navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » One More Sad Poem..( is the rhythm ok?)
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic One More Sad Poem..( is the rhythm ok?) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven

0 posted 2000-06-27 03:28 AM



One More Sad Poem

Tonight I write; One more sad poem.

I could not keep my tortured mind from thoughts of you,
As I sit alone beneath yet another Easter moon.

So many chill spring nights like this were spent,
With you folded within my grateful arms.
On this night, how can I not write - One more sad poem.
                                        
There is no magic metaphor, not a single  simile
To convey the heaviness of my heart, how very lost I am-
Without your company.
                                    
The immensity of  my loneliness is challenged,                                        
  Only by the vast heavens above, even now taunting me.  
  So once again I write, one more sad poem.                                          
  
How very much I did love you, So much so that I still do.                                            
Someone else now holds you, beneath our Easter Moon.
                                          
Would that the wind could carry, and deliver to your heart,
The dreams this night has beheld, and witness fall apart.
With moist eyes uplifted I write,- One more sad poem.

One last sad poem                                              


Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil.
"Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely".



© Copyright 2000 Jamie Patterson - All Rights Reserved
jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
1 posted 2000-06-27 09:18 AM


hi prometheus--

i'm assuming from the way you've titled this you only want people to comment on the rhythm?  if so, that's ok, if not, that's ok, too, lol.  if you wanted comments on other aspects of the piece, you might drop a little note here in a reply.

but to answer your question, yeah, the rhythm seems fine.  

i might change the third line to read "As I sit alone beneath the Easter moon."  i just think that flows a little better, in my opinion.  

the fourth line might read better as "With you enfolded in my grateful arms," or, maybe even better, as simply "With you enfolded in my arms."

while i know it's not strictly a comment on rhythm, in line 16 i think you mean to say "witnessed" rather than "witness"?  anyway, i think the rhythm's still ok there even with "witnessed."  

punctuation has an effect on rhythm, of course.  to improve things just a bit, i might take out the comma after "spent" in line 4, the dash after "am" in line 8, the comma after "challenged" in line 10, and the comma after "carry" in line 15.  

other than that, the rhythm's pretty good here.  i especially liked line 14, "Someone else now holds you, beneath our Easter Moon", very nice.

have you posted this elsewhere, maybe in another forum?  at the passions main site maybe?  i swear i've read this before someplace, lol.

best wishes,

jenni

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
2 posted 2000-06-27 05:50 PM


jenni....it is also posted in another forum..
dark angel suggested I place it here if I wanted more feedback. Thanks for the critique.
Punctuation always gives me fits, I usually just give in and put them where I feel a pause.

Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil.
"Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely".



Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2000-07-25 06:00 PM


I am less enamored with the rhythm here than Jenni. However, I think it's a result of your line breaks more than anything else -- syllables count too. I was struck by the line:

There is no magic metaphor, not a single  simile

--I liked it but feel that you could expand on this idea. By that, I don't mean throw out a bunch of poetic terms but create some kind of twist where a metaphor or simile is extended throughout the poem so that this line creates an ironic effect.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » One More Sad Poem..( is the rhythm ok?)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary