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Double Feature
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Double Feature |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
Always it’s a train platform, clanging bell and urgent press of people, the train itself sighing, reluctant; or an aerodrome, droning growl of propellers’ sharp complaint, pulling us away, apart; and oh the rain, of course there’s rain. It’s never an ordinary street in Philadelphia, or my leafy country lane; our Monday morning good-bye kisses are not made for the small screen. Someday, maybe not tomorrow but soon, you will simply wave to me at the window, throw your pack in the trunk; and someday soon, no longer will I double-park my car for one last embrace; it doesn’t take a lot to see that the passions of two little people really don’t amount to beans, in the long run; the propellers' roar, and the insistent bell, will be, in time, nothing more than the diesel hum and blaring horn of a moving van on Chestnut Street. This misty silver ecstacy will fade to black; the second feature will begin. I long for the quiet comfort of knowing we will see each other next weekend, and the next, and if we’re lucky, maybe all the weekends evermore; all I ask is that you might remember this time going by, and every now and then, kiss me as if there’s a war on. We’ll always have Philadelphia; but let’s keep Paris, too. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 06-16-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
What a hustle, bustle world where we can only scramble for crumbs of affection. And try to make do with distant memories. I really liked this approach to our desire for, but barely met needs. Original content and well crafted. I`m no critic but I liked it and am honored to be the first to read it. As always interesting stuff at obtuse angles. Well done forrest |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jenni, I enjoyed this quite a bit. The snappy lines really keep the reader going without losing the line of thought. Still,  doesn’t take a lot to see that the passions of two little people really don’t amount to beans --rewrite this part. I'm reading along with a little smile on my face and this just made me stop -- no fun, no fun at all. evermore --Why do I get the idea that you're putting these words in this poem just to see if I'm reading it? Pretty much enjoyed everything else. Yes, I liked the ending -- fun poem. Did you know (yeah, probably) that many people consider that famous photograph to be sexist? Brad |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi jenni! cool piece. i dunno, i kinda like the hill of beans part, especially with all the other Casablanca stuff you got goin on. (i dont know what photograph brad's talkin bout. i thought we were on movies. shrug.) i like the way you grouped the first three stanzas, with them all blurring into each other like that. it really made sense here. nice job  luv Elyse |
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lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
I loved this. I really like the way the verses run into each other, so it reads smoothly, almost without pauses. Your imagery is excellent, as is the matter of fact style of the poem. BTW, is the picture Brad mentioned that black and white one of two people kissing that people always sell on the streets of summertime cities? Wouldn't have thought of it myself. Lotharingia "For God's sake, he's a poet. Poets are meant to feel miserable. Otherwise, what the hell are they here for? What are they going to write about?" Tom Holland |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Wonderful piece of nostalgia here but brought up to today and presented in a fresh and personal way. Casablanca will probably always be one of my favorite movies. I could just see the old plane, the rain, hear the voices. Well, it's been a while. I think I'll dust off my old copy and watch it again tonight. Oh, I didn't comment on the technical merits. But probably no need as you're always spot on in that regard and this is no exception. Thanks and kudos, Jenni. Pete |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Nice bit of writing. It makes me want to pull my wife back for big sloppy kiss as she pulls away from a small peck on the cheek. Then look in her eyes and tell her how much I love her. Thanks EJ |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
 It's an art form; I love your use of punctuation; I am going to learn how to do this; This was the second poem that I have read today written in this style; I think it really flows; That is it; I am going to write with simi-colons; Thank you.Bob <>< |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
jenni This read as if you were in an old black and white movie,talking to us,but not making direct eye contact.The line cuts and spacing between thoughts added to the effect. good read tom |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I liked this very much, jenni, very retro it is, like someone else mentioned, watching it play out in black and white. Excellent concept and carry through. Are all lawyers so imaginative and creative? Only the good ones, I would imagine...LOL. Enjoyed the read, thanks, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
jenni can't stop right now .. but just to say i too loved the ending .. this isn't the first time you've used places to convey a sense of "something more" (feelings or whatever) .. in "Verona" you used Germany versus Italy i seem to recall....... long live Italy and Paris i say ..with just a touch of Germany now and then when i'm in the mood ....... ~smile~ ..... more on this later .. philip oh yes and i meant to say the title was clever as well .. i thought you said you were no good at titles ...lol [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 06-18-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jenni Not knowing Casablanca nearly as well as you I was often not entirely sure where allusion to the film was an end in itself or where images or references were simply made to put over a message or where the two were intertwined. Knowing you they were always intertwined and I'm simply missing things. Having said that I don't really think it matters that much ... many many things can be picked up from the poem even without knowing all the cinematic references. Firstly I just wanted to say that I think tom's observation was very acute "The line cuts and spacing between thoughts added to the effect." ... I'm sure this was deliberate and I think you achieved the effect of a that rather jerky stilted motion (which comes from both the technical limitations of old film and indeed the manner of acting and speaking) extremely well with your use of long frequently punctuated sentences and frequent stanza breaks yet with many run ons. I know you will have considered the form of the poem long and carefully and I think you've chosen very well indeed. Particularly clever I think are the divisions within the piece. The poem is basically split into 4 sections (or 3, depending on how you look at it) with a crucial "turn" three-quarters of the way through. The first section comprises the first two sentences: "Always it's a train platform, clanging bell and urgent press of people, the train itself sighing, reluctant; or an aerodrome, droning growl of propellers' sharp complaint, pulling us away, apart; and oh the rain, of course there's rain. It's never an ordinary street in Philadelphia, or my leafy country lane; our Monday morning good-bye kisses are not made for the small screen." (This could also be seen as two sections, but I prefer to see it as one for reasons which will be apparent in a moment.) The second section is one long unbroken sentence: "Someday, maybe not tomorrow but soon, you will simply wave to me at the window, throw your pack in the trunk; and someday soon, no longer will I double-park my car for one last embrace; it doesn't take a lot to see that the passions of two little people really don't amount to beans, in the long run; the propellers' roar, and the insistent bell, will be, in time, nothing more than the diesel hum and blaring horn of a moving van on Chestnut Street." The final section is this: " I long for the quiet comfort of knowing we will see each other next weekend, and the next, and if we're lucky, maybe all the weekends evermore; all I ask is that you might remember this time going by, and every now and then, kiss me as if there's a war on." And then there is the relatively tiny sentence: "This misty silver ecstacy will fade to black; the second feature will begin." Its brevity, given what has gone before is sufficient to make the reader pause and consider what it means. What it signals is a change in direction in the poem. We have had earlier in the poem "how it is" and then "how it may be", now the speaker shifts to much softer romantic language to say "how she wants and dreams it will become". In this context I think words and phrases like "evermore" and of "time going by" (time goes by ..lol) and "kiss me..." are all quite appropriate. I wondered for a while whether that one small sentence ought to stand alone and break to 3 line stanza form to emphasise the beginning of something new, but on reflection I think the contrasting sentence length is quite enough to gain the effect without spoiling the overall celluloid rhythm of the poem. Finally of course we have the little plea at the close which again in its brevity stands alone and poignant: "We'll always have Philadelphia; but let's keep Paris, too. " So here we have a speaker who wants it all!! The comfort and security of a long term relationship, but also the spark and fizz of the double parked kiss (nice play on "double") ...lol... is it possible? Funny thing .. it puts me in mind of a certain exchange I had with someone over some garden poem or other ... lets see now ..how did she put it ..lol: "your ..... dream, then, as I see it, is doomed to failure even before you begin" ok ..I know I'm being mischievous here .. I'm just getting my own back for the "hard geometry" haunting.....lol. Anyway back to being serious ........ Damn out of time here, back as soon as possible...... philip |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Jenni, I enjoyed this. It's well written and can't be improved much from what I gathered with a single reading. The ending disappointed me a little. I agree with Brad: take out evermore -- and never use it ever again in any other poem you write.  ) I'd also change the 'We'll always have Paris etc.' Yes it's poignant, but I'd write a finish that's your own. |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
I found this very poignant jenni. I felt all your juxtapositions of silver screen and everyday life worked very well. I would use 'forevermore'. I might agree that you could find a better last line - maybe just a small modification... Otherwise, as ever a very polished poem - intelligent and well crafted. Nice work! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Jenni, why have you not considered this one for the book? I think it would make a wonderful addition. Pete |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jenni, why have you not considered this one for the book? I think it would make a wonderful addition. Philip (sorry couldn't resist it - first smile of today) |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi there jenni Ok ..where was i .... sorry about the delay coming back i was diverted by a mid life crisis .. i had counselling from a friend and I'm over it now .. lol.... "Always it's a train platform, clanging bell and urgent press of people, the train itself sighing, reluctant; or an aerodrome, droning growl of propellers' sharp complaint, pulling us away, apart; and oh the rain, of course there's rain. It's never an ordinary street in Philadelphia, or my leafy country lane; our Monday morning good-bye kisses are not made for the small screen." As I said before, the first section seems to deal with "how it is" ie : "Always it's ..........." ......and "It's never ........" So lets look at what it IS and what it is NOT. I might as well say that this was the part of the poem i found hardest to get to grips with ... i think it partly stems from not being familiar enough with Casablanca, but i think i have your meaning for the most part ....what you are driving at, using the train and plane and travel analogy, is that life is always a rush, a hurry to be somewhere other than where you are ... always apart from the person you want to be with .. a noise an irritation a distraction from what really matters ..no? It's never what it appears in the movies .. "the ordinary street" where he is, or the leafy lane where you are... in fact it was this phrase which gave me the problems - " It's never an ordinary street in Philadelphia, or my leafy country lane" ... a reference to the movie? ... it was really only the reference to the goodbye kisses not being made for the small screen which set me firmly on the "right" track. This is new love and passionate love, yes, but love in the real world ..not in the make believe of the movie screen .... and the last line of the first section gives a hint of what's to come. So on we go to the next section: "Someday, maybe not tomorrow but soon, you will simply wave to me at the window, throw your pack in the trunk; and someday soon, no longer will I double-park my car for one last embrace; it doesn't take a lot to see that the passions of two little people really don't amount to beans, in the long run; the propellers' roar, and the insistent bell, will be, in time, nothing more than the diesel hum and blaring horn of a moving van on Chestnut Street." Still on the travel theme (which i liked) we now move to the second section of the poem where you speculate on how things may become ... and now it gets sad .. in fact the passage: "Someday, maybe not tomorrow but soon, you will simply wave to me at the window, throw your pack in the trunk; and someday soon, no longer will I double-park my car for one last embrace" was my favourite. Somehow with the two words "but soon" you increased the poignancy... I think this happens because here you have a couple deeply in love and yet at least one of the pair appears to be pragmatic enough to be able, even in the midst of passion, to look beyond the new romance to what the relationship will become. But not only that, she can put a time on it .. its not going to happen next year or the year after, BUT "soon" .... I think that the fact that the speaker is apparently worldly enough to recognise this somehow actually adds to the sadness of the fact that it is going to happen at all. Things get worse in the next few lines to the point where the reader perhaps even begins to feel that the speaker is a touch cynical about the whole experience of falling in love and its longevity and importance. She is able to stand back, again in the midst of everything, and look at her relationship against the background of the cosmos ..lol...to see that really it amounts to very little .. and lastly in that section an reprise of the sounds from the first section ..but now they are muted, reduced less energetic and exciting .... nice jenni. Then the reader gets to thinking at this point (or i did anyway) that this is all a bit too cool and unrealistic .... what lover worries about the future in such detail i wonder ?... the answer to that i guess is one who has been there before "got the tee-shirt etc" and maybe is steeling herself for what is to come ...... So at this point the jury is out on the speaker's character, is she a rather hard worldly girl, maybe with a touch of cynicism ?.. or someone who is perhaps just cautious through experience ?.... The next passage, which is beautiful, answers the query unambiguously .. I love the echo of: "Someday, maybe not tomorrow but soon," in the phrase: "we will see each other next weekend, and the next, and if we're lucky, maybe all the" Now in the third section (after the "turn") : "I long for the quiet comfort of knowing we will see each other next weekend, and the next, and if we're lucky, maybe all the weekends evermore; all I ask is that you might remember this time going by, and every now and then, kiss me as if there's a war on." we see a girl who is more than willing to lose the thrills and fire of the first months of a relationship for the security and comfort of long term love ... this is the central message of the poem and i guess picks up on the essence of the scene you told me about in Casablanca where Rick does the decent thing and forgoes his passion for Ilsa to allow her to go and do the "right" thing .... Funny thing is that for all her apparent pragmatism in sections one and two of the poem the second part of the relationship (the second feature) after the fire has faded she still dreams will be as good as or better than the first "feature" though in a different way ...... if she's found the right co-star it will be no vain dream either... wonderful poem see ya! P |
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