PM


Kris,
  Thanks, I would have felt comfortable refering to you "commonly" but I didn't know Kris was the correct way. I think you are correct about the self esteem issue; the way the women in this cycle often see themselves is, "I don't deserve any better...I never have." This is such a tragedy that people feel tis way. I find it horribly disasterous that people find it acceptable not to want more out of life and positively hellish to settle for an abusive relationship.
                                  J.L.H.

Pete,
    Thanks for reading and responding.
                    J.L.H.

Jim,
    About the setting, you hit the nail on the head. I'm glad that aspect comes across, thanks for reading and contributing.
                                 J.L.H.

To everyone,
         Please don't think that I am posting and not reading your poetry. I am sharing time on the net with MY SIS and she has the computer tonight. I promise to return to my former replying self. Thanks for such a warm welcome back.
                             J.L.H.

Jason
I...I have seen the best minds of my generation...
--Allen Ginsberg

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