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Critical Analysis #1
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Just a Kiss (repost from 8)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Just a Kiss (repost from 8) |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song 
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Just A Kiss I traveled that very first night As if being lifted out of my lull My body's encasing put into flight Resting atop the wing of a gull As our embrace turned visions of lust I found myself lying on a body of sand Feeling so lost in our lover's trust Ecstasy waiting so close at hand Slowly the tide caressed the pier While rythmic kisses abound in the air Rising gently, easing our fear Frequency increasing without a care With our hearts pounding close to their height And rythym matching the incoming tide Touching each wave in all it's might Power too stern for us to forsake Fear hidden beneath each caress Sheltered with the foaming sea Stealing the energy we each possess Slowly taking us where we wish to be With thunderous ripples across our beach One last surge came our way Gazing upon the stars we seek to reach Convulsions passed in their brief stay Surges gone... tide going out Gentle calmness in our souls bliss Loving words whispered removing all doubt And to think this was just a kiss! Mark Bohannan |
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| © Copyright 2000 Mark Bohannan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
Mark, you need to bottle kisses like that and sell them.  fear hidden beneath each caress sheltered with the foaming sea I have to admit, you lost me here. the ocean, the surf, the right girl, then, fear. like someone threw cold water on me..fear of what might happen next? fear of committment? at that moment in time, fear would be the last thing on my mind..just an opinion..the rest of the poem was a great read. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
pegasus111-the whole poem is about the first kiss of a new love. I think you are right on that line as it does tend to lead one of in the wrong direction. I appreciate your comment and evaluation. Many thanks to you. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Actually, I'd go in the opposite direction here and try to bring out more of the tension, the fear of a first kiss. You begin with the kiss and end with the kiss but, for some reason, that repetition simply doesn't resonate the way it should. Bring some tension into this piece so that you propel the reader forward. Drop the rhyme scheme and avoid all those strong stresses in the beginning of the lines -- you're killing the climax before you've even got the girl excited. Be vary careful of ocean imagery in a poem like this - they are very popular (popular is not a good thing in poetry - originality is.)  I never wrote this poem although I have a sketch of some of my thoughts after kissing my first wife: Hah, I got her, got her. Uh oh, uh oh, oh, damn, I don't have her. She's got me. Have fun and just an opinion, Brad |
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cathybohannan Member
since 2000-07-31
Posts 140Paintsville,KY |
Mark, this is a lovely poem, keep up the good work. [This message has been edited by cathybohannan (edited 07-31-2000).] |
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kelli Junior Member
since 2000-07-31
Posts 10washington |
I loved the poem and thought that it was written very well. I thought the best line was "loving words whispered removing all doubt." |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
Brad- Thank you so much. I havd been trying to get away from the rhyme scheme and it is difficult for me. I have thought about what you said in regards to the tension and I like that approach and yes I know that ocean imagery is popular and I have fallen into one of the traps that beginners fall into. I have only been writing for a short while and that is why I posted this here. I want to learn and I do so much appreciate your honesty and look forward to growing in my abilities as a poet. Thank you much for your time and your analysis...it has helped a great deal. Cathy-thanks sis but as you can tell I have some work ahead of me in this. kelli-Thank you so much...welcome to Passions and I hope to see you in the forums...I mainly hang out in the open forums like#9 right now. |
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