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Spirits of the night (please give advice)
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Spirits of the night (please give advice) |
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jamesjiao Member
since 2000-04-12
Posts 268Backwaters of Avalon 
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Spirits of the night Here against your silhouette, The reed stems dance, Like the spirits of the night, Heralding your presence. Here you hear my heart, In a palpitating trance, Like ripples hastily depart, A trip to the Heavens. Here your eyes release, A lustrous blue glance, That brings my soul to peace, Resting in silence. Here two swans span wings, To head to their plans, Smiling I pack up my things, Knowing love blossoms. - James The beauty of nature is displayed, not through itself, but through the creatures dwelling within its bosom. |
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| © Copyright 2000 James Jiao - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
the best advice that i can give, apart from critiquing this poem is to tell you that it is in your best interest to not put a request for replies in your title. for some reason that irks a lot of people. but not me so much, because i rather liked this poem. the only thing that i found awkward was the rhyme scheme. most of the time, people use abcb not abac. i think that the abcb adds more of a completeness to the quatrains. it makes them more rounded. to have that last line hanging off and belonging nowhere is a little strange. my favorite stanza is the first. i can see that you're going to be noted around here for your grasp of creating beautiful and vibrant imagery. this paints a very tranquil, serene image. the second and last stanzas are equally good. the last especially gives off a feeling of wholeness, of oneness, of hope. i really like it for the feeling, and would like it even better if it had the imagery of stanza 1. possibly the weakest is stanza 3. soul to peace in silence is a little trite. i don't feel so much silence as maybe a soft rustle or a the sound of a kiss... maybe not peace as much as contentment. and if these are the precise feelings that you want to convey, make the rest of the poem more match the "silence". anyways, it was an enjoyable poem. i hope anything that i said was helpful. |
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m3jay Junior Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 12 |
I liked it. The only thing was the rhyme scheme. abcb is the most commonly used, and it also sounds better, but your originality with using an abac thing is cool. good luck!! |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi james! i have to jump on the weird rhyme scheme bandwagon. i also wonder where the rhyme went in the first stanza. i mean, the first stanza is great, but it seems strange that a rhyme scheme you hold to in the other three is missing in that one. i hesitate to suggest changing it though, its very lovey. i also really dug your last stanza. except i think you meant to type "heed" instead of "head", yes? something you could do with the rhyme, keep your abac, but start the next stanza with that c. so you carry the rhyme over and you dont have poor little lines clinging onto the stanzas for dear life, not seeming to be anchored to anything. (please excuse the stupidity, i thought that sounded funny  )Like ripples hastily depart, A trip to the Heavens. i feel i should like some different punctuation here. also, the way its worded, or puntuated or something, its not too clear whether you mean to compare the length of the trip to the speed of ripples departing (which i assume you mean) or you're comparing something to ripples, and then saying that thing hastily departs. or at least it seemed so when i read it. anyway, nice peice, look forward to more from you  luv Elyse |
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jamesjiao Member
since 2000-04-12
Posts 268Backwaters of Avalon |
Thank everyone for your comments.. I shall consider them all. I am new to poetry and there is a lot I need to improve on. Thanks again. - James The beauty of nature is displayed, not through itself, but through the creatures dwelling within its bosom. |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
James, Just a few suggestions. Maybe don't try and ryhme at all in this poem - whenever I stumble it seems to be a result of contortions allowing the rhyme. Some specifics: 2nd stanza, 2nd line consider removing 'a'. The last two lines in the 2nd stanza didn't really work too well for me. Last stanza second line, consider 'Heading to their plans' Anyway, these changes are very slight. -Tim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I guess I'm just a follower. At first glance the rhyme scheme cought my eye and just felt wrong. Then I read the other responses and found that Roxane said exactly what I wanted to say, then added even more advice. Also, Tim hit on another point. In most cases, a rhyming poem needs a consistent rhythm. Yours can be a little hard to read smoothly, especially the non-rhyming lines. Sorry to not have anything new to add but the others just beat me to it. Pete |
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