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Critical Analysis #1
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The Rose (a working title, any better ideas?)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Rose (a working title, any better ideas?) |
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Clara Junior Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 21England, but moving to Sweden this year |
The Rose (a working title, any better ideas?) Yellow petals, soft as silk Yet far more delicate still One curled around another Like lovers quietly sleeping Content in each others arms A soft early morning breeze Conspiring with the sunlight To gently caress the rose The light creating pools of soft gold Together waking it to the new day A single drop of morning dew Glistens on a petals edge Before descending slowly To fall un-noticed To the fertile ground below The rose awakens Stretching dreamily in the sunlight Releasing it's sweet fragrance To be carried by the breeze Through an open window I waken with a slight smile Inhaling the scents from the garden And turn my head to the side Smiling more as I see him The one I love so dearly As he lies sleeping beside me I suddenly know without doubt The world at this moment This one single sweet moment Is perfect. Clara The quiet English one |
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| © Copyright 2000 Clara - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Clara, Welcome to CA, I see that you are pretty new here. I like your poem and think "The Rose" is a pretty darn good title. Not sure I would want to change it. Pete |
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Clara Junior Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 21England, but moving to Sweden this year |
Thanks Pete. Yeah I am pretty new, but hope to be able to post more here in future (think have posted about 5 poems so far). Glad you liked it, and thanks for your input on the title. I thought it might seem a little trite but couldn't think of a better one myself. Clara The quiet English one |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi clara, and welcome  you do fairly well creating your images, which seem clear enough. just to throw it out there, lots of people use phrases like "pools of light" and "silky petals". i know they sound good, and there's certainly nothing wrong with them. If you can, though, it would be a more interesting description if you could create a fresh way of describing what you want to say. thats just something to think about. Yet far more delicate still this line, "yet" and "still" mean the same thing. id pick one only. also, i notice that you use a lot of progressive (-ing) verbs. where you can, try to change that to the regular present. it'll make it more active, and stronger. another thing, see if you can change some of your "to...." phrases to go without the "to". it gets a little sticky when you pile up prepositions.  welcome to the slice and dice, and i think your title is fine luv Elyse |
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Clara Junior Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 21England, but moving to Sweden this year |
Thanks Elyse Gosh, progressive and present tense verbs, prepositions etc. I hope there won't be a test on any of this later  Its great that people here actually know this stuff and can help. Thanks for all your advice, I'll be looking at the poem again and will try to put those things into practice. All advice I get here is greatly appreciated as I have only been sharing what I write for a few months. I do share stuff with others in another place, but basically everyone poors praise over them without actually saying anything (you know the type of thing). Thats why I came here. So 'slice and dice' away lol Clara The quiet English one |
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kris_aka_warmhrt Junior Member
since 2000-07-25
Posts 15 |
Clara, I think this poem is perfectly lovely. Your words are chosen expertly to bring forth the imagery here. I love the first stanza, especially the last three lines, and the "spooning" image they created. The only thing I would change would be to leave the hyphen out of unnoticed. Beautiful poem, Clara, Kris |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Clara, If you need any more convincing I think a simple title like "The Rose" is fine. I think the poem is quite nice. However, I think there is the danger of making everthing so lovely that a kind of silence seeps over the imagery (I mean the imagery loses its fecundity). Maybe be careful with words like 'sweet' and in combining too many lovely images ie the beautiful rose and your lover in bed. Just a suggestion. -Tim |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
I like it just as it is, title and all..one has to have been there, been that happy, been that content , to truly understand the picture you have painted. obviously, you have..and just as obviously, some of us haven't.. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
A rose? The Rose!!!! I can't believe anyone would write a poem about a rose, describing the rose on my beat. I just can't believe it. How many times have I said that the rose is overuse idea in poetry. I can't believe it. I can't believe I actually liked this poem. Your use of imagery is strong even for an overused theme like this; your tone matches the theme quite well - I found myself reading for enjoyment. I would have liked some more punctuation and I would definitely think about dropping that last stanza; it jarred me and I don't think it's necessary. Just do me a favor and don't tell anyone I liked this - I've got a rep. to uphold. Brad |
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Clara Junior Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 21England, but moving to Sweden this year |
Kris An old face with a new name? Thank you, glad you liked it. I hadn't noticed the hyphen, but you are right it shouldn't really be there. Tim Fecundity ? Eeek!! Wheres my dictionary?! With regards to combining lovely images. Actually I wanted to put the 2 ideas together a little to see how it would work. The softness of silk /petals/skin, the 'spooning' of the petals like lovers, the breeze and sunlight caressing the rose as one might caress a lover to gently wake them from sleep etc etc Perhaps it didn't work as well as I had hoped it would. Maybe I went too far, or perhaps not far enough? Pegasus What can I say? Yes I have been there, its a wonderful place and one I hope to visit many times Thank you Brad  !!!!!! No one's listening right?? Thank you! To know that you liked this even while not wanting to is high praise and means a lot. Punctuation? Whats that? lol Thanks for your comments everyone, feedback, suggestions and ideas are always welcome. Clara The quiet English one |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I heard that Brad  and don't be surprised if the word gets around  |
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