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Therapy?? |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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'I can take anything you throw at me', she said, completely relaxed, confident, playing at antagonist. he sat, quietly, crossing and uncrossing his legs, fiddling with the rubber bands around his wrist. she pleaded, 'come on - let me have it' as she leaned towards him. 'screw you', he spit back at her with a voice raised somewhat above his normal tone. gathering her things to head home, she thought to herself that this had been a very good day, a very good day, indeed. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Well, I'm probably way off here but I'll tell you what I saw in this anyway. I see an older couple (not necessarily the case but my view anyway) He's had a stroke and she is visiting him at the nursing facility, trying to promote communication. No, that's wrong, they're not older and he didn't have a stroke but some other mental or emotional illness. But the same alanysis still applies doesn't it? Well anyway, I thought this one was particularly good in its wording and presentation. I really enjoyed (even identified with) the "screw you" stanza. But the completely surprising turn at the last stanza is wat makes the poem and what gives the reader the insight into the personalities. Thanks for the read, Pete |
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Elilas Junior Member
since 2000-03-15
Posts 20The Dalles, Oregon, USA |
I would have to agree with not a poet on the good screw you stanza. But then I was lost at how it could be a good when some guy barks screw you and is to stupid to see her true fellings. I as guy apologise for the rest of us in the world that would say and do somthing as mean as this. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Kris, "'I can take anything you throw at me', she said, completely relaxed, confident, playing at antagonist." "playing at antagonist." in my opinion doesn't sound right. SHouldn't it be "playing at antagonism" or "playing the antagonist" or "playing with antagonism" or was that whole line just you playing the antagonist by wording it that way? Intentional? "he sat, quietly, crossing and uncrossing his legs, fiddling with the rubber bands around his wrist." I like this stanza, it's very subtle in helping create a mood. "she pleaded, 'come on - let me have it' as she leaned towards him." I dunno, "she pleaded" kinda sounded out of place. Perhaps consider using something other than "pleaded". "'screw you', he spit back at her with a voice raised somewhat above his normal tone." "somewhat above his normal tone" seemed a little too non-descrip. Consider changing the last line. Also consider dropping "he" for more dramatic effect."screw you/spit back at her." "gathering her things to head home, she thought to herself that this had been a very good day, a very good day, indeed." I like the idea in the last stanza, about the minut progress that is looked as a victory but I don't know if I'm sold on the cliched repetition in the last two lines. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad ending but somehow I think that you could probably "jazz" it up a bit and make it a little more Kris'ian.  Thanks for the read, pretty good poem,Trevor |
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