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When I Fell (Sonnetous revision LOL)
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When I Fell (Sonnetous revision LOL) |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap 
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'Twas never an extraordinary day -- No storm besmirched the heavens' lofty arc -- No lightning-breath along the arms did play, Nor thunder crash though grim and cloudy dark. The sun no higher in her flight did climb, And skies were blue, but not unduly so; They held no hue of crystalline sublime To catch the breath, and shape it into "oh..." But still, my heartbeat rained tempestuous, While spirit breathed the gentle peace of dawn; 'Twas strange, I thought, to find them mingled thus, And yet, no greater the phenomenon Than when our gazes locked, and when I knew, And smiling, fell -- and lost myself to you. YOUR LIFE IS A TEST It is only a test ... If this were your Actual Life, you would have been given better instructions! |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
ok .. despite the besmirchment of my name ...(kiddin' pete  ) and my over saturation with the sonnet genre and indeed my previously expressed opinion .. i have to say i quite liked it..!!!hardly surprising - you are the mistress of iambic pentameter (in fact of all regular meter as far as i can see) although this has a few of Jim's "acceptable variations" i think ...no? ......"and yet....." ~smile~ I still preferred the first .... less tidy ..less predictable ... as all new love affairs should be ~grin~ ..... P (P = philip btw .... )PS shouldn't it be "sonnetatious revision" ? [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 07-07-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Like I said before, if anyone could do it you would be the one. I know you wrote this one on a challenge and you have done an outstanding job, m'lady. I too love a well written sonnet and can really find nothing to fault here. But you did post in CA so here is my best effort. As Philip says, you have a couple of Jim's "accepted variations" which tend to add to the ease of reading. (We probably should let up on Jim about those things though.) The only slight awkwardness I find, and it truly is slight, is in line 12, "And yet, no greater the phenomenon" As hard as I try, I can't read it without stressing "the" just a little. This, of course, was not your intent but the meter seems to demand it. I don't suggest you change it, however, as it really is a small problem. That is, unless you can substitute a slightly stronger word. Your rhyme scheme is perfect, but we expect you to do that. I really liked some of the words though. I don't know that I have ever seen some of them rhymed as you have. For example, arc, sublime, tempestuous, phenomenon, WOW! I think my favorite line is To catch the breath, and shape it into "oh..." The surprise in the unusual use of "oh", particularly as an end rhyme really caught my eye  Ok, now as much as I enjoy a sonnet, this one certainly included, I once again have to agree with Philip, I still preferred the original (at least I think I do, but that may change ).Thanks for the read, Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Oh, come on guys listen to this and tell me it's not better. This is a wonderful if not perfect poem. Read it aloud and tell me I'm wrong. 'Twas never an extraordinary day -- No storm besmirched the heavens' lofty arc -- No lightning-breath along the arms did play, Nor thunder crash though grim and cloudy dark. The sun no higher in her flight did climb, --nice touch And skies were blue, but not unduly so; --see the tempo change here? They held no hue of crystalline sublime --a little much but I'm still reading. To catch the breath, and shape it into "oh..." --my god, I actually the 'oh' But still, my heartbeat rained tempestuous, While spirit breathed the gentle peace of dawn; 'Twas strange, I thought, to find them mingled thus, And yet, no greater the phenomenon Than when our gazes locked, and when I knew, And smiling, fell -- and lost myself to you. --Is the ending not perfect for a sonnet or no? I'm right guys. I called it. Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
brad you are tooo funny ....lol "--my god, I actually the 'oh'" couldn't quite bring yourself to say the "LIKE" ...heh heh "--Is the ending not perfect for a sonnet or no?" hey ... what the heck is wrong with you? .. 6 months back YOU were the one railing against sonnets !! now look at you going all soft and mushy ... yuck...painful to behold - the feared ogre of CA brought low by the words of fair Kess .. omg ...ohhhhhh for the old days .. yup the ending IS pretty perfect .. but still i like t'other better ... so there ..  ~grin~P |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You know, I worry about growing soft but really I don't think I've changed so much as people see a little better what I'm doing. I don't recall ever saying a comment in the early days that at least said something like, "If that's what you're trying for, I like it." It's just that I would sometimes start off on an abstract idea of poetry -- a poem that's too general means nothing -- and somebody would read it as his or her poem meant nothing. I've learned, I hope, to quell that mistake. I'm still just as critical as ever, I think, I hope -- please, I don't mean to offend you if I'm not, I'll try to change, really, I will -- Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
ohhhhh my my brad ..i have touched a raw nerve ..lol .. yeah well it comes to us all with age y'know ~smile~ .. hugs, cuddles and luv .. philip .. be reassured .. lol.. you are just as effective as ever .. better in fact i think! |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Really cool write. Makes me feel as if I've been walking around in the dark with a hammer. The way the words are used here, the finesse. Kind-a like walking on water. I gotta try my hand at this some time.. sometime. YeshuJah*) |
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eterniT98 New Member
since 2000-07-09
Posts 3 |
Very nice. Tonya |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well Brad, I think you missed our point here. I certainly did not say, and I don't believe Philip either, that this is not an excellent poem. Quite to the contrary, it is a wonderful sonnet, IMHO. I wish I had written it. But the original version was also a wonderful poem and I wish I had written it too Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kess: This is a beautiful poem. I don't think it lost any part of the impact of the first poem. It is certainly a very solid sonnet ... rhyme scheme and meter in place (and, Philip, they are not "Jim's acceptable variations" ... simply a widely accepted practice). quote: I think you've done an excellent job of developing your theme to this point. I am not a great fan of "besmirched" (it is such a clumsy word). I personally think it besmirches the line. The meaning, however, fits perfectly into the theme of your poem.quote: I think Brad liked this poem so much because he knows first-hand the experiences you describe. It speaks to me in the same way and, try as I might ( ), I cannot find anything I don't like about the sestet.Great work, Kess. I look forward to seeing more of your stuff in here. Jim |
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