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Critical Analysis #1
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roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us

0 posted 2000-07-27 10:43 PM


easter drunken sunday
i showed up hung over

and christ's agony on the cross
was nothing compared to mine
as you spoon fed me water from a glass
and said "gosh, i'm sorry you're sick"

i was sorry too, sweetheart
i wish i could've told you

you stuffed my nausea with chocolates
things i didn't deserve, didn't need
like baskets of pink plastic grass
because you knew how i loved it.

and i loved you too, just
didn't seem that way then

i never felt the heat of your stare
more than then, in your fatherly embrace
as you wet my forehead with a cloth
and smoothed back my hair

and later just your tears
would alone bathe my feet.

"What is conversatism except adherence to the old and tired against the new and untried?"

Abraham Lincoln


roxane

© Copyright 2000 roxane - All Rights Reserved
deb
Junior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 44
Reading, Pa., USA
1 posted 2000-07-27 10:59 PM


Roxane, I think the metaphor used in this poem is quite good. The last stanza is good. Don't believe it is blasphemous--just a good use of metophers!

deb

pegasus111
Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa
2 posted 2000-07-27 10:42 AM


Yes, I agree. An interesting metaphor. Hard to worship anything with a hangover. Nice to have someone who loves you, comfort you ,and not say I told you so.

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost

Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
3 posted 2000-07-28 07:47 AM


hi roxane!  your poem is interesting, and not blashphmous, but i think the title is a little inflamatory.  unless that's what you wanted, i would change it to maybe something relating to the easter thing in the poem.  
luv Elyse

kris_aka_warmhrt
Junior Member
since 2000-07-25
Posts 15

4 posted 2000-07-28 11:55 AM


Rox,

Your use of metaphor here is very well done. In the speaker's semi-delirious state, the image of love alternating with the image of Christ is vivid. I, too, loved the last stanza, but do encourage you to modify the title with something more befitting it.

Great work, as usual, Rox,
Kris

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2000-07-28 11:57 AM


Sorry Rox, this one doesn't work for me. I mean it's well written and all that and I don't see it as blasphemous. I think it's the premise of the hang over. Maybe I spent too many mornings like that in my younger days.

I can't be certain who is offering comfort her but that was presented very well, just the right amount of sentiment, etc. Well, now it seems that I am liking it better than I first said   But you know I'm not much good at critiquing free verse anyway  

Thanks,
Pete

Tim Gouldthorp
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170

6 posted 2000-07-29 12:55 PM


roxane,

I've just got a little suggestion about the title.  I think changing the title would be a good idea, not becuase its necessarily blasphemous (no poem, of course, is blasphemous or offensive in itself - it takes a reader to assign it meaning as blasphemous) but because I think it doesn't have much relevance to the actual poem.  Maybe just 'Easter' or something might be better.  Just a suggestion.
-Tim

YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

7 posted 2000-07-29 10:34 PM


Gotta tell you. didn't work for me either.  I think it's my Judeo Christian sensibilities(yes, I do have that side too) but I just couldn't see any connection between the two scenes you use.
Marq
Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222

8 posted 2000-07-30 01:30 AM


I like this!  Good poems containing social and political commentary are rare!  Bravo to you!
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

9 posted 2000-07-31 06:56 PM


roxane, I really liked this very much, and the title, I say don't change it, It suits the poem and its unusual, Just my opinion    
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