»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Goodbye, Vermont
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Goodbye, Vermont |
|
|
Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
I could really use some help cleaning this poem up a bit. It sounds to choppy to me, anyway to make it flow a little better? The last stanza, finding a suitable way to wrap it up, has been hard for me. Any suggestions? Thanks, Debbie The white village and church steeple fade away and swaying maples wave a last goodbye as the plane, rising with the morning sun, soars into the downy clouds and glides across the sky. It roars onward with a purpose, while my nose pressed against the glass and searching eyes, scan the Green Mountains above endless fields of bending grass. Lake Champlain, vast between its rocky banks glitters silvery blue, moving with the tide, flowing deep and mighty beyond the hills, to wind past miles of countryside. Oh Vermont! I will carry you with me as I venture shyly to unknown places, deep in the humid heart of the south wandering, lost among unfamiliar faces. I’ll dream of autumn, crisp and apple blossom sweet and the trees turning in the frigid air, bursting into glorious shades of red and gold, drifting to the earth, stripping branches bare. And joyfully tossing aside the heavy winter blanket to run barefoot through warm summer days, exploring the beauty of the Northeast Kingdom sailing along the islands and sparkling crystal bays Goodbye Vermont! I’ll hold you close to my sorrowful heart as I leave my home, so gentle and dear the essence of your spirit will always be with me, but my soul will forever live here. Debbie Carter |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Deborah L. Carter - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Doogle Junior Member
since 2000-02-19
Posts 11London |
I think this is a lovely poem with lots of potential. The sentiments are lovely and its very expressive. The only thing I would say is I think the lines are a bit too long and that makes it seem less rhythmic perhaps? |
||
|
Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello Debbie I felt this poem was good but a little wordy, take for instance the first line: ‘The white village and church steeple fade away’ You have a white village and a church steeple and want to show that they are fading away into the distance. If you break up the content of what you are trying to get across into individual parts you can reduce what you need to say and rely on the reader to fill in the bits. I better explain, if someone said to you ‘steeple’ what would you picture in your mind? Hopefully it’s a large tower attached to a church, it’s almost guaranteed that that’s what everyone will picture, so there is no need to mention the church at all, the reader will fill that in for you. The white village is a little harder, first you have to ask - is it important to mention that the village is white? If the answer is no then why include it? If the answer is yes, which I’m guessing it is, it has to stay but can be adapted to help the line flow. Instead of ‘white village’ you could use ‘village white’, both describe a village and it’s color. The last element is the fading away bit, the choice you have here is whether you want to give away the content of the following lines or not. Explanation! I hear you shout. It’s back to what the reader is going to picture in his/her mind, you’ve given the reader a village (white or not) and a steeple that they are going to attach a church to. If you tell them they fade away they are either going to picture them receding into the distance, which is what the next lines are going to confirm or fading from memory, which is part of the overall theme. As this is the first line it’s always better to pique the readers curiosity, try and force them into reading the next lines to find out what’s coming, a little like the cliff-hanging endings of most soap operas. If that sounds like a good idea try using a word that could mean what you’re trying to say but could also mean a whole lot of other things too. One example would be ‘slip’, the reader won’t know until he reads on whether you’re talking about the village and steeple slipping out of view or about some local ecclesiastical disaster! On the other hand if you don’t mind the reader guessing what’s coming you can still reduce ‘fade away’ to simply ‘fade’, following the example of church and steeple. Here are the possible first lines after applying the above: ‘The village and the steeple fade’ *I added the to steeple for meter, whatever that is!  ‘The village white and steeple fade’ ‘The village white and steeple slip’ Hopefully you understand what I’m rambling on about, going any further would serve little purpose apart from changing your poem into my version of your poem but if you need any clarification let me know. It goes without saying that the above are simply my opinions and are probably therefore wrong, please feel free to ignore them at your discretion. Thanks for the chance to read and reply. Craig (Any chance of a prize for the longest post on a single line Brad?) Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
||
|
Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Hi Doogle, I agree the lines need more rhythm! Intially I started this as a ballad. I’ve never written one before but I could see that it wasn’t really going in that direction after awhile! The rhyming really threw me off and kind of limited my choice of words! Thanks for your reply! Hi Brad, at first I thought it was important to mention both "church steeple" and "white village" but you are right, less words will speak for themselves. Most people are probably aware that villages in New England are white! I like the line the "village white and steeple slip" I think I will try rewriting this poem, maybe even forget the rhyme and work on rhythm! Thanks so much for your help! Debbie |
||
|
Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, You said: ‘Hi Brad, at first I thought it was important to mention both "church steeple" and "white village" but you are right, less words will speak for themselves. Most people are probably aware that villages in New England are white!’ HI BRAD!! Where did he come from? This is perhaps the first time I’ve ever made any sense while posting on this site and Brad gets the credit!! Just for that you’ll have to pay by letting me ruin the whole of your first stanza. The village white and steeple slip Swayed maples wave a last goodbye My flight that rises with the sun Sighs farewell clouds across the sky Craig C-R-A-I-G Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
||
|
Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Craig,Craig,Craig, Please forgive me for my rudeness! I should never speak to people shortly after waking since I'm usually only running on half my mind! Your advice was very helpful and you deserve all the credit! As for ruining the first stanza, thank you, it sounds so much better! Feel free to wreck anything I post in this forum in the future! Debbie |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
