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Critical Analysis #1
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deb
Junior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 44
Reading, Pa., USA

0 posted 2000-07-19 10:51 PM



Could it be?
The land that divides us divided us
In the name of religion
Castigation is made holy
Ominous treads made sacred
Efface of a culture becomes endorsed by the blood of a prophet

A city in the name if God
Yet war, treachery, emnity,
Obtruded by those who need to be sanctified
Sanctioned by blinded wasted time
Your sanctimonious ways a perfidious act upon the Holy
For the world to rectify

What are we fighting for?
Could it be that we are merely self-fulfilling prophecy?
Is this our freedom....




[This message has been edited by deb (edited 07-20-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 deb - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2000-07-23 12:55 PM


I love the title to this piece and was expecting a lot more. I think poltical poetry in indeed a neglected genre but this falls into the trap that so much political poetry inevitably seems to fall into - it moves into abstract, moral generalizing.

There's a lot that could be done here and some of your word usage is interesting but right now I'm left wanting more, more.  It's almost as if you wrote around what you wanted to say rather than actually saying it.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Tim Gouldthorp
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170

2 posted 2000-07-23 03:29 AM


Deb

I applaude you for attempting a political poem.  Let me say from experience that  a political poem is exceedingly difficult to pull off ( a while ago I posted a poem here criticising capital punishment.  I feel everything I wrote was morally and factually truthful - but it failed miserably becuase of the way it was expressed).  I agree strongly with your attitude towards the Palistine - Isreal conflict, even if my sympathy in this instance tends towards the Palistinians.  My suggestion is this, as Brad pointed out, I think it is almost necessary to describe a scene in which the moral viewpoint is seemingly absent.  I say seemingly absent becuase you construct the poem in such a way that a certain moral impression seems necessary - this is the power of the political poem.  You could even do this by writing a poem that seems to justify continued conflict - but with just enough shadow of irony for the reader to rebel against the morality you are seemingly portrayed - and thus leading them into the higher realm (was it you that admired Plato?) of your moral insight, unwittingly.  This is rather general but I hope it helps.
-Tim

deb
Junior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 44
Reading, Pa., USA
3 posted 2000-07-23 06:04 PM


Brad....yes, I expected more too. When I originaly started out I had intentions of this being a longer, more drawn out poem. I suppose I "got to the point" to quickly. There is so much that could have been said. Maybe some additives will be added....later.Thanks for your thoughts.

Tim....you are right. My moral thoughts stand out--leaves nothing for the reader to ponder/think about. I like your suggestion about "shadowing" the moral judgments. Again, it's a matter of leaving the reader with something to think about--allowing the reader to reach the plain of higher thinking on their own. Thanks for the feedback.

deb

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
4 posted 2000-07-24 01:51 AM


Yeppers, gonna have to side with Brad on this one. The title reeeealllly lured me in, which isn't easy these days but the content seemed average. Instead of documenting a few tidbits of the obvious, perhaps you should go more for the obscure and really try to capture what two political forces would say if they met. Do you really think the conversation would ever go..."A city in the name if God
Yet war, treachery, emnity,
Obtruded by those who need to be sanctified
Sanctioned by blinded wasted time"...hell no! It would probably circle about for most of the time before they engaged in the pleasentries of an arguement. Either rewrite the poem to suit the title...because currently you only have it as your opinion and not as the title so speaks......or rewrite the title to suit the poem.....my onpinon is rewrite the poem because the idea behind the title is terricific and quite original...that is if you redo the poem.

My suggestion is....empathize with both parties and actually try and depict what they would say to one another, that would make it stand out more...well that's just my opinion and its rarely taken so don't be discouraged if you disagree with what I've said.

Thanks for the read,
Trevor

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