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Critical Analysis #1
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one thirty
New Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2


0 posted 2000-07-27 12:03 PM


If you think too long, you'll end up thinking everything is wrong
All the wasted time leaves too much to be done
Missed oppurtunity is full of blame
Could have been is always so much clearer than what will be
When the moments that turn into days are spent
And the misery you've collected in an idle mind
Is buried beneath the asuurance
That doing something, is doing something right


© Copyright 2000 one thirty - All Rights Reserved
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

1 posted 2000-07-27 01:36 PM


Hey there!
And welcome to Passions...  

Just popping in here on the run as it is an insane hour of the morning you see.

So I will just jot down some basics here...

First obvious thing are your spelling errors/typos...

opportunity
assurance

My pet peeve when writing freeverse is writing every line with initial capitals. Try removing them - and seeing what a difference it makes...


Also - your lines are unbalanced. What do I mean here? It looks like you have thrown them together without really crafting it...lines need to be put together artfully...

So I would try experimenting with the lengths of your lines...also, to aid how you do place your lines, think of the sounds within the words and align them next to others. For example:

This first part:

'If you think too long, you'll end up thinking everything is wrong'

could instead become:

'If you think
too long you'll
end up thinking
everything is wrong'

this just removes the clumsiness and makes the rhyme of 'long' and 'wrong' internal.

'When the moments that turn into days' - I like this image...

Ok - I will leave it there for now.

Once again welcome to Passions...

    K



[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 07-27-2000).]

roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
2 posted 2000-07-27 10:36 PM


hi there.
this is an interesting and inspirational poem.   a sort of "here's a reason to wake up in the morning" type of deal.  the only thing that i would give any suggestion to is to somehow make the lines relate to each other more.  when you read it, do you get a bit of a feeling that the lines are more singular than cooperative?  that's the feeling that i get.  the last four lines get increasingly stronger, we see the poet finding its voice, and they are more connected.  by the last two, this is mastered, and the lines are wonderful.  with this in mind, i suggest you read the top four again.  do you feel there is something lacking in comparision to these bottom four?  i feel like that last four were probably more inspired than the top, so the only advice i can give is to work on the top four lines.

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