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Inspiration
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Inspiration |
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Doogle Junior Member
since 2000-02-19
Posts 11London |
I've posted two poems before and had some nice replies but my reason for posting in this forum is that I really do want you to pull the poem apart!Please do be honest and tell me what you really think!! More in depth comment about my other two posts would be much appreciated too. I'm only a recent member and I'm having loads of fun here and finding it very useful  Anyway here is my latest offering which is about wanting to write a poem but not knowing what to write about-I get this a lot-anyone have any tips on how to overcome this? Inside is the urge to write a poem But the subject just isn't there. The urge to rhyme, it haunts my mind Yet my mind is wholly bare. I have no religious subject That presently needs attention. To speak of God is quite a sod Without divine intervention. In love I am, at present, content And my poems concerning that matter Tend to be quite sad, you see, So of love I cannot natter. I fancied writing, perhaps, of death But I'm void of inspiration. No empathy, it seems to me, Makes a poem of inferior duration. But, just a minute, it seems to me That I've found my poems creation. It makes sense to me that my poem shall be 'Bout my lack of inspiration! [This message has been edited by Doogle (edited 07-15-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, you asked for it. This needs a lot of work because you seem to want it to be light hearted but you haven't even attempted that until the last line. It should be comic all the way through. Inside is the urge to write a poem But the subject just isn't there. The urge to rhyme, it haunts my mind Yet my mind is wholly bare. --You might want to rhyme but you also need to worry about the meter (it's almost there in this stanza) I have no religious subject That presently needs attention. To speak of God is quite a sod Without divine intervention. --this reads better but the sod sounds strained and the meter still reads slightly off to my ear. In love I am, at present, content --why do you try to sound like Yoda. Confused I am. And my poems concerning that matter Tend to be quite sad, you see, So of love I cannot natter. --natter? Are you British by chance? I fancied writing, perhaps, of death But I'm void of inspiration. No empathy, it seems to me, Makes a poem of inferior duration. --same structural problems mentioned above expand on each individual idea and show us why you can't right about it. Actually, what about writing a poem that talks about the writing problem but each time you actually write a good poem about each subject but then say something like 'but that won't do'. That would be pretty funny. But, just a minute, it seems to me That I've found my poems creation. It makes sense to me that my poem shall be 'Bout my lack of inspiration! Except for the structural problems mentioned above I like this ending but the rest of the piece doesn't move in this direction. Try to get a build up going. Brad |
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Doogle Junior Member
since 2000-02-19
Posts 11London |
Thank you Brad, very much appreciated. I will attempt to answer some of your points.... I see what you are saying about the comedy thing. I guess maybe thats coz I didn't set out to write a funny poem-the poem was a real experience and I was going mad trying to think of something to write about! In all honesty I don't see what you are saying about the meter, specifically in the first verse. I think maybe its a personal thing because in my head it sounds ok but maybe different people read it differently. I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this in more detail. I think your next points about sod, Yoda and natter are, as you suggest, a british thing. I can see how the words and expressions used might sound less fitting to non-british ears! Your suggestions about expanding on the poem are interesting. This must be about the only poem I have written that I haven't re-written several times! Actually I wrote this when I was about 17 and don't see it as a serious attempt at all which is probably why i never bothered doing anything else with it. I just though i would post something different to my last posts! My other posts were my sort of serious attempts and if you do ever get a chance to have a look i really would appreciate your comments on these. Thanks again for taking the time to comment on my post [This message has been edited by Doogle (edited 07-19-2000).] |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello Doogle I thought your poem was funny, not in a belly laughing sidesplitting way but more in a subtle light hearted way. The only stanza that seemed a little lacking was the third. Brad’s point about the meter is a good one, I stumbled a couple of times and I’m a Brit so something must be wrong somewhere. I was going to try and point out the trouble spots but I think you can find them yourself if you try to apply this line layout to all your stanzas. Inside is the urge To write a poem But the subject just isn't there. The urge to rhyme It haunts my mind Yet my mind is wholly bare. The problem seems to me to be the natural pause, (called a caesurae I think), that allows the first stanza to be laid out this way is missing in a couple of places. Those places also coincide with where I ‘stumbled’, changing the poem to fit my example line layout will hopefully smooth things out. You can then re-assemble the poem back to it’s original four line layout. Or why not, just to be different, think about leaving it in the six line form, I quite like it that way. Brad’s dislike of the Yoda line layout is, I believe, due to the punctuation (not my strong suit), the way you have it at present with the comma after ‘In love I am’ does make it sound rather like Yoda. The punctuation mark needs to fall between the ‘In love’ and the statement ‘I am’ so that it reads like this. In love I am at present content My punctuation isn’t the best but hopefully you get my drift. The above statements are only my opinion and are likely to be completely wrong, please disregard them at your own discretion. Thanks for the chance to read and reply Craig Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
ok, but you brought this on yourself...  i agree with brad about the meter. you're so close to having regular meter it sounds strange when it goes off. lemme give you a for instance. here is the syllable count of stanza one. 10 8 8 7 see? except for line one, you're around 8 syllables per line. also, the stressing is all over the place. you seem to be leaning towards iambs (in fact, line three IS perfect iambs) but you're off in lots of places. ok, general rule, you shouldnt use the same word so close in the same stanza, unless some formulaic thing demands it. see how you said "mind" so close together twice? usually not good. and here, you seem to contradict yourself - how can your mind be bare if its being haunted by urges? ok, this line bothers me To speak of God is quite a sod so, there seems to be a preposition out of place or somethin. "to speak of God" yeah, ok, that phrase is fine "God is quite a sod" yeah, ok, also fine. but theyre mooshed together so that something's missing. you could do "to say that god..." that might do better. In love I am, at present, content And my poems concerning that matter Tend to be quite sad, you see, So of love I cannot natter. too many commas in the first line. i would totally take out the one after "present" and maybe move the first one to after "love". also, youve got another contradiction, why would the poems be sad if you're content? and is natter a word??? you freaky brits No empathy, it seems to me, Makes a poem of inferior duration. ??huh?? how would empathy have any impact on the length of the poem? sorry i pulled the claws out on ya, but, you aked for it honey! here's a bandaid for your poem. luv Elyse |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Elyse I read the God line as saying something completely different, not that God was the sod but that the act of speaking about him was. I could be way off in my reading but that’s the impression I got. Perhaps Doogle could clear up the confusion. On the syllable/stress point I agree with the count but in the case of the first stanza I believe the caesurae (if that’s what it’s called) should be taken into account. If you take a look at the example where I broke the lines before the pause in lines one and three to create a six line verse, then do a recount you get 5/5/8/4/4/7. This layout has a pattern that seems fine to me, another syllable in the last line would be nice, though not necessary, as long as the following stanzas held rigidly to that format. There’s a word, I believe, for this form of poetry, it’s called syllabic, the rules are simple, you can have however many syllables in your line as you like, with whatever stress pattern you like providing all following stanzas conform to the same syllabic line count. There’s a poem that PDV has posted in Feelings that demonstrates how it works, and how it can be adapted better than I can explain it. One last thing, natter is a word, it’s common use by us Brits would be to describe chatting or talking incessantly, the Collins New English Dictionary defines it as – To nag; find fault with , to grumble. Anyway I’ve nattered enough  These are only my opinions and being an idiot they are likely to be very wrong, please feel free to ignore them. Craig Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
 Sometimes, writing poetry is like constipation... there is plenty in there but it just don't want to come out.1. Even out the syllables per line. 2. Use who instead of that in second stanza. 3. Redo the third stanza: a) The second line runs on into the third line without a pause. b) Maybe something like this will work? Presently, I'm content with love And love poems just don't matter. Hell, even Elyse's peach cobbler Won't make my love life fatter. 4. Writing "it seems to me" so close together just don't work for me. Just an opinion, Bob <>< |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
I Had Some Problems Posting This....[This message has been edited by Lighthousebob (edited 07-20-2000).] |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
[This message has been edited by Lighthousebob (edited 07-20-2000).] |
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