I Never Fell In Love With you (repost) please C.A.

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Critical Analysis #1

I Never Fell In Love With you (repost) please C.A.

Elilas
Junior Member

since 2000-03-15

Posts 20
The Dalles, Oregon, USA

0 posted 2000-08-01 11:35 AM

I never fell in love with you.
I’m not sorry thought,
you see my love for you,
is not an abyss that I would rush into,
with my stead fully galloping.

But my love for you,
is that solid piece of grant that seemed impossible to climb.
I did though,
and with no ropes,
you see my love is so great I risked all.
I risked all because to climb this mountain,
meant to never come down.

I was meet by an angel.
My angel,
with open wings of love.

And don’t you see,
if I had rush in,
my stead at full gallop,
I may have blazed out the other side,
never knowing,
that I had ever really loved.

So my angel don’t be sad,
I love you now more than I did,
that first time I whispered it softly into your ear.

Hay guys When and if you reed this poem of mine.  Would you please tell me what you think i'm trying to express.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2000-08-01 06:12 PM

OK Steven,

First let me suggest that in the future you not specifically request responses in your subject and usually not in the body of the post either. In the vast majority of cases, the only reason anyone posts in CA is to get critical feedback, so specifically requesting it is not necessary. Besides that, it does seem to irritate some people.

Another thing, reposting is generally frowned upon. It uses up valuable resources and all. Even reposting from one forum to another is discouraged (except from the workshop). But reposting in the same forum is not good at all. Very likely that a moderator will delete one or both.

Now, for your poem. As I said, I'm certainly no expert. In fact, I don't claim to know much at all. I've said before, we really don't have experts here but we do have a few writers whose opinions I respect a great deal. Maybe some of them will add to this thread.

First, your writing is littered with misspelled words or perhaps typos. Is English your primary language? If so, you need to be more careful of that. Spelling and other obvious grammar errors also can be a turn off to some readers. If English is not your language then I compliment you on attempting to write in a second language. But, obvious errors are still somewhat distracting.

Now for the content. The first stanza doesn't seem to hold together. The reference to an abyss seems out of place as does the concept of rushing into it. Then the fully galloping steed (note spelling) just doesn't work. It might be possible to retain both those ideas but I think a better lead in would certainly be necessary.

Stanza 2, needs better wording. "solid piece of granite (sp)" could be expressed in a more poetic form, I think. Then in the next 2 lines give us a picture instead of just everyday words. Finally, I don't see the relevance of the last line. Why did climbing mean to never come down?

Stanza 3, except for the typo (met instead of meet) works pretty well, of itself. But again there is no lead in to it. We need to know where or how or why you suddenly met the angel.

Stanza 4 I think is pretty clear. But it has typos and again the reference to the galloping steed. Also, blazed out the other side is not a very good image. I'd rewrite that line but still keep the original meaning.

The last stanza again stands pretty well on its own. But much like the third, it just suddenly jumps out. The is really nothing anywhere else in the poem to lead us into the close.

Read a lot of other stuff in this forum to get some ideas of how to express your thoughts the when you write, watch the grammar and spelling and proof read several times. Get some help with proofing if you need it as accuracy is very important to many of your potential readers.

Of course, this is all just my opinion and you and many others may see it entirely differently. So I hope I have not offended or discouraged you in any way. Stick around, read a lot and keep writing. Then study the critiques, accept what you believe to be right and ignore the rest.

Hope to see more soon.

Thanks,
Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 08-01-2000).]

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