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Critical Analysis #1
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brian madden
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland

0 posted 2000-07-04 05:43 PM


It affords me little joy here.
Shrivelling my swollen mass
to a tiny creature outweighed
by atmosphere, I can't see any part of me.
My hands close upon the warmest strand
the instinct of a child to feed plays out
among this dull insanity.  Tethers constrain
my senseless need for flight,
these arms too brittle to propel
let alone hope to soar. The ground below
moves at vast speed Only I am still,
turn for a blank wall. Lose myself in its accord.

I could scale out of my jar; I don't need the stale
pin hole for existence, draw my last feeble breath.
Everything is in distorted buoyancy, only I am
anchored in zero gravity.  I hang from glass
I was born somewhere on its palliate tissue.
Broken skin seems like its been raining parts
of me for weeks on end. Pollinate the voids with
my limbs, arms flap like wings gripping legs
and spinning in antiseptic dizziness. The head
is always the last to crack open. I am not afraid
no longer scared of what may be, the future
can rush upon me in relentless loco commotion.

I will forever spin from one circumference,
fallopian bound I may never venture beyond me.        



A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

© Copyright 2000 brian madden - All Rights Reserved
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

1 posted 2000-07-05 03:05 PM


oh ouch...*reaching for tylenol*  
well, me thinks the walls were closing in
when ya wrote this one Bri ...
my goodness...I was gasping for air with you as you seem to be smothering in your skin in this one...

"fallopian bound I may never venture beyond me."

damn...what an image that is...
what a line that is...
my muse may never come back...
you went deep for this one...
and its dark down there...
in a intriging, cryptic, way.
I'm interested to know your point of inspiration behind this purging.
well, Im done now
you know me...I read, I worship, I question..
but I dont critique...
I'll leave that for the masters.
later-gator
jm
        

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2000-07-09 02:03 AM


I don't get it. I think you could clean up the punctuation to get a clear idea of what's going on here:

Three ideas:

1. a baloon
2. an infant in the womb
3. a test tube baby

But none of these seem to quite work for me because there just seems to be some logical inconsistencies going on here. I usually like this kind of poetry but I think it might have to be rewritten (if I'm even close that is).

Help!!!

Brad

deb
Junior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 44
Reading, Pa., USA
3 posted 2000-07-27 10:27 PM


Good use of scientific metaphors for one's painful existance. I do have to agree, though, that the punctuation may need to be re-worked. Otherwise, I follow your thoughts.

deb

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

4 posted 2000-07-28 09:26 AM


I agree - there seems to be a mix of ideas here...to add to Brad's three, I get the impression of an insect trapped in a jar...
several lines suggest this to me, I am sure you know which they are!

To me, this interpretation seems relatively dominant, and I suppose that stems from subjectivity so I will have to work from that! So, if I'm 'wrong' and you never intended that...oh well!    

From this, I then get a sense of the insect actually being a metaphoric depiction of the speaker - and then from that, I feel like some of the lines pertain to a description of an actual person, moving away from the insect metaphor. These then intertwine to produce a general theme of helplessness...

To me, this poem has awesome potential...it needs to be tightened a little.

There are some obvious punctuation problems...

'I could scale out of my jar;' I would recommend losing the semicolon here. While grammatically correct, it doesn't do anything for the poem.

Also: 'I could scale out of my jar; I don't need the stale
pin hole for existence, draw my last feeble breath.'
This comma is oddly placed...as draw does not link back to the 'I don't' after the jar...I would rethink this.    


'Lose myself in its accord.'

This incomplete sentence seems out of place tacked onto the end of the previous one...perhaps, in keeping with the rest of the poem, and the current use of punctuation you could make it complete, change the period to a comma or you could put it down a line.

Yet - to make it complete you would need to make it 'I lose...' and I already feel there are too many lines here beginning with the personal pronoun. The repetition is stagnating to the movement of the piece...there are a number of techniques you could employ to alleviate this...use link words, change the line structure etc.

Some specific lines:

'It affords me little joy here.
Shrivelling my swollen mass
to a tiny creature outweighed
by atmosphere, I can't see any part of me.

I really do like the start of this, Brian. The first line is excellent - it makes the reader think 'what?' and made me want to keep on reading...

'I was born somewhere on its palliate tissue.'

Excellent line...it is offhand, and helps to create the sense of confusion and helplessless; it pinpoints a feeling of 'nothingness'.

'spinning in antiseptic dizziness.'

I like 'antiseptic dizziness'...yet spinning I feel is cliched and detracts from what could be a brilliant image...

'The head is always the last to crack open.'
Good...short, to the point...

I would suggest making 'loco commotion' a compound word.

Also - 'upon'. Unfortunately words like 'upon', 'thus', 'unto', 'thine' and 'whilst' are all too commonly inserted into works of freeverse today. They are old hat. LOL...truly, the language of your poem is of such a modern bent that 'upon' sits there uneasily.

'I will forever spin from one circumference'

This line I like with one exception - 'forever' - it adds a touch of the melodramatic and Romantic. Just having 'spin 'on its own is sharp and to the point...elements that would serve your last two lines well.

I like this Brian...great ideas here.

      K









[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 07-28-2000).]

brian madden
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland
5 posted 2000-07-28 03:53 PM


Thanks to everyone for their comments I found them really helpful and used them in rewriting the poem. I would appreciate any further comments on the latest version. Thanks in advance.


--------------------------------
edited version


Little Joy

It affords me little joy here.
Shrivelling my swollen mass
to a tiny creature outweighed
by atmosphere, I can't see any part of me.
My hands close upon the warmest strand
the instinct of a child to feed plays out
among this dull insanity. Tethers constrain
my senseless need for flight,
these arms too brittle to propel
let alone hope to soar.
The ground below moves at vast speed.
Only I am stationary, lost in its accord.

I could scale out of this jar,
its stale pin hole existence.
Everything is in distorted buoyancy,
only I am anchored in zero gravity,  
hanging from glass and born
somewhere on its palliate tissue.
Broken skin seems like its been raining
parts of me for weeks on end.
Sterilise the voids with limbs,
arms flap like wings gripping legs
and spinning in antiseptic faintness.
The head is always the last to crack open.
I am not afraid no longer scared of what may be,
the future can rush upon me in relentless lococommotion.

I will spin from one circumference,
fallopian bound I may never venture beyond me.



"A frog, it cannot comprehend the sea Nor me happiness" Paul Draper-Mansun

Tim Gouldthorp
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170

6 posted 2000-07-29 12:49 PM


Brian,

I think the revised version makes the strong imagery more 'coiled.'  Good poem.
-Tim

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