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The Bangs
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Bangs |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The bangs outside the door are making it very hard to work; I want to cruise to a bar and get a few drinks, Have some conversation with my favorite bartender Who gets me excited with her fancy gin 'n tonics. She slips them to me when the boss isn't watching, Always certain that I'll keep an eye on the tight ass. I wish I knew what the hell they were wrecking out there? It's giving me a headache that'll ruin my fun tonight. Just have to wait; I'm looking forward to an evening Of flirting and joking and teasing and being teased. The banging turned to crashing and my office wall Was changed to a gaping hole and there in the center, Through the coughing and squinting and all that dust, Was my wife holding a large axe and a big smile. Oh well, it will just have to wait because I'm going home To flirting and joking and teasing and being teased. |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
marvelous Brad.... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Good Brad, but now I see you have moved from the legs to the ass  But better watch out for that wife with the axe, my friend. Trust me on this  Pete |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Mr. Mattox, "The bangs outside the door are making it very hard to work; I want to cruise to a bar and get a few drinks," Not bad opening however "I want to cruise to a bar" doesn't flow well....sounds clunky. "Have some conversation with my favorite bartender Who gets me excited with her fancy gin 'n tonics" I really liked the second line of this couplet. "She slips them to me when the boss isn't watching, Always certain that I'll keep an eye on the tight ass." I'm guessing "tight ass" is meant as a double meaning, tight ass boss (cheap) and the tight ass of the bartender. Is that what you were going for? Good work. "I wish I knew what the hell they were wrecking out there? It's giving me a headache that'll ruin my fun tonight." Okay couple of lines, maybe a little weaker then the other ones in terms of punching power. "Just have to wait; I'm looking forward to an evening Of flirting and joking and teasing and being teased." Pretty decent lines. "The banging turned to crashing and my office wall Was changed to a gaping hole and there in the center, Through the coughing and squinting and all that dust, Was my wife holding a large axe and a big smile." I had trouble with the tenses in these four lines. The first half of the poem seems to be present then here, further into the future it is described as the past. Perhaps consider changing it to something like: "The banging is now crashing and my office wall Changes to a gaping hole and there in the center, Through the coughing and squinting and all that dust, Stands my wife holding a large axe and a big smile." Dunno if that works for you perhaps changing the whole thing to past tense might be beter??? "Oh well, it will just have to wait because I'm going home To flirting and joking and teasing and being teased." I liked the ending and the way you used the same lines to describe ideas regarding a different woman. Pretty good work Brad, thanks for the read, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: I read this some time ago and bookmarked it so that I wouldn't forget to come back to it. Well, here I am. My first reaction to the poem was somewhat negative ... I found the imagery of your wife with the ax a little overstated and the humor I perceived in the scene seemed a little dry. But you know me better than that ... I HAD to find some deeper shred of meaning intertwined in those "clunky" lines Trevor mentioned. My take on this is that the office is a metaphor for the boundaries you set (or think you set) for how you were planning on living your life. I suppose your wife (or the love for your wife) is the irresistible force that showed very little regard for your "important" plans. The last lines are particularly interesting to me and, I think, gives us a look at the "real" Brad. The lines tell me that, once the boundaries were breached and you realized who it was who was trying to make her way into your world, the decision to put your self-constructed life aside was a no-brainer decision. I suppose you could apply the metaphor to either the time before you met and acknowledged falling in love with your wife OR it could apply to any time during your marriage when you fall into the very male trap of failing to prioritize correctly.  I need those little reminders from time to time too. Oh ... and the tense shift came across as a little bit of a blemish to me too. I like the idea, Brad (at least I like what I THINK is the idea). Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-03-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who replied. I'd almost forgotten I'd posted this one. Local Rebel, Glad to see your still lurking around these parts. Pete, Almost used an AK47 for that image -- I'm married to a Korean woman so I fully understand the power of a woman scorned. And people think Latin woman are possessive. Trevor, You make some valid points concerning some of the diction. It's always interesting to me that when you try to come off as 'natural' the opposite reaction is often elicited. The tense problems is attempt to show thought (present) and description (past) without having to use quotes. I certainly understand your point though and will take it into consideration. Thanks. Jim, That's pretty much it. I hadn't considered the idea of before meeting Mijung but it does fit. I've been intrigued by the conflicts in relationships of prioritizing without the consideration that the fun "of the moment" can be just as perpetuated by those endless "responsibilites" that a real relationship offers. Surprise is just as constructed whether it is in a relationship or in the potential for a relationship - it has to do with the way you look at it. Or something like that, Brad |
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Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
Hi Brad, I feel your lurking at the moment here, so I just want to say a few things about the 'Bangs'. After reading it more than once and knowing the going ons more personally than others reading this, I enjoyed the satirical nature of this poem but had to agree with Jim on forcing of the line about the wife & axe. I also didnt like the 6th stanza, a little awkward even with Trevors revision. This, I think, was the switch in your work, but came out a little flat. Overall, quite a good job, ahhhhhhhhhh where's that gin & tonic now????? |
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