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Critical Analysis #1
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Repost From Open 8 - Would like some input.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Repost From Open 8 - Would like some input. |
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jefsand Junior Member
since 2000-07-15
Posts 18 |
The Earth Embraced Him He was born Upon a Mountain high Everything he is or could be was above him The sky was the limit It was there above him All he had to do was grasp it The wonder in his eyes lit up the room The Sun shone upon him The Earth embraced him He grew to manhood Life passed him by Everything he could have been, Forgotten as time passed him by He died alone Wondering why The Moon shone upon him The Earth Embraced him |
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| © Copyright 2000 jefsand - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Jefsand Nice work, this poem is already a million times better than the last one you posted. The earth embracing him and the sky above is a good idea. Try and stick to this. Being born on a moutain, the wonder in his eyes etc probably don't really add much to this. -tim |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
Hi, I agree with Tim. Those two lines are unnecessary. I get the feeling you could have taken this a little further, that something is missing. Just an opinion. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Yes, I certainly liked it better than the last one - you've got an interesting ending but I think you need to expand it slightly. He was born Upon a Mountain high --why mountain high? Why high? What's wrong with "He was born on a mountain"? Forgive but I usually prefer understatement or declarative to the 'loftier ' language generally associated with poetry. Everything he is or could be was above him -unclear what you mean; his ultimate end is up there? I think you need to develop a tension a hope here. It doesn't matter how it ends, you don't want to give to much away like this. The sky was the limit --Be careful of these types of phrasing. They can easily trivialize what you want to do. It was there above him --this seems repetious but I like this line better than 'the sky was the limit'. All he had to do was grasp it The wonder in his eyes lit up the room The Sun shone upon him The Earth embraced him --childhood. This is enough information (if expanded properly for a brand new poem) He grew to manhood Life passed him by Everything he could have been, Forgotten as time passed him by --That was one hell of leap between those two stanzas. You interest me and then jump to the end of his life. Show me what happened here. He died alone Wondering why The Moon shone upon him The Earth Embraced him --Okay, it's a pretty depressing ending but I see potential if you expand on the stuff before this stanza. Suggestion: don't try to revise this one but rewrite it without looking. Try to be specific as possible with the images and try to give a little more of the speaker's reasoning for feeling the way he does (although that would be better as images as well) Compare the two and see what happens. Just an opinion, Brad |
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