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end and beginning
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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end and beginning |
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arthur Senior Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 678england |
end and beginning A soul wrapped in mortality Is born again in strife Newborn pure fragility Begins another life Brief time to take life's measure Enjoy each old delight Learning quickly what to treasure Before the fading of the light Spring gives way to Autumns frost The seasons change;the young grow old The souls wrapping leaves will soon be lost As the warmth of live turns ever cold The soul released from mortal clay Is set free again from strife Within Gods keeping it will stay Until called from peace to life Living teaches us to die And dying teaches us this truth Every end has a new beginning Wrapped inside it . Arthur |
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| © Copyright 2001 michael bennett - All Rights Reserved | |||
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Hey Arthur... read this a couple of times and stumbled over the last line..where you abandon the rhyme scheme... will try and come back later with some additional comments... but did want to let you know I had read it... |
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The Exile Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52Ontario, Canada |
Hi Arthur, I really like your poem a lot i mean the rhymes and everything worked out so perfectly in every stanza but the last one. In fact i am still not sure why you abandoned the rhyme like Michael pointed out before me. Another thing, would it be a lot better to put it as "As the warmth of life turns ever cold" instead of "live"? Good work, keep it up! Alex |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Very interesting...keep up the good work!! ~Somewhere in my heart I'm always |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Arthur, I too like the well crafted rhyme. I personally would prefer for the meter to be smoothed out a little. I don't suggest that you need to stay consistent from one stanza to the next but maybe reatin some consistency within each one. I'll try to give an example although it may distort you meaning. A soul wrapped in mortality Is born again in strife A newborn pure fragility Begins another life Brief time to take life's measure Enjoy each old delight Learn quickly what to treasure At fading of the light Spring gives way to Autumns frost The seasons change;the young grow old Souls wrapping leaves will soon be lost As warmth of life turns ever cold The soul released from mortal clay Set free again from strife Within Gods keeping it will stay 'Till called from peace to life Sorry for botching up your poem but IMHO the flow just works better in rhymed poetry when there is some discernable consistency to the meter. Thanks for the read Pete |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hello I am not a big fan of the old rhyme thing. A good poem non the less but the first couplet in the last stanza is the strongest part of the poem. Profound, truthful, sad, sublime etc..... |
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Tracey Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808where insanity meets breeding |
I liked the way the last line didn't rhyme with the rest and how it ended so abruply. It gives it a full stop. Almost like dying. I thought the whole poem was great. Very thought provoking. Tracey |
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shaddow New Member
since 2001-08-29
Posts 4TX |
I agree with Tracey. Great poem all around. The last stanza is like the final comment from Alfred Hitchcock after an excellent show. It gives the poem a sense of completion like the period at the end of a sentence. The the second and third stanza could use a bit of fine tunning in regards to the meter but its not distracting enough to take away from the substance of the poem. Keep up the good work. |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
I think "live" was probably a typo...(life?) and go along with all the kudo's otherwise up to the last line where I tripped and fell (hee hee). Feel maybe work that line a little to smooth out the stanza and it would be just great/complete. Nice write, my friend... jwesley |
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