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Critical Analysis #1
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vultures. comments please
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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vultures. comments please |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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I recently submitted this poem to a webzine, they told me that they could not accept the poem but they offered some advice and comments which on a whole I have to agree with. Their main comment was "try to limit your use of telling the reader what to think. Think: show, not tell." I have to agree that the first draft may have been a bit too preachy, but I wonder if the second draft is as effective. does it lack in impact or is it better. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. =================================================== orginal draft. Vultures Lick my lips, saliva strokes as sweet aroma kiss my hunger. Savour the pale and succulent skin stalking my plate of death. I can feast on flesh without guilt my hands are clean of blood for me its abattoir screams are silent. We are so civilised the barbaric hunt rests with past lives to ease our conscience we kill in shadows. Standing over the food chain to force genocide on all creation below as the superior parasite leeching life for our grand final feast. Strip naked the carcasses in a banquet of carnage, beaks stab down upon the defenceless. We exist in constant consumption, our only pleasure is the opiate of decay. Born of the beautiful corpse of Christ we dine in the arms of death scavenging the mortuaries, revealing our instinct as vultures ------------------ edited version. Vultures Lick my lips, saliva strokes as sweet aroma kiss my hunger. Savour the pale and succulent skin stalking my plate of death. I can feast on flesh without guilt my hands are clean of blood for me its abattoir screams are silent. We are so civilised the barbaric hunt rests with past lives. Our clear conscience kills in the shadows. Strip naked the carcasses in a banquet of carnage, beaks stab down upon the defenceless. we dine in the arms of death scavenging the mortuaries. ------------------------ "I've been too honest with myself I should have lied like everybody else"-Richey Edwards "Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time". Baltimore Grotto "Libraries gave us power Then work came and made us free What price now for a shallow piece of dignity" Nicky Wire, A design for Life. manic street preachers "Rock 'n' roll is our epiphany Culture, alienation, boredom and despair" "To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." E.E Cummings. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
oh, i like the edited version much better. i think making it shorter gives it more punch, especially since you've consolidated your main ideas into one stanza. a few comments tho... i would like some punctuation after "we are so civilized" (spelled like that BTW) maybe a hyphen would be good. Our clear conscience kills in the shadows. i feel like you could use an extra word in there, maybe a "that" or a "which" to better convey your sarcasm (if sarcasm is the right word to use). last thing, at "strip naked..." you've switched to the command form, from the more passive, Im-just-tellin-how-it-was form of the rest of the stanza. its a little, distracting maybe is the word. but basically, and excellent revision  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Thanks Elyse, your comments were really appreciated, I will make the changes that you recommended. Thanks again. much luv, brian. ------------------------ "I've been too honest with myself I should have lied like everybody else"-Richey Edwards "Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time". Baltimore Grotto "Libraries gave us power Then work came and made us free What price now for a shallow piece of dignity" Nicky Wire, A design for Life. manic street preachers "Rock 'n' roll is our epiphany Culture, alienation, boredom and despair" "To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." E.E Cummings. |
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