short and sweet but i tried

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Critical Analysis #1

short and sweet but i tried

SunShine913

Member

since 2001-08-19

Posts 211
Italy but from NC

0 posted 2001-08-20 02:21 PM

I cover my ears
and close my eyes
the world stops
and yet
time flies

*You only live once, so live it to the fullest and have fun!

*gurls are sweet, Gurls are nice, but im the gurl with whip cream and ice

I hope y

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2001-08-20 10:29 PM

Cute little poem, but I would change a couple of things.

First...eliminate the "ands", and replace "the world stops" (which it doesn't, essentially), with "my world stops". It would then read something like this:

I cover my ears
close my eyes
my world stops
yet
time flies

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

2 posted 2001-08-28 11:12 PM

indeed, life goes on whether we like it or not...

this gave me a smile

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

3 posted 2001-08-29 12:00 PM

I like short poems.
Yes, time flies, but I'm glad the world doesn't really stop.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-08-29 02:40 PM

I'm in accord with warmhrt, except I don't think you should change it to "my world stops." It seems less all-encompassing that way.
Nice write though. Kudos.
~Allan

People call me a madman, but I am not mad at anyone.

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

5 posted 2001-08-30 08:42 PM

Me, I'd probably go this route:

I cover my ears,
close my eyes...
the world stops;
yet time flies.

walk easy...

jwesley

[This message has been edited by jwesley (edited 08-30-2001).]

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