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Garden Treasures
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Garden Treasures |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa 
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In garden deep with scented rose, lush jasmine twines in thick display, tall iris preens in fine array, the mantis waits in silent pose, in peaceful sleep the cheshires doze, butterflies in dizzy flight do play, neath skies of blue in heat of day, it's there my love so gently goes, the object of my heart's delight, in every way without respite, her smile the source of purest light, golden tresses in waves surround, ample breast in lace trim abound, none sweeter in my garden found. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
hi pegasus ... the main thing I can say in favour of this poem is the atmosphere you succeed in creating. the languid almost sensuous quality of the piece comes through well. The other thing you've managed quite well is maintaining the iambic rhythm (with some variations), however there are some negatives as well ....!! firstly I feel that your efforts to maintain the rhythm and rhyme actually adversely effect the content of the verse itself .. its almost as if rhythm and rhyme are significantly dictating your word choice. The rhyme scheme itself was interesting but because of the repeated sounds in the first 8 lines it got, to my ear, just a little monotonous.... strangely though it occurs to me that this very monotony may have been what contributed to the drowsiness conveyed by the poem..... so maybe this was intentional on your part? Mainly though my complaint lies with the use of rather cliched phrases ... to be honest there wasn't much new about either the theme or the words. Perhaps there's nothing intrinsically wrong with that, but it is much harder to capture the reader's interest when oft seen phrases are pulled out in significant quantities, so for instance: scented rose, fine array, silent pose, skies of blue, love so gently goes, heart's delight, purest light, golden tresses, ample breast, lace trim, none sweeter......... all these need to go if you want to create original and compelling images in a reader's mind.... The other point is that there are certainly some lines that read awkwardly. Reversing noun and adjective sequences tends in my opinion to give a king of archaic feel ..which personally I'm not fond of, and in the first line "garden deep" has this effect. Also I'm not sure whether "ample breast in lace trim abound" is grammatically correct without pluralising "breast"? and I most definitely did not like "in every way without respite" ... it sounded like a "filler" line to me ....sorry  all in all though the poem was enjoyable to read perhaps it was the rather alluring feel of the total picture .... just an opinion Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 08-03-2000).] |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
Philip..thanks for the read.. this was my first attempt at an Italian sonnet. the precise rhyming sceme it requires was somewhat demanding. you are right about the word "breast". that was a typo. and you are right again when you obsereved the languid, laid back mood of the piece, as this was my intention. It was not my intention to create something new but rather, something familiar to the reader. ergo, the "cliched phrases". In your case, I seem to have partially succeeded. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
lol... you sure did ... and thanks for the response philip |
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acidic angel Junior Member
since 2000-08-05
Posts 12winnipeg, canada |
i adore the mood you set with your descriptions. not much can be said other than... BEAUTIFUL! |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
thank you acidic angel. I appreciate your response |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi pegasus i love the theme you've chosen...you've described very vividly what you see but there is a lack of feeling in your words, I'm far from being an expert, not even sure novice would apply in my case LOL. how does what you see...make you feel? "it's there my love so gently goes, the object of my heart's delight, in every way without respite, her smile the source of purest light, golden tresses in waves surround, ample breast in lace trim abound, none sweeter in my garden found." I'm assuming that the garden, as beautiful as it is, can not compare to the love in your life, your love is the most beautiful thing in your garden, yet your descriptive lines depict the garden more and not your love. I do agree with philip on the rhyme, I think they are taking away from what you are saying. the theme is beautiful debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
mysticharm...thank you for the response. ok..in an Italian sonnet, after the first eight lines, the sestet (next six lines) are supposed to "turn"..that is, you begin to think of the subject differently..it would not have worked if the octet( first eight lines) were about my love and not the garden..I hope this helps. and, of course it must rhyme, or it is not a sonnet. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I pretty much echo Philip on this one but why why write a sonnet in tetrameter? Actually, I think the tone of this piece pretty much explains why pentameter is the preferred form for a sonnet. Even with one less foot the rhymes begin to call attention to themselves more than they should. Especially with your diction, I would definitely recommend longer lines. You should have been around when we had the a sonnet contest a while back. Brad |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi again  )I never said I was an expert lol, I have no clue about sonnets, I'm still working on the meter. I was not ditching your poem just giving my amateur opinion )debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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