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pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa

0 posted 2000-08-05 08:42 AM



The blessed relief of sleep
washed over me
drawing me down
deeply into her waiting arms
and I dreamed a dream of exotic nectar
and I consumed it
as a man lost
in the heat of the desert
and it was you
sweet, honeyed nectar
for my parched lips
my hungry soul
a sweet nectar
that flows over me
covers me
with the sticky syrup of your love
it sooths my skin
protects me
from the burning heat of despair
shelters me
from the fire of deceit
shields me
from the flames of indifference
and I am healed again
in your love

© Copyright 2000 pegasus111 - All Rights Reserved
the romantic fanatic
Junior Member
since 2000-08-05
Posts 26
Spokane, WA U.S.A.
1 posted 2000-08-05 12:13 PM


Very cool. I like the imagery invoked here!
pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa
2 posted 2000-08-05 03:38 PM


Thank you romantic fanatic...for the read and the compliment.

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost

m3jay
Junior Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 12

3 posted 2000-08-06 02:45 AM


i liked it a lot.  you have a great imagination.  i also think you like things with a sweet taste!  good job,
m3jay

pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa
4 posted 2000-08-06 06:05 AM


fantasy love is always sweet...yes?...

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2000-08-07 12:15 PM


Hi pegasus,

I thought your beginning was very good.

   The blessed relief of sleep
   washed over me
   drawing me down
   deeply into her waiting arms
   and I dreamed a dream of exotic nectar
   and I consumed it
   as a man lost
   in the heat of the desert
   and it was you

To this point I was really drawn in. But after that point, it seemed to become a little repetitive and superfluous. It may be just the repeated use of nectar though because as I study the individual lines, they really seem pretty good. Or maybe they just seem a little disjointed. Sorry I can't seem to write what I think here   but I hope you understand my meaning.

Good concept and some very good images though. Thanks for the read.

Pete
(Never express yourself more clearly than you can think -- Niels Bohr)

pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa
6 posted 2000-08-07 03:20 PM


Pete..thanks for the comment..I tend to agree with you about the second use of the word nectar("a sweet nectar"), could probably be removed entirely without sacrificing the integrity of the poem..The first repeat, however is unavoidable in my opinion.

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
7 posted 2000-08-07 05:59 PM


I think I would completely remove the line with the 3rd occurrence of nectar and I still think I would reword the second occurrence. Use some other wording instead. I think when you write of love, thirst and nectar you expose yourself to comparison with "Song To Celia", I quote a couple of lines,

   The thirst that from the soul doth rise
   Doth ask a drink divine,
   But might I of Jove’s nectar sup,
   I would not change for thine.

And this is a truly difficult poem to compete with  

Anyway, this is JMHO, but I really did enjoy your poem.

Thanks,
Pete

pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa
8 posted 2000-08-07 08:13 PM


But, Pete...you already told me you don't like thine, doth, etc...lol

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
9 posted 2000-08-08 09:56 AM


Well, if I said that (which I don't remember) then I lied  

Pete

pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa
10 posted 2000-08-08 10:10 AM


just joking Pete..btw..would you take another look at Honor and tell me what you think of the revision? I value your opinion

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

11 posted 2000-08-08 11:03 AM


I think this poem is well-written, full of imagery, and oh, so romantic. Very nicely done.

I do, however agree with Pete's view of the repeated use of nectar. I think if you replaced the second and third "nectar" with two apropos similes, it would only serve to improve a good piece of work.

Kris


the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare


pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa
12 posted 2000-08-08 01:36 PM


I have since replaced the second nectar with the word manna, eliminated the line "a sweet nectar" and changed the next line to "it flows over me. Thanks for the help everyone.

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
13 posted 2000-08-10 03:32 AM


The strength of this poem is the middle section. I'd think about dropping the beginning and the end (far too general and overdone for my taste) and expand that whole part about the slippery sticky stuff. I think there's a lot of potential with that image.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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