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Delights of the Heart
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Delights of the Heart |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada 
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Delights of the Heart The snow is falling from heaven, like a multitude of tiny angels. Freshly fallen, it glistens in the moonlight, the flakes frolicking to and fro, on the soft kisses of the northwind. In the distance, there is a faint glimmer of light, warm and comforting, beckoning to me. I'm drawn to it's captivating glow, like a moth to a flame, inviting me to venture closer. In the solitude and silence of the night, I take solace in the presence of the moon. It's soft luminescent light, silently guides my way, through a white blanket of snow. Only yesterday, this same path, seemed faded and old, tired with age. Much like a painter's canvas, waiting for the artist to breathe life, into the silhouette's that lie before him. Now it was alive with the brillance of fresh snow, frosted icicles transformed trees into grand chandeliers. Moonbeams sparkled like silver on each tiny flake, as they slowly floated from the heavens, and lay before me, cushioning each step. The glimmer of light was now a radiant glow, echoes of distant laughter now filled the silence. My pace quickens with anticipation and excitement, nothing could make this night more perfect, then sharing its splendors with loving friends. Never underestimate the Power of Purpose. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the 'Present' unkn |
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| © Copyright 2000 Debbie McLellan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
mysticharm: Snowflakes, angels, heaven, moonlight, and moths to a flame. My one question of you is why you, being someone who has a good vocabulary and can craft a fine sentence, insist on using such common (and sometimes cliched) images. You have a good theme. My one suggestion is that you write what you feel in your own words. Metaphors are fine but sometimes I think we all fall into the trap of writing "poetically" ... that is, in a way that most people today perceive as being "poetic". I have a feeling that your own words would capture the sincerity of your sentiment much better than the common or cliched images and metaphors you selected. Just an opinion. Jim |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
I read this poem and enjoyed the softness and relaxed mood. I'm to much of a novice to be distacted by cliches at this point. I liked the crafting and flow ,but would look to the more knowledgeable poets for fine tuning. Still you can enjoy a thing without knowing why. Your friend forrest |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi charm, When I first read this one I knew it was enjoyable but there was something not quite right, but I knew not what. After reading Jim's response, I think I now understand. I believe he expressed exactly what I couldn't at the time. You presented an enjoyable theme and your writing was mechanically good but we have seen these same metaphors or images used too many times before. Hmmm, now it sounds like I'm just rewording Jim's comments. Anyway, I think that's my opinion, or maybe he made me subconsciously say all that. Oh well, sorry to ramble on so, must be too early in the morning. I need more coffee. Thanks, Pete |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi jbouder I do agree with you...it's one of my problems I have been attempting to overcome, unsuccessfully  ."being someone who has a good vocabulary and can craft a fine sentence, insist on using such common (and sometimes cliched) images." I appreciate your comment on my good vocabulary but as of yet I have not been able to separate what you refer to as cliched images, it's quite different in french, so I'm not sure if I understand the difference between using an adjective for descriptive purposes and a cliched image. I do welcome your suggestions  merci beaucoup debbie |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Forrest I am very much a novice and am here to learn where I make my mistakes. The word cliche confuses me, I admit, I've researched the word and what is called a cliche but I guess I still have not learned how to avoid using them, especially when I don't know I am I'm glad you enjoyed it just the same. friends always debbie |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Pete Don't aplogize for rambling lol, if your like me before having your morning coffee is when your most honest with your feelings. I know what you and Jim are saying and am glad you point these things out otherwise I will never move forward in my writings. thanks pete debbie |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi again Debbie, I'm sure you'll get lots more advice on the subject, but until that comes along, maybe I can help a little on cliches, as discussed here. Some phrases or ideas just seem so poetic that we automatically want to include them in a poem. The problem is that eveyrone else does too. The result is that they are overused to the point that they are completely predictable. The first really obvious example I see in your poem is line 9, "like a moth to a flame" Now this fits your context and seems perfectly appropriate, besides it really sounds poetic. The problem is, and you must ask yourself, "how many times have you seen that before?" And there you have the dreaded cliche. The rest of the poem is not so obvious, to me anyway. I don't really see it so much as cliches like discussed above but more as too many metaphoric references. When so many metaphors are used, they seem to not really belong. It's as if you were just trying to string metaphors together rather that tell a story. Take your first stanza, for example. "The snow is falling from heaven, like a multitude of tiny angels. Freshly fallen, it glistens in the moonlight, the flakes frolicking to and fro, on the soft kisses of the northwind." where I have underlined the metaphoric elements. So here in just 5 lines you have 3 different metaphors. When this technique is carried through the poem, it sort of becomes overbearing. We have some other folks around here who are much better at this sort of thing than I and I am sure you will get more specific and stronger advice soon. Meanwhile, I just happened to see your answers to Jim and Forrest and wanted to respond while the ideas were fresh. I hope this has helped some and I'm sure you will get lots more in a short time. Pete |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Pete thanks for taking the time to explain cliches and I do believe I have a somewhat understanding, just by what my daughter said while I was reading what you wrote, she said, "Mom, your face is as red as a tomato." 'red as a tomato' would be the cliche? Would this also be what jim referred to as a cliched image? Or are they different? It was just coincidence my face was red while reading what your wrote...it's very, very hot here today  Metaphors are somewhat more difficult. The snow is falling from heaven, like a (multitude of tiny angels.) Freshly fallen, it glistens in the moonlight, the flakes (frolicking to and fro,) on the (soft kisses of the northwind.) Is it my over use of descriptive adjectives to describe something? If so, then less would be better. I have a feeling I'm confusing myself somemore LOL. Let's try a rewrite on these lines and see if I have a handle on this or not. The freshly, fallen snow, glistens in the moonlight. Flakes twirl on the currents of the cool northwind. Am I at least close? The meaning of metaphor in webster's dictionary is not very explanatory. This is great, the kind of feedback I need and welcome. debbie |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi debbie! dont let us frighten you with our teminology.  to better explain metaphors for you...a methaphor is a comparison between two unlike things without the use of "like" or "as" ex. her face was a tomato a silmile is that same comparison, but with "like" or "as" ex. her was was as red as a tomato. or her face was red like a tomato the other thing pete underlined was personification (the frolicking one). personification is giving human qualities and/or abilities to inanimate objects. like, when you say "the snowflakes frolicked" that's personification because a snowflake cannnot actually frolick. that help? to offer something new about your poem... i think you present what you have well, even if you use cliches a bit. but, you might do better to pare away the descriptions unless you have some new way to phrase it or something new to say about it. instead, you could focus on the events you wish to tell, making it easier on the reader and highlighting your theme. hope i have helped, and not confused luv Elyse ps, was french your first language? i sorta got that impression. only wonderin though.  |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Elyse Yes, french is my mother tongue. I appreciation the definitions of metaphor, simile and personification, I am going to attempt to apply them to the poem to see if I really have an understanding of them. I've been looking at words as nouns, adjectives, adverbs or verbs so this will be quite a challenge but I enjoy learning. CA is great, it's very much like having unlimited teachers thank you again Elyse...I hope you will check back when I have finished my rewrite. debbie |
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