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Critical Analysis #1
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BigPimpinSk8tr
Junior Member
since 2000-08-05
Posts 17
Chambersburg, PA, USA

0 posted 2000-08-05 03:49 PM


The world seems that it’s closing in,
Frightening, lightening, flashbacks of places I’ve been.
I fight, wiggle, scream, to free their grasps,
“ Judgement Day!” says a voice that rasps.
I see a face before me, empty, lifeless, dead!
Suddenly and flaming, eyes burning red.
He’s come to judge and decide my fate to be,
In dreams, no, nightmares he haunts me.
His cold stone grip’s upon me I’m held by my neck,
Here to steal souls and my life to wreck.
I scream a shattered scream of a soul that’s lost,
For in my life it’s the lines that I have crossed.
It’s those lines that condemn me for eternal time,
I should have thought before I lived a life of crime.
I thought I could be strong and hold myself together,
But so did those before and they too burn forever.
When I had the chance to change I turned my head,
The cost is so much worse, worse than being dead.
I wish I would have listened to all that I was told,
I wish I would have changed before I grew so old.
But now it’s done and I’m set in my ways,
And I have yet but wait for the End of Days.



© Copyright 2000 Michael J. Lentini - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2000-08-05 08:52 PM


Sorry, but this doesn't really work for me. First, I would definitely think about the title unless you want this to be a comic poem. It generally doesn't help a piece when the reader associates it with a recent bad movie.

Further, you need to 'complexify' this poem - deal with the context, the contraditions, the images, the difficulty of these feelings in such a way that the poem itself cannot simply be wrapped up in a sentence (I know some people teach that that is what you are supposed to do in the study of literature but a good poem will always escape a once sentence explanation).

You need to clarify your point, not in an explanation, but in the poem itself, or you need to make the point even more ambiguous - suggest this through images or a story rather than too blatant statements about how you feel. Make us feel what you feel rather than telling us what you feel.

Just some suggestions,
Brad

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
2 posted 2000-08-05 09:06 PM


BP:

Welcome to CA and to Passion in Poetry.  I want to preface my comments by writing that this is only my opinion and you have every right to disagree with what I have to say.  Furthermore, I make every effort to direct my opinions toward the poem and not at the poet.  Any suggestions I make are only suggestions of ways I think a poem could be improved.  That said ...

One quick question ... is this to be set to music or rap?  

I read this once and the rhythm just wasn't there for me.  Then I tried to "rap" it (Brad ... don't laugh ... I do have SOME sense of rhythm) and by running some of the words together I was able to smooth out the rhythm (somewhat, anyway).

I suppose to most people your imagery and subject matter would be relatively new.  My background is a little different and I have seen, read and heard very many presentations of the very events you describe.  Having done so, your poem really doesn't work all that well for me.  The words and images are somewhat cliched (in a Christianese sort of way) and I think this gets in the way of what YOU are trying to say.  

My suggestion is that you forget about the way this particular subject has been presented to you in the past, forget about the images, the buzz words and snappy one-liners, and write it in your own words.  For an example, I would refer you to "My Own Prison" by Creed (a modern rock group) ... they approach the exhaustively explored subject of the Atonement successfully, in my opinion, with very new and effective language.

Just some opinions.  Again, welcome to CA.

Jim


BigPimpinSk8tr
Junior Member
since 2000-08-05
Posts 17
Chambersburg, PA, USA
3 posted 2000-08-05 09:35 PM


To be honest with you guys, it never worked for me, but it was a recurring nightmare that i had been having and i roughly wrote down what had happened...and i wasn't real happy with it so i posted it here hoping for some help, i greatly appreciate the advice and i'll see if i can do something to it and make it work a little better.  It originally wasn't suppose to be set to music, but the rhythm is a little difficult to grasp...another of the many things i need to smooth out with this one...any further suggestions would be greatly helpful.

Thanx for the suggestions...and if you'd be interested, i posted some of my more fine tuned poems at the DarkPassions#2 Forum...check those out and see if u can turn up any suggestions for those... thanx again guys




" If what i am is what i have and what i have is lost, then who am i?" - unknown
Big Pimpin Sk8tr
(a.ka. Thy Wizard)

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