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Exhale
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Exhale |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095
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Air disturbed and my breath creates a spinning tunnel I inhale a whisper drawn, to emit a cloud of doom which casts a shadow within beams of light that journeys predominately unto this concrete space upon sunlit rays I produce a pattern of tasteless air, and I, the taster of worthless trash, devote my time my gaze, to rotating mini winds and stormy vapour it seeps within, flowing along the rush of bloody rivers pumping furiously towards the region of attack Dark Angel July 2000 |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
 The title explains it all.... A real gasp of bad air space... I enjoyed the flow and the style of your poem... One thing that I might change is the placement of a comma. I would move the comma from between "gaze" and "to" to between "time" and "my."just my opinion, Bob <>< |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Not in your normal format I see....lol Your usual good work as is the norm. everyone has their preferences and mine would be--- Air disturbed and my breath creates a spinning tunnel I inhale- a whisper drawn to emit a cloud of doom; which casts a shadow within beams of light- that journeys predominately unto this concrete space upon sunlit rays I produce a pattern of tasteless air; and I- the taster of worthless trash, devote my time; my gaze, to rotating mini winds and stormy vapour: it seeps within, flowing along the rush of bloody rivers, pumping furiously towards the region of attack of course that is just me--8-) very nice as is; though i too stumble on the punctuation a bit. < !signature--> Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". [This message has been edited by Prometheus (edited 07-15-2000).] |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
I like this a lot - great imagery - you really create a "place" for this poem to live in. I agree with Bob about that comma. I'm not too high on the "Mini" winds, but can't seem to come up with a suitable suggestion, so maybe it is oaky. Are you the same Dark Angel I've seen posted elsewhere (Ani, starlite)? |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Maree I just got in from the garden and have to go get washed! I hope to get back to this afterwards ... just in case i don't I'll mention for now that i don't like "unto" .. can't you use "into"? the rest I think is pretty good ..lol... back soon P |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
ok back, clean and suitably perfumed ..lol as I was saying ..i like it but despite reading it on and off all day i can't say I’m much closer to fully understanding what you had in mind when writing this. (Maybe i’m gonna live to regret the Dylan T thing !! lol) ok at one level its fairly clear that this is about the speaker inhaling .. then exhaling to create a vortex in the dust motes of sunbeams .. wasting time contemplating the effect ... then seemingly inhaling again to oxygenate the blood and on to the heart..... so simple..LOL... yeah yeah.......... Really nice imagery and ideas .. you are getting good at that .......but, as Brad would say .. where is the contradiction, the self reflection or the presentation of a different view .how does this poem “expand the readers mind”? Maybe there is indeed some sort of contradiction?... The inhaling and exhaling is in itself a contradiction of sorts .. “taster of worthless trash” certainly seems to suggest a good deal of tension here .. as does the word “attack” at the end of the poem... The speaker almost seems to loathe herself ..or at the very least feel she is wasting time or her life ... I’d like to think that maybe the speaker is perhaps contemplating the sum total of her current life as being the simple (and worthless ...!!?) act of breathing ... certainly she seems pretty gloomy...as follows: “Cloud of doom” ..btw this line was just about verging on the cliche i thought .. may be worth altering it.. “Casts a shadow” ... also frequently used ..maybe just “shadows” “predominantly” wasn’t too sure about the use of this word here .. can you say what you were meaning? “Concrete space” .. suggests hard featureless life or home ..am i near..lol? “Tasteless air”.. Liked this ... again pretty despairing “Worthless trash” .. hmmm! In the last stanza i was a little confused by the apparent return to an inward breath .. not sure what you were dong there? Altogether though Maree an interesting piece ...this place is all about feedback and discussion so maybe you’d like to give a little explanation .. that is if no-one else gets to explain it to me first ..lol thanks Philip |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
LighthouseBob, Thanks for pointing that out, it makes sense to put it where you have suggested, I don't know why I didn't pick up on that, hmm nevermind  Thanks for reading and your reply -------- Jamie, true hon, everyone has their preferences and I quite like yours as well  umm yup and I will get round to that comma definatley. Thanks my friend for your reply and your input.-------- Gonzalo, thank you, glad you like it. now the mini winds, hmmm I've been thinking about that, I don't know what else to replace it with, but will think further. Thanks for reading I appreciate you taking the time .--------- Now MP, suitably perfumed hey? hmmm nice ok now to this post. When I thought about this poem MP, I was standing in my garage mid afternoon(ask K she knows what I'm like) having a cigarette. let me explain.... Air disturbed and my breath creates a spinning tunnel - here I disturbed the air by blowing out the smoke I inhale a whisper drawn, to emit a cloud of doom which casts a shadow within beams of light that journeys predominately unto this concrete space-- here I take another puff of my cigarette and I blow out a cloud of doom, (smoke) that casts a shadow within the light that is beaming (strongly)predominately onto the concrete....yes I'll replace "unto" with "onto" yes? upon sunlit rays I produce a pattern of tasteless air, and I, the taster of worthless trash, devote my time, my gaze to rotating mini winds and stormy vapour ok here...upon the rays I produce patterns of tasteless air, meaning the air around me, its not good, unhealthy contaminated by me smoking, and I, the taster of worthless trash ... a smoker devote(waste) my time and gaze to mini winds and stormy vapour, watching the smoke being blown out of my mouth. (Fun Hey ?? ) it seeps within, flowing along the rush of bloody rivers pumping furiously towards the region of attack - ok this... explains how it is driven into my veins and eventually will travel to my heart(region of attack) where it may one day cause an attack, a heart attack This is just about me having a cigarette and my thoughts as I'm having one,(before writing this poem)and how the smoke blown into the air, was amusing me. SICK! hey ? LOL This is basically about the worthless act of smoking... mind you, which I am still doing  Predominatley, meaning it was coming in strong MP (the beams) "cast a shadow" hmm can change it! I thought this poem was pretty obvious lol, but then I know what I was talking about. hehe. Any questions? please ask Thanks MP for your questions and your suggestions I look forward to your reply. *hugs* Thanks again all, for taking the time to read and reply I do appreciate it so |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
well how stupid can you get ..lol.. i must've been tired.. SMOKING ..yeah of course ...silly silly me ... hence heart attack etc etc later p |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
ABSOLUTELY ROLLING ON THE FLOOR....(hard to type while one is doing that, but hey I am managing...) yes SP - I have indeed seen Maree in heart attack preparation action... blissfully sitting on her Maroon car..blowing rings while I hassled the...yeah...out of her. So - one day M - I will be BACK to MAKE you stop! What can I say? I love this - everyone else has found all the little things that need mentioning and Sir P has given you the once over...tough to beat he is...lol. (Aak - did I just say that?) Love this: 'I inhale a whisper drawn, to emit a cloud of doom which casts a shadow within beams of light that journeys predominately unto this concrete space' FABulous dahling! And your unto - I think into is better, rather than onto. You also have an 'upon' - it doesn't quite fit with the contemporary tone hon...perhaps something a little more upbeat might be better. You know - if you wanted to avoid commas at all in that line 'my time, my gaze' etc you could simply have 'my time my gaze' That also creates a space - a pause, that fits the poem quite well I think. What ya reckon???? K |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi! your poem is interesting even if you're not sure what you mean exactly. like, since you explained it, it makes perfect sense (the smoking part i mean) but, really, i cant find much clues you mean smoking in the poem (i am kinda ditzy tho. so ya know  ) maybe, if you did something with the title, or stuck in something about the cigarette itself, it might help us slower folk to undedrstand ya nice work though luv Elyse |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Maree (may I call you Maree? ... I guess I already did ... silly question): Before I read the others' comments I want to say that you really ought to quit smoking ... those things'll kill you. I just wanted to write that before I find out how Philip made a fool out of himself (he said so in one of my posts). *Jim reads the responses* LOL. Philip, Philip, Philip ... I KNOW they have cigarettes in GB! I am truly disappointed! Anyway, to the poem: I enjoyed the poem and think the rhythmic anapestic/iambic meter kept the poem moving. I think you ought to go for the natural pause of a comma rather than inserting "and" into your first line. "Air disturbed, my breath creates a spinning tunnel" The "and" tripped the rhythm of the first line for me a little bit ... but I trip over lots of things so this could be "all me". "I inhale a whisper drawn, to emit a cloud of doom which casts a shadow within beams of light that journeys predominately unto this concrete space" I enjoyed this stanza (rhythm and imagery). The longer you hang around here, the sooner you will learn how little things jump out at me. Your use of "which" and "that" so close together is a little distracting. I think that "and" works in the place of "that" since you are describing the actions of the "cloud of doom" with both with the shadows it "casts" and with the journeys it makes. Hate to be so petty but you are not leaving me with much. Also, watch your comma placement (I think it ought to be after "whisper", not "drawn").I liked the third stanza but hated the placement of your parenthetical "the taster of trash" and your repetition of "I". Sorry. I would recommend: "upon sunlit rays I, the taster of worthless trash, produce a pattern of tasteless air, and devote my time, my gaze, to rotating mini winds and stormy vapour" Then you write: "it seeps within, flowing along the rush of bloody rivers pumping furiously towards the region of attack" I liked the ending but not as much as I think I could have. "...towards the region of attack" seemed to be an abrupt ending to this poem (and perhaps it was intended to be abrupt). I think you can expand on the "attack" idea, perhaps incorporating the other "regions" this "stormy vapor" attacks. I don't think I've commented on one of your poems before but I can say that I don't regret taking the time to read your poem. Welcome to CA. I enjoyed the poem. Jim |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
MP, hehehe Did you not only have a few hours sleep? Well that is your excuse and I'M sticking to it BTW, I love this place! ---------- Little Kiwi... thats what "LK" stands for, doesn't it? hehe "hassled" the "yeah" out of me is putting it mildly, you did more than that hon LOL Well dear, thank you for your read, your input and suggestions I will certainly get around to putting it all together. I agree with the use of "into" in place of unto, thank you. and upon, yep, definatley have to replace that. Thanks SB ---------------- Elyse, Hi, thanks for your reply Ummm , I don't understand how there aren't any clues, I think there are quite a few..... such as .... well these I would think would be obvious... 1)cloud of doom 2)a pattern of tasteless air 3)the taster of worthless trash, there are others, probably not so obvious..but those I have listed I believe to be fairly obvious. BUT, I will in the ,try for a more obvious title Thanks for taking the time to read Elyse I do appreciate your comments. ---------- Jim you may call me Maree.Umm quit smoking....yeah have tried that once before, and I will most certainly try it again one day Just don't know when. Ok, I have heard "anapestic/iambic" before, but don't quite know what you mean Jim, would you mind explaining it to me, I would really like to Understand. I think you ought to go for the natural pause of a comma rather than inserting "and" into your first line........ Yes I agree reading without the "and" reads more smoothly. yes my use of "which" and "that" in the second stanza, beleive it or not I jumbled that around full knowing that I was going to place them both incorrectly which ever way I put it.... I like your suggestion of "and" to replace "that" watch your comma placement (I think it ought to be after "whisper", not "drawn").... now this... The reason I place the comma after drawn(now I may still be incorrect here) was to relate it to the whisper, that it was strained. Like I said I do not know if I am correct there, but drawn was not used to describe me taking a puff of the cigarette. What do you think Jim? I loved the way you arranged the third Stanza, I shall leave it as you have put it Oh if thats ok of course. OK "region of attack" was meant to be abrupt as you have guessed... though I agree that I can expand on it, so I will try too Jim no you havent commented on my poems before, and I do appreciate you doing so Glad you liked it overall well I will get back to you with the new arrangement Thank you. Maree |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Maree: "Anapestic" and "iambic" are words that describe the arrangement of accented syllables in a line. The combination of accented feet (a foot is a grouping of two or three accented syllables) gives the poem its rhythm or meter. Two of your lines: "I inhale a whisper drawn, to emit a cloud of doom" If I represent your accented syllables with capital letters and you unstressed syllables with lower case and break them down into their "feet", this is what you get: I / in-HALE / a WHISP- / -er DRAWN, to e-MIT / a CLOUD / of DOOM The feet (the syllables in between the slashes) are either iambic (da-DUM) or anapestic (da-da-DUM). Ya still awake? Why is this stuff important? Different metrical arrangements, choices of hard or soft continents, long or short vowels contributes to a poem's sound, tone, and pace. And that's my short answer. Sorry you asked? Feel free to ask me any questions you like. If I don't know the answer, I'll try to find out what it is (or just ask Brad). Later. Jim |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
OK, Firstly, Thank you Jim, MP, SB, LHB,Jamie, Gonzalo and Elyse for taking the time to read this, Secondly, for your corrections and suggestion. What do you think? ..... Exhale (revised) Air disturbed, my breath creates a spinning tunnel I inhale a whisper drawn, to emit a cloud of doom which casts shadows within beams of light and journeys predominately into this concrete space blanketing sunlit rays I, the taster of worthless trash, produce a pattern of tasteless air, and devote 'my time my gaze' to rotating mini winds and stormy vapour it seeps within, coiling through the bloodied rush inflaming furiously seeking infiltration to attack Dark Angel Again thank you all Peace! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Maree: I like many of your revisions. I think I liked the original phrasing of the last stanza better than that of the revision, but I think this is only a matter of personal preference. I still think you ought to consider expanding the description of the attack. Perhaps a reference to the trail of pollution the vapour leaves behind before describing its seeping/infiltration into the "bloody river" and the riding the current of that "bloody river" toward the "place of attack". I think this might add some momentum to the end of the poem (you certainly build momentum with your "taster of worthless trash" line). Again, nice work on this poem. When can we expect the next one? Jim Jim |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
maree this is definitely better than the original .. but i have to agree with jim the last stanza isn't so good ... lol... SP PS I think i better retire ..lol [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 08-01-2000).] |
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