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Below Twin Rocks
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Below Twin Rocks |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
White Owl Below Twin Rocks Rambling through the brambled wood that stretches from the lower hill across the way the boulders strewn we climb to see the new born day to cup the sun in hands out stretched and fill our pockets full enough so come the dark and starless night we might see by the mornings light but light and dark converge to break the restless dreams of those who wake to see the owl descend and drink the scalded tears of one who sleeps as white as ice and bone his wings how could we know what this would mean below twin rocks we watch him fly against the blue and cloudless sky forrest cain 1999 [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 06-11-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 O. Forrest Cain - All Rights Reserved | |||
Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA |
This is amazing work. You have out done yourself my friend. The way the poem flows made me feel I was actually there. Ronil (What I say I live by and what I live by is what I create). |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
good stuff forrest! you have a conjugation problem in yer first two lines, you can say woods stretch or wood stretches. so pick. um, in line 8 i might add in a word like "yet" or "still" eg we yet might see by morining's light or somthin like that. also, your punctuation is a little confusing in places, and i think you might have left a word out of your 3rd to last line. ciao for now, luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Xeonox thank you for your kind words. My friend Elyse I`m confused about the conjunction problem in the first two lines you may need to give me a more indepth example. Your input is invaluable and at times I don`t act on it, but only because I`m not sure how. I have put my writings on a diet less length and a whole lot less sugar. I get sickenly sweet when I`m sick and taking my meds. I`m a little ashamed looking back. Oh well I`ll do better. forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
 forrest, sweetie, not "conjunction", "Conjugation". i gave the example, which i will give again (i am a bit dense at times  )you can say woods stretch or wood stretches. choose one. you cant say (as you did) woods stretches. am i clear now dear boy? luv Elyse |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse I`m slow but now I see[said the blind man}thanks for clarifying and helping me with all the little and not so little things. I still don`t think your a high school graduate. Your just messing with us.Your probably an english professer somewhere or an exotic dancer. Just teasing. Your most devoted fan forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
Forrest! i thought we agreed we'd never tell anyone about my gig at Jimbo's House of Hooters! shame on you, SHAME! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Forrest, Your style of poetry reminds me of someone else who used to post here. Yours have the same smooth, rhythmic read to them that, I think, is quite a talent. This poem reads that way, and has wonderful imagery (except for the end)...perfect word choices. You've gotta do something about the typo in the displayed title, though... Very nice work as usual, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
I enjoyed the work. A bit strained in a spot or two but not so much as to distract from the read... All in all, I liked it all. Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse it`s no longer a secret your hidden life is revealed. I personally have to copies of penthouse and sleep with one. Quite a spread. I still think it all started with those brownies. Anyway I love you for your mind. Thank you so much for taking pity on my poor illiterate soul and helping me. I guess the erotica is just a bonus. Your biggest fan mind/and body forrest wamhrt please elaborate on the typo I`m kinda slow and am missing it. I only have a third grade education so struggle quite a bit. I love your encouraging words and they motivate me to keep trying. I will write one good poem before I die. thanks for your input. love forrest JP thanks for your kind words , what spots to you find strained I`m not backwards when it comes to rewriting for more clarity etc. Please explain. Thanks your friend forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 06-09-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Forrest, You don't fool me a bit...and you've already written a few good poems. When you go to edit, it's the "Subject" line you need to change, and add the "o" to belw. Later, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Forrest, very nice indeed. I always enjoy well written couplets, and yours a certainly that. I only have 2 small suggestions. First, you use a comma at the end of line 13. Since you have no other punctuation, that one is just a distraction. I would drop it. Second, the whole poem is near perfect iambic tetrameter, except for lines 1, 8 and 13, which all lose the first unstressed syllable. On the first line, this is no problem and I think even adds something. The other two, however, trip the tongue. Even after reading 2 or 3 times, I still stumble over the missing syllable. I think you could add those back in without hurting the poem and thus, make it much easier to read. For example: Line 8 might read, [that] we might see by mornings light and line 13 might read, [as] white as ice and bone his wings These are just examples and better words might be found. And, of course, this is all just my personal, humble opinion, which may or may not reflect any validity. Thanks for a nice poem. Pete |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
What he said.... I'm definitely not a learned poet, just struggle by with a small ability to state things poetically. When I read a poem it is like listening to a song - I know when the singer is off key even though I can't read music.... Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
not a poet thanks for your ver helpful input I have made the changes and like them . thanks my astute friend, Jp I`m like you I know what I like but not always why. Thanks for your encouragement. Elyse I think you should start sending photos with your poems, You`re such a wonderful writter and I love your since of humor. your devoted fan forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 06-10-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Forrest Just to say i loved this poem, some really great lines and images and as pete has said meter pretty faultless. Generally i go along with his comments and especially i actually think that the trochaic opening adds something: RAM bling THROUGH the BRAM bled WOODS line 8 definitely needs sorting out though as it really does make me stumble, however i'm not entirely sure i agree with pete's solution ... at present i read it as: we MIGHT see BY MORN ings LIGHT following on from the previous iambic lines this is an almost inevitable way of reading i think if you do as pete suggests you get the correct syllable count and the line might read as: that WE might SEE by MORN ings LIGHT .. it sort of works but means that "might" has to remain unstressed which is maybe a little unnatural ... pehaps therefore something like: we MIGHT see BY the MORN ings LIGHT anyway .. it's probably too close to call ... and you're the boss of course ..i agree about line 13 btw. As a Brit i agree entirely with Elyse about "woods" ... but i do recall reading somewhere that in the US "woods" can be singular ie you can say "it's a woods" for example .......crazy people you are !! ..lol ... so either elyse is just posing as a yank or else she has a british education ... oops ..i forgot .. what was it? a "language mauling southern girl" .....finally i have to admit to being unable to completely interpret some of the images in the poem, especially this passage: "to see the owl descend and drink the scalded tears of one who sleeps as white as ice and bone his wings how could we know what this would mean" can anyone help??? really excellent job forrest ...well done philip |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
you are simply hopeless forrest! first you let out my dirty little secret and now you want my piccie to accompany my poems??? and how would anyone ever come to read them, with my beautimous nubile self right there on the side. i am a serious artist ill have you know! im off to fake indignance now. hrmpf. the shocked, simply shocked, Elyse |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse what kind of person do you think I`am. Of couse I`d read the articles and besides the best part of you is your kind gentle ways and your wonderful since of humor. You could be a one legged midget with diarrhea for all I care. It`s your mind and soul that captivates me. Though I don`t doubt that you are quite lovley. your caring friend forrest love forrest |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse what kind of person do you think I`am. Of couse I`d read the articles and besides the best part of you is your kind gentle ways and your wonderful since of humor. You could be a one legged midget with diarrhea for all I care. It`s your mind and soul that captivates me. Though I don`t doubt that you are quite lovley. your caring friend forrest love forrest |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
poertree one summer night when we were camping an albino owl landed on my friends face and licked his eyes. Last year this same friend committed suicide. Two very sureal. I hope this clears it up. forrest |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Forrest: I enjoyed the poem very much and think you have written some excellent lines. I like Philip's suggestion to modify the "we might see by ..." line by adding "the" before "morning's" (which should be possessive, I think). I am not aware of "woods ... stretches" being acceptable in American English (unless you are talking about Tiger Woods, and I don't think you are). So I would say either "wood ... stretches" or "woods ... stretch".As far as your theme is concerned, I like the hint of ill omen that you give us with the snowy owl. Nice work, Forrest. Elyse: I told you not to tell anyone that I am not really a real estate developer and that I actually am the owner/operator of Jimbo's House of Hooters. Double duty for you on the runway tonight, young lady! Philip: A Brit calling an American crazy ... kinda a "pot calling the kettle black" thing going on there, P. The very busy but back in stride soon, Jim |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
ROFL @ Poertree.... Forrest...I enjoyed this poem alot! Have you ever been to Twin Rocks? Twin Rocks, Oregon? One of my fave places on earth! Even tho you didn't mean to...thanks for the trip down memory lane. ~Heather |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I have to agree with everyone else. I found this a joy to read -- probably your best -- so far that is. I did stumble over the light, dark images and think that could be made a little clearer. I do think punctuation would be useful. Perhaps a little more detail and a little less abstraction? But these are minor points -- a very nice read. Brad |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Very helpful critique and I have made the suggested changes . This does help the flow etc. Iinitially wrote this one mornining when we were camping and a giant albino owl landed on my sleeping friends head. He always saw it as a bad omen and I guess it was since he committed suicide. Though that was kind of a self fulfilling prophecy. Anyway thanks for your very helpful input.I just love this forum. your friend forrest |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
no...no... no... no.... Jim... tssk tskkkk ..you got it all wrong ... let me explain more slowly: we brits are mildly eccentric in a kinda nice homely sorta way you lot are just plain crazzzzy with a capital "c" ..... (lots of winky things ...btw..)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ forrest thanks for the explanation .. a great poem .. i think i'd maybe go with brad on his comment regarding a little more detail ..... but as he said that's a minor point..... bfn P |
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