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Critical Analysis #1

A moan slips through

FlyHigh
Member

since 2000-06-21

Posts 84
Bekkestua, Norway

0 posted 2000-06-21 05:02 AM

I would like any comment you got to give, so sharpen your pencil.

A moan slips through

A midnight trip far from glaring light,
you find a spot and look at the sight.
Sitting down on the wet grass,
dreamy eyes looks up to the stars.

A woman sneaking up from behind,
you turn away and she leaves your mind.
She wants so desperately to play with you,
but you just want to look at the view.

Yes you just want to look at the stars,
while a moan slips through a zipped pair of pants.

Geir Jakobsen (C) 2000

[This message has been edited by FlyHigh (edited 06-21-2000).]

Cowgirl Jane
New Member

since 2000-06-15

Posts 8

1 posted 2000-06-22 09:26 AM

I loved your title. I'm not sure whether you need the poem to rhyme (the rhyme scheme seems more lighthearted than the general tone). Very interetsing commentary on sex and desire. Keep up the good work

)

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2000-06-22 10:41 AM

Hey, welcome to CA, Geir (I see this was your first post). The only comment I have a this time is the rhyme, as Jane suggested. You seem to slip in and out of rhyming. To me this seems a little distracting. IMHO it would be smoother if you either rhyme or don't.

Welcome again. Hope to see more from you.

Pete

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2000-06-23 05:38 AM

Welcome to CA.

Not bad, not bad at all. A couple people have already mentioned the rhymes (not really a big deal except try to have a reason when you want a rhyme and when you don't) but I like the light hearted tone of the piece buffeted by such overused phrases as 'dreamy eyes' and 'look at the stars' -- I like the fact that the last two lines don't rhyme by the way. It's also just as well because your playful use of anapests and iambs falls a part there as well.

Hope to see more,
Brad

FlyHigh
Member

since 2000-06-21

Posts 84
Bekkestua, Norway

4 posted 2000-06-23 06:54 AM

Thanks for all responses.. I will work a bit on it later on, especially the rhymes..

*huggies*

Geir Jakobsen

--
"Luck affects everything. Let your hook always be cast; in the stream where you least expect it there will be a fish."
Ovid (BC 43-18 AD)

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