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Critical Analysis #1
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A Hallway Lesson in Concurrent Providence
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Hallway Lesson in Concurrent Providence |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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Another battle fought, Another battle won – I step softly in the hallway So I don’t disturb my sleeping son Held carefully in my arms. It is a father’s duty To be the model of strength, Discipline and integrity, And to provide protection for his children. Where were You when mind-blindness Struck my helpless son? Where were You during the struggle To teach him how to learn? Where were You when bureaucrats Tried to play You And sweep my son Under the giant rug Of red-tape Limbo? I was with him when autism Stole his voice. I was with him through every Tedious step to rewire His brain to learn to learn. I was with him to breach The walls of bureaucracy And to break the paralysis Of their crippling fear of failure And to show his teachers I know what is best for my son. Where were You? Where would he be If I was never there? Who would fight for him? Who would carry him to bed? I was always there. I already know Your answers And I suppose You asked These questions long ago – Long before I did, at any rate – But I won’t ask “Why me”? It is my duty and my pleasure: You gave him to me. You gave me to him. Another battle fought, Another battle won. I step softly to his room And lay my sleeping son To bed knowing Someday, maybe not tomorrow, But someday, he will awaken. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-08-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Powerful and emotional without getting drenched in pathos. Very well done! |
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Vaporous One Junior Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 35 |
I have no critique for this, but I did want to say how lovely I think this poem is. So eloquently written; what a lucky kid to have a daddy like this!  Beautiful poem here. I could really feel the emotion. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Nice write. I liked your comparison of autism to mind blindness. forrest |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Jim, You really did a great job on this one. I really found you drove the point home well without seeming to try to evoke pity. I do have one question as to who the poem is directed at, God or the Mother? It can really be read either way. None the less (and actually all the better) great poem. You really bring across something I cannot imagine dealing with and at the same time give insight as to how a father does deal with such things. Bavo to you and your poem Jim. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Jim, 2nd last line 4th stanza, consider removing 'that' or putting it on the next line( same with 3rd last line in poem). 5th stanza, 2nd line consider 'if' shifted to the next line, and changing 'was' to 'were' (I'm not sure about this one though) 2nd stanza I didn't find as effective as the others. "Tedious steps to re-wire/His brain to learn to learn" is good, as is 'Stole his voice.' My reaction to the last 2 lines was at first ambigous, but in the end I liked it. 'You' is apparently God. Maybe some examples of the actions of bureaucrats might help the reader to better understand the frustration you feel. Overall I thought it a poignant poem in which the evident frustration was effectively contained. -Tim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well Jim, As you have said yourself, it's hard to critique anything so dripping with heartfelt emotion. So I won't overstretch my knowledge As always, you express yourself eloquently and give us a fine description of your emotions. In addition, it captures the reader from start to finish. So in that sense your poem is entirely successful. For some reason though, it just seems a little prosey (I'm sure that's not a word) if you know what I mean. Probably just my own shortcoming though.Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and it is a fitting extension to the sonnets you have already written about your son. Thanks for sharing, Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Marq & Vaporous One: Thanks for your kind replies. I appreciate them. Forrest: I'm glad you liked the comparison. I regret, however, that it was not my idea. The cover story for a recent edition of Newsweek described autism as "mind-blindness". It is not the best description of the condition but it is certainly not the worst either. Thanks for the reply. J.L.: With "You" I am addressing God. Fortunately, mom is right there fighting with me. Tim: Thanks for the reply. I made a few of your suggested edits and I appreciate your careful read. I will try to be more clear about the role the bureaucrats play in my frustrations. I tried to communicate it by mentioning the "paralysis" of their "fear of failure". They don't like to take risks and, consequently, tend to stall rather than act. Again, I will think of some ways to make this more clear. Also, I agree with you about the second stanza. I'll see what I can do. Thanks again. Pete: I wish you would stop being so stinking humble.  Yes, I suppose this one does have a "prosey" sound to it. I actually owe Brad a thank you for the "format" of this poem. In a discussion in another forum he pointed out that another contributer referred to the Book of Job as being "poetical" rather than "poetry". This prompted me to do some research into Hebrew poetry and this poem was the result. Just a little explanation. Thanks for the reply, Pete.Jim P.S. Donovan is doing extremely well. One of the biggest hurdles in treating autism is teaching the child how to learn and to immitate. Donovan is learning to read now (he is five) and has recently made some significant strides in verbal immitation. The prognosis is looking good. P.P.S. Don't be afraid to tear this one up, people. If it can be improved I want to improve it. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-07-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Mr. Bouder, Again you have done a superb job of demonstrating a father's love for his child. I do have tears in my eyes right now, and they are for Donovan and all of the children who have to fight harder just to do and have what other children, and parents, take for granted. The questioning stanzas really hit home. In the past, I have done similar questioning in regard to my daughter. The feelings of abandonment were touchingly expressed within your words. I liked the first and last stanzas' images, but I do not care for the last line. You are implying that he is asleep, in a kind of half-coma. I don't care for that analogy at all. How about: "But someday, he will awaken, His mind having gained vision." That would tie in with the "mind-blindness" you mention in the third stanza, and would be a more accurate and acceptable analogy. Just my little ole opinion... Nice work, Mr. Bouder, Kris P.S. I have a paper signed by my doctor, my friends, and my neighbors excusing me from a double sestina, because the frustration caused by such an undertaking could produce loud sounds emitted from my mouth that could easily be mistaken for shouted cuss words. P.S.S. I'm so very glad to hear how much progress Donovan is making. Most 5 yr. olds don't read. That is just fantastic. I think you and Jenn should really pat yourselves on the back for all of the effort you've put in. Don't forget to pat Donovan's back, too; he's fighting as hard, if not harder than you are. < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 08-08-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Damn Jim. This is one of the best things you've ever written. Honestly brought tears to my eyes. A powerful ending for a powerful poem. I could nitpick - too much alliteration here, a strained metaphor there but I'm not going to. I've often wondered if anybody can pull off a religious poem anymore - I guess you just answered it for me. Brilliant, Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: Thanks for the reply and for the encouraging words. It is true that an autistic child must work many times harder than a typical child his/her age in order to overcome the difficulties associated with autism. My little boy is an awfully good sport, though, and he is doing extremely well. I will have to think about the last lines. Thanks for replying. Brad: I am not sure I know how to respond. Thanks for the kind words. I will think about that strained metaphor ... it shouldn't be too difficult to edit out. Thanks again for the kind response. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-10-2000).] |
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Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
As someone who knows a friend's son with this affliction your poem expresses so well the emotion and aura that surrounds this. Very well expressed. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi jim. i dont know how i didnt comment on this the first time i read it. i of course agree with everyone that the depth of emotion is obvious in this piece. the only thing i could possibly add is to maybe consider removing the "and" from the beginning of lines, and use a comma if neccesary. excellent piece. luv Elyse |
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