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Earth Bound
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Earth Bound |
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confused_girl New Member
since 2000-07-25
Posts 1 |
This is the first poem i've posted here and i'm hoping its not a mistake to post one so short. I tend to like short poetry though i think i could of extended a little on this. Maybe i don't explain my ideas enough in this one? ----Earth Bound---- I can see the horizon Reeking of selfish delusions Born from dreams of flesh And even though i am Earthbound, I can not control myself |
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| © Copyright 2000 confused_girl - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Confused, And welcome to CA. Nothing wrong with a short poem at all. I was following this one ok until the last line. Maybe I'm a little dense this morning but it just didn't seem to fit. Probably just me though. Anyway, hope to see much more from you. Thanks, Pete |
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kris_aka_warmhrt Junior Member
since 2000-07-25
Posts 15 |
Nothing wrong with short poems, as long as they're not short on substance. I'm a bit confused at the meaning, but somehow I suspect religion is involved. It's saying the speaker knows he/she is deluded by dreaming of physical acts, and cannot control him/her self though he/she is "Earthbound". That last word is what throws me. That doesn't mean it's bad, just means I don't know if I get it completely. I think if I did, I'd be able to critique the poem more accurately...I tried. Kris |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Firstly welcome to Passions... You know, I really like this - I see it as a diamond in the rough...it just needs to be sharpened a little... First - my interpretation was something along the lines of the speaker as being ruled by a desire to reach something that is an impossibility. It is also a desire that is perhaps, not just uncontrollable, but slightly unstable. The first line suggests that the speaker has made their own horizon...of dreams and delusions...this naturally fits in with being earthbound. There is a silent 'unfulfilled' in front of dreams, and delusions speaks for itself. To sum it up, the last line quite simply, and quite evocatively to me, suggests that the speaker will continue to reach for that horizon, even though it doesn't seem likely it will ever be reached. I can see the potential interpretation of a moral overtone...there is definitely a sexual one. As far as the structure of the piece goes, there are a few changes I would suggest.. First - it might be a good idea to remove the initial capitals from each line...lower case eases the flow here. It is such a short read that the flow is essential I feel. I would change the 'reeking' to 'it reeks' and remove the pluralisation from 'delusions'. These just tighten it up a little. The 'it reeks' adds a slight pause between that and the previous line. In short pieces it is really important I think to achieve sound spacing...ie, when a reader says it out loud, or in their head, a certain rhythm is there...shorter pieces need this even more than longer ones in many cases, as they are so abrupt - hence, they need all the impetus they can get. I would remove the comma and in place of it I would actually separate your last line from the main body. For two reasons. It creates a pause, and more importantly you have repetition in the first and last line of 'I can' and 'I cannot'. Repetition can be dangerous, especially in such a short poem. But in this case, I think by line separation it is put to good use. It emphasises the sense of futility of the speaker, and also the repetition now appears wholly deliberate. Last thing - 'can not' needs to be 'cannot'. So - it would look like this: I can see the horizon it reeks of selfish delusion born from dreams of flesh and even though I am earthbound I cannot control myself Please tell me what you think?  K |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
the only thing that i see wrong with having such a short poem is that i feel you have much more to say. i feel that there is much more to be elaborated upon, and all you need is a couple more stanzas. i have a hard time critiquing shorter poems, so i don't really know what else to say, except to capitalize and draw attention to the word Earthbound, you must make the reader aware of the significance of this word. |
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