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Critical Analysis #1
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not_so_warm
New Member
since 2000-06-25
Posts 5


0 posted 2000-06-26 11:13 AM


I think something's amiss,
a wheel not turning,
a frozen gear,
something...

Because I know they are in there,
those words I've longed to hear,
the words that are unable
to roll off your tongue,
though perhaps, as yet, unrealized,
hidden from your conciousness.

I want to open you up,
search until I find them,
revel in them, touch them,
let them touch me.
emboss themselves upon my skin.

then...
I will clear a pathway to your concious mind,
carefully replace the words
to the place where they were hidden,
oil the gears,
set the wheels in motion,
close you up,
dust you off,
and continue to wait.

Kris

[This message has been edited by not_so_warm (edited 06-27-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 not_so_warm - All Rights Reserved
mysticharm
Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189
Canada
1 posted 2000-06-26 02:31 PM


Hi

I really enjoyed this poem. Silently loving someone, hoping one day they will return those feelings.

Tres bons  



Never underestimate the Power of Purpose.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the 'Present'
unkn

JP
Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343
Loomis, CA
2 posted 2000-06-26 03:27 PM


Welcome to this den of poetic iniquity!  Nice work here, looking forward to seeing more.



Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP

"Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway

not_so_warm
New Member
since 2000-06-25
Posts 5

3 posted 2000-06-26 03:43 PM


I've been here...I just screwed up my access with my original name, warmhrt...had to re-register.

Thank you both for reading and commenting.

Kris

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2000-06-26 03:58 PM


Kris, how could you screw up your old access? Does this mean we won't be seeing warmhrt anymore?   Well, nice poem anyway. I certainly hope this isn't going to change your persona   (did I spell that right?)

Pete

Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
5 posted 2000-06-26 05:18 PM


hi kris! new screen name fooled me.  did you ever notice that with words like amiss and afoot all youhave to say is 'something is ___' and it sounds cool?  no, thats probably just me being weird.  

i like the first and third stanzas best - the first really pulls the reader in i feel, mysterious and whatnot- and the third stanza i just like  

in your second stanza, i would nix the because.  i dont know if you need to repeat "the words" again so soon either.  you can probably get away without that at all.  and i wonder, could you say "find their way/ to " differently?  a bit of a mouthful maybe.  but thats just picky.  and so is this: conciousness seems a little awkward there.  also a mouthful.  

in the fourth stanza, just change from present progressive (-ing verbs) to straight present ie
"put the wheels in motion
oil the gears"  etc.
i think that will make your stanza stronger and more active.

thanx for the read!
luv Elyse


jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
6 posted 2000-06-27 12:48 PM


hiya kris--

i thought this was really interesting.  if only it were so easy to get guys to talk sometimes, lol.  

i thought your first stanza was riveting (haha, a little mechanical joke for ya  ).  

in the second stanza, i agree with elyse about deleting "because" in the first line; i just don't think you need it.  the repetition of "words" in the second and third lines didn't bother me too much, but i'd maybe take out "to find their way" in line 3 and just go with "...unable to / roll off your tongue."  i thought the last two lines were kind of awkward, but i'm not sure what you could do with them.  you might want to try saying that same thing by means of some vivid image (which you're pretty good at), something mechanical or not (what the image would be is up to you, kris, lol, you're the poet here  ).  as it is, i thought this stanza was kind of flat compared to the others.

i liked the third stanza, although i might take out "and" at the beginning of both lines 3 and 4, and use "emboss" instead of "embossing" in line 5.

i liked the last stanza, but you might think about changing the order of the actions in lines 1-7, i.e., clear the pathway, replace the words, oil the gears, close him up, dust him off, and THEN put the wheels in motion.  i don't know, i can't hardly fix the printer when it jams, lol, but it seems like putting the wheels in motion would be the last thing you'd do, and, anyway, i think it'd be a little more dramatic.  just something to think about.

even if you didn't reorder the actions, i'd make that whole stanza read as things the speaker will or wants to do (along the lines of what elyse suggested, i.e., "i will put the wheels in motion," or "i want to put the wheels in motion," etc.).  it would make your ending a little stronger, i think.  

anyway, there ya go.  you got a new name, but you're still writing the same good stuff.  thanks for an interesting read.

jenni

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