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my thoughts without you
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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my thoughts without you |
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jezz_micah New Member
since 2000-06-30
Posts 8 |
my life slowing down soon to come to a hault but why do i frown, when it's not my fault. i've really tried hard the lord knows i've done my best but i slip down as far as to lay my soul to rest. now whom do i turn to when i've fallen off course i know what i need to do but things just seem to get worse. i feel so hurt, so unwanted and as lonely as ever even the sun is being taunted by this dark, gloomy weather. the only thing worth my while is the smile gently resting upon your face for that, i would walk a hundred miles and without a second to waist. |
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| © Copyright 2000 jezz_micah - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
besides a few important spelling errors, i think that this poem is a good start. by that i mean, you might want to reread it and make sure that you convey the images and emotions that you want to convey. sometimes when you use the four-lined stanzas with the abab rhyme scheme, a little bit of the emotion is lost in the rhyming. longer lines and a subtler rhyme scheme would help to dull this effect. another thing that i would suggest is to really delve into the relationship you have with this person and what they make you feel. more of that should come through. |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi jezz i agree with roxane, it would convey your message better if you expanded on what your saying. "and without a second to waist." I think you mean the word "waste" in this line.  debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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