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Critical Analysis #1
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Xeonox
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since 2000-04-01
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0 posted 2000-06-07 01:55 AM


In silence we met
as strangers we stood apart
but I realize this feeling which I have felt before
quietness of my soul is what you seek
my throbbing heart is what u hear
visible sweat gives you a signal
do it now or it shall never be done
this moment was of coming since the beginning of time
you have awaited this day from the first day of life
no more howling pain shall I receive
for it is the end of existence as I know it
burning hatred grows stronger in me
tingling bumps run through my flesh
where once was life now runs death
internal fire has been abolished
what shall happen now only you can decide
come closer and let me see
what u seek you shall find
come and claim what u hope is yours
this illusion I have created is flushing away
deep sea of terror what I feel now
end it now before my mind knows the truth
take me death for once and for all eternity



 Ronil (What I say I live by and what I live by is what I create).

© Copyright 2000 Ronil B Tataria - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
1 posted 2000-06-08 08:14 PM


Xeonox:

I think the subject matter of your poem is fine ... there are many good directions I think you could take with this poem and I think you may want to consider a different approach to the subject.  You use plenty of descriptive language but much of it seems overly familiar.  Perhaps consider describing Death as he arrives rather than telling us what Death sees when He (or She, I suppose) enters the room.  Just an opinion.

Jim

lotharingia
Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897
saarbruecken, Germany
2 posted 2000-06-09 05:25 AM


This is a powerful poem. You create a really oppressive atmosphere.
My humble suggestion is to get rid of the repetition of "now" here:

deep sea of terror what I feel now
end it now before my mind knows the truth
take me death for once and for all eternity

and leave out the "eternity" at the end:

deep sea of terror what I feel now
end it before my mind knows the truth
take me death for once and for all



 Uta Lotharingia
"Wir wollen nicht Wert und Sinn ... wir wollen Unwert und Unsinn"
Raoul Hausmann

Xeonox
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3 posted 2000-06-10 02:21 AM


First of all I thank you for your suggestions. Second,jbouder give me some idea on how to fix it(if it is needed) and third, I plan to create a webpage for all my poems within a week so if i send u guys a link you can read my poems and tell me what you think about them and how can i improve on them.

 Ronil (What I say I live by and what I live by is what I create).

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