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Moments In Time
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Moments In Time |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
He laughs as she runs, screaming, from the frog gripped in his hands And chases after her across the schoolyard Until she lets him catch up to her... I want to be loved like that. With trembling fingers he pins the flowers to her dress Then grins at her fathers frown as he snaps a picture And a blush stains her cheeks a delicate pink... I want to be loved like that. He clears his throat as he places the ring on her finger And swears his undying love in front of his friends As tears run down her cheeks for the faith he is expressing... I want to be love like that. His heart races and his hands tremble The first time he holds his newborn son And she gazes tenderly at him through pain weary eyes... I want to be loved like that. He comes home, exhausted, worn Too many heartaches, too many cares And she kisses the fears away... I want to be loved like that. He tenderly brushes silvered hair from her face And places a kiss on her upturned lips She smiles and gently squeezes age worn hands... I want to be loved like that. He gently places one last rose on winter hard ground And stumbles from this empty place As she watches from heavens gate...waiting... I want to be loved like that. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Paula Finn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Yes.. you warmed my heart. Your use of repetition here is timely. I think we all long to be loved like that. Beautifully written. |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
thank you this is my favorite and yet no one seems to want to read it |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, you have a few problems with punctuation -- the lack of apostrophes bothered me and one typo on love(d) in the refrain. But those aren't big problems. I hesitate to go further because I'm not sure you want a critical view of this poem. I will say that, well, um, er, I just didn't like it that much. It may just be me, of course, and it's only one opinion. Is there anyway you can put tension into this piece? Love is hard and I've never been a big fan in making it seem otherwise. Your snapshot approach just had me screaming to read between those photographs and get into the day to day tedium of how life is really lived. I'm not saying that these moments aren't possible (they are); I'm just saying they're one sided. As I've said to a few others, you've got to complexify it to make it more interesting to the reader. Although you move through a whole life, I don't see any movement or development of those images; they are static. I want dynamic. How about portraying the speaker more clearly? I mean, keep the images but show us why the speaker yearns for these pictures. What is it about her life that makes the pictures seem so romantic? I don't think you have to go to extremes but maybe contrast these images with others of a humdrum, tedious everyday life -- show why the speaker prefers a life of separate moments to a life of change, development, and complexity? Sorry I didn't like this one. Maybe the next one? Brad |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
Brad, I have more in open poetry 8 and in dark passions maybe one of those you might like better...to me this is just a passage in time or as the title suggeest moments |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I liked each of you individual snapshots and thought they were well written. You did cover a great deal of time in a few words. If you will read some of Brad's writing, I think you will understand what he is looking for. He tends to give a lot of detail and development, whereas you have done neither here. Now, I'm not saying either approach is a bad thing. In my opinion, you couldn't go into much detail or further development in a poem covering this much time, without making it too long. What you might consider is taking each of your snapshots individually and developing them into seperate poems. That allows you much more room for development. And it should make a quite interesting set. Thanks, Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Paula: Although it scares me to say so, I agree with Brad's points (I also agree with what Pete mentioned ... that still scares me but not as much).  Besides the punctuation problems, I think you are relying too much on the readers adding the colors of their own experiences to the images you selected to describe. It also seems to idealize love and, as Brad mentioned, love takes work and the expression of love often lacks an audience. I like the idea, by the way, but I think the poem would benefit from giving us a closer look at the lives of the people in the pictures and also would benefit from a smoother transition from picture to picture. Just an opinion. Jim |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
Jim, How can I take you farther into the lives of these two people with out making the poem cumbersome? And as far as puntuation...I know I know its always been a problem for me...I just forget. Pete, I had never considered individual pieces. I cant say I ever set out to write a poem with a specific idea in mind.I usually just set pen to paper and the words just flow |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Paula I very much enjoyed this read and being a punctuation idiot myself am glad you share and defend our poet licence to be ourselves, though between bob, elyse and spellcheck can at least read my own poems. Will check your other poems our'; well. done, fOrrest |
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Rex Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 482Houston, Texas |
Paula...What you are attempting to portray is an entire sequence of events depicting the stages of sincere love throughout life. This can apply to all people who desire the sweetness and final tragedy of all true love. Why not change the title to "I want to be loved like that" or something which depicts exactly what you are trying to say. Then, shorten the stanzas to from four to six lines each. For example: Here is a poem I wrote a long time ago to depict the passage of time. Time Dawn follows night In mute parade... Months into years Are slowly made. Once Hope marched And banners flew, When life was young And love was new... Ere Sorrow changed The music's surge From triumph To solemn dirge. Now with spent Belabored breath Time plods past In search of Death. Rex E. Alford c. 1999 You have the right idea and an emotional point to make, you just need to work on refining how you want to say it. Best of luck. Regards, Rex Life be not God's greatest gift. Of what worth be life without the capability to love? |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Paula, I enjoyed your poem. I didn't think it was in anyway lacking. Simplicity is often what makes a poem, story or even a song great. Why? because everyone can understand it. If you write poetry so that only Einsteins can interpret it you may please 1 out of 10000 people. But to convey the desire to experience a life commitment between 2 people the way you did was very nice. I hope you don't mind I changed the part that says "I want to be loved like that" to "I love you like that" and I got lucky with my wife. Good job |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
Rex...how do I change what I feel is finished? I appreciate your help and I know I have lots to learn, but how do I know when its finished? Eldridge...everyone feels different things abt different poems. Im glad you like mine, and I'm happy your wife liked it too. |
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Rex Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 482Houston, Texas |
Paula...its finished when you are happy with what you have done. No one else can decide when you are happy! Life be not God's greatest gift. Of what worth be life without the capability to love? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Just wanted to jump in here: Rex is right. A lot of people think that this forum is about telling people what's right or wrong with a poem because we 'know' what we're doing. We don't. We offer ideas, opinions, suggestions that the writer can heed or not heed depending on his or her feeling. We offer ideas on how to write different poems or we talk about poetry (a big topic) but nobody, really, can tell you how to write. That's up to you.  Brad |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Paula I could be wrong on this, but I wouldn't take what anyone says as a personal attack but as an honest review with good advice and keep in mind everyone has different standards of perceiving a poem and based on that and their knowledge topped with experience they give you their best interpretation and advice to go along with it...in my opinion that's what CA is all about and you definitely got the attention of some of the best in here  I liked your poem...I can't comment on the do's and don'ts of writing...I'm still learing myself but I can on content and subject... I liked the way you joined the need to be loved with the most important points in a person's life that portray that emotion. If we could all be loved like that our lives would be complete...emotionally at least. Aim for the moon. If you miss, you'll live amongst the stars Never underestimate the Power of Purpose. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the 'Present' unkn |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
Rex...but dont some pieces just ache for that one last word? I know I am the only one who can say if I am happy with what i wrote but thats why I posted this here...to have some imput. Thanks Brad...too you also, but there again by posting here I am asking for your opinions |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
mysticharm...I do not take any of this as an attack. Everyone has opinions and feelings about a poem, and thats what I was looking for. |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Paula, I think that this is beautifully expressed, yes, it is simple, but, sometimes love isn't always complicated, it can just simply exist in a pure simple form. I have read very deep, intense and complex love poems before and understood them fully, but that doesn't necesarily mean that they are the best ever written. Brad and jbouder have made good points, but, I do feel that they are being too overly critical, your poem doesn't have to go into depth or portray love as a strong whirlwind of emotions, love can be both, simple and complex. Brad would like your poem to be more dynamic, suggesting that you "complexify it to make it more interesting to the reader," I think that it already is, because the images you portray are simple joys in life that everyone longs to live through, it doesn't necessarily have to be super complex to overstimulate the mind of the reader. Although, I must admit, Brad has made a strong point about the feelings that come with a deep love. But, I also feel that you don't have to write a Shakesperian love sonnet to be dynamic. Like I said, love is many emotions to different people. Obviously Brad likes to be in love intensely and hard. Other people, however, like simplistic love. To each his own. Love isn't always hard. Everyone has made great comments so far, but, these are just my humble opinions Take care, Melissa Honeybee The beauty of poetry gives me wings to fly |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Paula: You asked: "[Jim] How can I take you farther into the lives of these two people with out making the poem cumbersome?" You are not going to like the answer. There are two ideas I would like to throw your way: (1) a long poem is not necessarily cumbersome and (2) and concisely written poem can say quite a bit with relatively few words. It is challenging to keep a long poem moving and it is challenging to make a short poem move someone but neither is impossible. With practice, discipline, reading, continued writing and study we better ourselves. I am not a great poet. I do not have all the answers. I am constantly revising my poems and I can't say that I have ever written a poem that I considered to be "finished". All I can offer you are my opinions. Brad is right ... you are free to open your mind to some opinions and reject others. None of us can tell you how to write. I look forward to reading more of you posts. Paula. Later. Jim |
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Rex Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 482Houston, Texas |
Paula...sorry for the delay but other things were going on. "Doesn't it just ache for the last word? As I said before, you must decide when a work is finished. You must answer a basic question to yourself first...why do you write poetry? Do you write just for the self gratification you get upon completion? Are you writing poetry for an audience? If so, what kind of audience are you trying to attract? Are you writing to ease emotional burdens? If you are writing for an audience you must find it first, or tailor your writing to one that already exists. For example: I do not enjoy "free verse", I much prefer rhyme and meter. I think prose is fine, but I prefer poetic prose. As another example, the prose "I came, I saw, I conquered" is much more poetic to me than: "I got here, I looked, I took" Please don't misunderstand, I am not demeaning your poetry, I am just trying to answer your question as well as I am able. Unless you are writing for a specific audience, the final word is always yours. Best Regards, Rex Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings: it takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquility. -William Wordsworth- |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I guess it's my turn again. Unfortunately, we have no real experts here. If we did, then we could all learn very quickly to be much better than we are. What we do have is several quite talented and experienced writers whose opinions I value greatly. That is not to say that I blindly accept everything one of them says, but I do evaluate each suggestion I receive (even those I'm not particularly fond of) from my own perspective. I believe that, even if I knew as much as our better writers, I would still be able to vastly improve my own skills by this method. Now, on the question of how to know when a poem is finished, I recently read somewhere that a poem is never really finished until the poet is safely and permanently six feet under ground. I'll try to find where that quote came from a report back Pete |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
This is such a beautiful and accomplished poem it goes beyond words. |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
Rex and Pete...thanks for your input and for your insight... Allan...thank you |
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