A Prisoner's Lament (Please Reply)

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ChibiDeathscythe
Member

since 2000-06-09

Posts 128

0 posted 2000-06-10 12:51 PM

Author's Note: I am very new to the forum, and any replies would be greatly appreciated! The only reason I haven't tried to repy to anyone else's poems is because I am not a learned or seasoned enough poet yet to help anyone else, lol.

There comes a day, to all of us,
when we know that we will leave.
And stay in the same place, yes, indeed;
but the heart's journey knows very little need.

I swim in my pain, no lust could surrender,
until I thrust out my shame;
and in that moment, I briefly remember,
some days when I still had my name.

It will take more than one call I say, perhaps
or perhaps it was what I didn't say,
that made the scarlet and the traps
much easier to find on the way

Nonetheless, I am stranded, and no one can swim
as far out as I have been,
I have seen the wicked ways in them,
those funny girls, and those men.

But still I touch my toes to the sand,
and feel its inviting grains,
and pretend that happiness is a word that I know,
inside my jailbars and pains.

"Suicides have already betrayed the body.
Still born, they don't always die,
bu dazzled, they can't forget a drug so sweet
that even children would look on and smile."
-- "Wanting to Die" by Anne Sexton

Adversity Builds character. - Japanese Proverb

"'Even a fool has one talent'.....darn, I'm not even a fool." - My sister, the master of cunning wit

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

1 posted 2000-06-10 11:54 PM

posh! silly rabbit, you can help merely by passing along your opinion. many poets (myself included) love to hear how others read or react to their poems, no critique neccesary. telling us what did or did not create a reaction in you is just as helpful as one of us "learned" poets with too many terms jingling around in our heads diagramming metirical structures or making comments on the use of dactyls or iambs.

now, to talk of YOUR poem, pretty miss...

I am deeply in love with your 4th stanza. it shows me what wonderful things we can expect from you in future (once we have beat you about the head with our terminology

)
the 5th stanza is quite good too.  what makes them different from the other stanzas is here, the rhyme is working for YOU, not you working for the rhyme.  see the difference?  to give you a coupla for instances:  in line 3, "indeed" seems added on, just for rhyme, so does that first "perhaps" in stanza 3.  last comment, i would say "the heart's journey knows little of need" instead.  keep writing (and posting!)
luv Elyse

ps.  dont think i didnt notice that shameless plea for posts

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then . . . . I contradict myself;
I am large . . . . I contain multitudes.
-Papa Walt

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2000-06-11 02:49 AM

Elyse has made some excellent points. You've got some great ideas floating through this piece but I would think about trying to get them to work for you more subtly.

drop the rhyme altogether.

drop the abstractions.

stay with the specific scene and let it grow before the reader instead of the generaly aloofness of the beginning.

There comes a day, to all of us,
when we know that we will leave.
And stay in the same place, yes, indeed;
but the heart's journey knows very little need.

--drop this part and bring the reader to the dominant image immediately.

I swim in my pain, no lust could surrender,

--expand this line without using lust, pain, or surrender (maybe surrender, I'm not sure yet). Describe the swimming.

until I thrust out my shame;
and in that moment, I briefly remember,
some days when I still had my name.

--drop this and spend more time on the difficulty of swimming.

It will take more than one call I say, perhaps
or perhaps it was what I didn't say,
that made the scarlet and the traps
much easier to find on the way

--okay, but don't you think it's a little vague with the swimming metaphor?

Nonetheless, I am stranded, and no one can swim
as far out as I have been,

--I like this part -- if you haven't noticed yet. This is the part I think you should concentrate on.

I have seen the wicked ways in them,
those funny girls, and those men.

--if you want to create this type of juxtaposition (I think the swimming metaphor is fine by itself), think about expanding what you want to say about those men and those funny girls. Sorry, but Barbara Streisand just popped into my head.

But still I touch my toes to the sand,
and feel its inviting grains,
and pretend that happiness is a word that I know,
inside my jailbars and pains.

--I can actually see how the swimming and the jail imagery can work together but I think you should try to combine them a bit more.

thanks -- just an opinion,
Brad

ChibiDeathscythe
Member

since 2000-06-09

Posts 128

3 posted 2000-06-11 12:40 PM

Thanks a bunch Elyse

I'm glad to see some people are offering help to my miniscule knowledge of terminology and such things

And Brad, first of all thanks for the post

but Chibi does not understand big words like "juxtaposition" *lol* maybe you could kindly drop me an e-mail sometime, or direct me to a website that explains the basics of terms and things. I have always written completely freehand and not really known any technical things to adapt to, but I'm willing, ready, and (possibly lol) able to learn

ChibiDeathscythe
Member

since 2000-06-09

Posts 128

4 posted 2000-06-11 12:40 PM

Thanks a bunch Elyse

I'm glad to see some people are offering help to my miniscule knowledge of terminology and such things

And Brad, first of all thanks for the post

but Chibi does not understand big words like "juxtaposition" *lol* maybe you could kindly drop me an e-mail sometime, or direct me to a website that explains the basics of terms and things. I have always written completely freehand and not really known any technical things to adapt to, but I'm willing, ready, and (possibly lol) able to learn

"Suicides have already betrayed the body.
Still born, they don't always die,
bu dazzled, they can't forget a drug so sweet
that even children would look on and smile."
-- "Wanting to Die" by Anne Sexton

Adversity Builds character. - Japanese Proverb

"'Even a fool has one talent'.....darn, I'm not even a fool." - My sister, the master of cunning wit

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