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jefsand
Junior Member
since 2000-07-15
Posts 18


0 posted 2000-07-19 10:09 PM


He's a poet and didn't know it
Thoughts bursting but unable to show it
Emotions unbridled he's tries to emote it

--------------

Is this poetry? Where would you go from here,is it enough just to write down your thoughts.

jefsand

© Copyright 2000 jefsand - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2000-07-20 10:26 AM


Hi Jefsand

Welcome to CA. Sure, if you say it's poetry then it's poetry. A poem doesn't have to deal with failed love or failed humanity or some other monumental subject. Neither does it have to be long. It can be very short or completely whimsical and still be just as good although maybe not as important. I hope that answers your first question.

About just writing down your thoughts and that constituting poetry. I suppose you might call it that, but I don't believe good poetry (or good anything else for that matter) can be written that way. That is, unless you are very unusually talented.

Now since this is Critical Analysis, I have a comment or two on your poem.

1) This one is on the whimsical or light hearted side and is pretty constructed for that.
2) In line 1 you have what could be a conflict of verb tenses between "He is" and "did not". I think Doesn't would be more appropriate than didn't.
3) There is a slight rhythm road bump in the second line when considered with the others.

Here is how I would change it.

   He's a poet and doesn't know it
   Thoughts though bursting unable to show it
   Emotions unbridled he's tries to emote it

Of course this is JMHO and we all know about opinions   and you are the poet so feel free to ignore anything I said  

Thanks,
Pete


[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 07-20-2000).]

Tim Gouldthorp
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170

2 posted 2000-07-21 03:17 AM


Jefsand,

I'd just like to add a few general comments to Petes.

Firstly, don't try and sound 'poetic' diction with words like 'unbridled' and 'emote.'  Just try and use words accurately and descriptively.  Don't worry at this stage about rhyme or anything like that.  In fact, Id suggest trying to write a short paragraph (prose poem) descriptively - this is still poetry, and you can worry about line breaks rhyme etc later.  Think of learnig poetry as learning to play a musical instrument.  If you just decided to play what you felt without learning it, it wouldn't sound good.  The same goes for poetry.
Good luck.
-Tim


Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2000-07-21 03:41 AM


There are different schools of thought on this subject. Some at this site will say yes, others will say no. By posting in the CA forum, you've landed yourself squarely in the no camp - we practically demand revision as a way of life.  Not that we follow our own beliefs all the time.  

Is this a poem?

That's up to you. Is it a poem I like? Not particularly.

He's a poet and didn't know it

--This isn't actually an original phrase, is it?  As a comic poem, it's a good start but you don't have a punch line.

Thoughts bursting but unable to show it

--Yeah, but why should I care? What thoughts?  Tell me what these thoughts are. Maybe use a stream of consciousness technique or something and have these thoughts flow the poem; it can give the poem a lot of texture.


Emotions unbridled he's tries to emote it.

-- I don't understand the 'he's tries' part. Is this a typo?  We all make them but here you can clean it up. I guess he's saying he tries to emote his unbridled emotion but emotion is a word singularly lacking in emotion.  Give us a scene where something like this does happen. Describe the contact actions and expressions of a character in this scene. Right now you are writing about a poem rather than writing one.

Do you see my point?

Just an opinion,
Brad

jefsand
Junior Member
since 2000-07-15
Posts 18

4 posted 2000-07-21 08:34 PM


Pete,Tim, Brad,

Thanks for comments. Who says you can't learn something new everyday.


Sort of what I thought regarding the question, "Is it a poem?". I suppose the rules don't have boundaries, would that be right? It's all (poetry) open to interpretation, if I call it a poem, it's a poem.

How is good poetry measured, or what is good poetry?

Pete,
I liked your changes. I'm not exactly sure what you mean about rhythm!


Tim,
What would you write about? Would you write something to yourself? I find it hard putting the thoughts down. They sound great as I'm thinking about them, but confusing when I write them down.


Brad,

Your right, I wasn't writing a poem, I've been reading the poems in Open 8, and there's so much that's good and other stuff that doesn't appeal to me. I want to write, and I'd like it to be good. The three lines I wrote, were a feeler, they sounded okay to me. I knew they weren't good and want to learn how to make them so. How would you have written that last line.

Thanks again for your comments. I posted a poem in open 8, would you guys mind if I posted it here. I'd like you guys to rip it up.  

Tim Gouldthorp
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170

5 posted 2000-07-22 12:16 PM


Jefsand,

Write about anything you want to!  Whatever that is, try and express it using clear descriptive words that make the reader interested in it - whether its your feelings about about a certain person or landscape or even a simple object like a peice of fruit.  Anything is a suitable topic for poetry.

Good poetry can't be defined, but there are certain features of it:

All the words used are necessary to convey the impression - none are used for no reason.

Good poetry expresses specific individual feelings.  For instance, your poem above would have been better if the poem something told us about the feeling of having ideas to write but not being able.

Uses images to convey the feeling or idea.  For instance, you might describe the feeling you want to express filling up inside you like water, but the words you use always holding it in.  This is a very poor example but you get the idea.

Good poetry makes use of the sound of words.  The natural rise and fall of words (the rhythm) is used in many ways to make the poem speed up, slow down etc. Certain words sound ackward when put together because of the rhythm.  At the moment don't worry too much about this - if you post at CA I'm sure you'll get some feedback on it in your poems.

These are just some of the things that go into good poetry, there are many more.  Read lots of good poetry.  Get a begginers guidebook on poetry.  Don't worry that your ideas or feelings don't come across very well at the moment.  Poetry is so much more complex than most people think - and if your enthusiastic this is good - becuase it means that if you are patient to learn it you'll eventually write good poetry.  Even the very best poets, although of course they have talent, have practiced very carefully for a long time to learn.
-Tim

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
6 posted 2000-07-23 01:07 AM


Sure you can repost a poem here (make sure you make that clear that it is a repost and not an attempt at multiple posting - people aren't too fond of that around here).

Tim has some strong advice here.

Brad

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